I See No Way Out

“Our relationship is over.”  “You did this.”  “I don’t want you to act like you love me.”  “Our relationship is permanently tainted.” ...... my son's words are still ringing in my ears....

The only thing good I’ve ever had in my life is being taken away from me now.  The only thing I thought I would always be able to count on is deteriorating right before my very own eyes.

My son doesn’t know that I love him.  My daughter ran away from home because she feels the only love in the world for her is in the arms of some sixteen year old boy.  I am a failure as a mother, and therefore, as a human being.

Is there any point to living?  Only the small hope that somehow, something magical will happen and one day, I will wake up and the universe will be restored to the way I’ve always known it.  My children will feel loved and not hate me.

**** medication.  I don’t want to live like that.  I can make it.  Wouldn’t it be my choice, if I had cancer, to accept or refuse treatment for it? 

MysticWriter MysticWriter
36-40, F
45 Responses Aug 18, 2006

Counseling could help? I don't know I just started it. I have tried many medications and they all made it worst. I am lost and don't know where to go. I am totally hopeless and alone. I just know that when you have children you cant give up. NEVER. My mom was a horrible mother, because of her circumstances as a child. (the cycle) It took a while for me to make a connection with her, but we did. I am older now and understand more. There was a point when I could not stand to be around her. Now we spend most weekends together. I do love her, and I know that she loves me. I just had to grow up and realize what she was going through at the time. It still doesn't make it right, but I am able to understand. Hang in there. it may take time, but no matter what some how some way we always love our mothers!

I think that my mom probably feels the same way, even though I wish I could contact her again. I wish I could tell her that I have breast cancer and that I need her more than ever. I wish that I could talk to my younger brother. I wish I could tell her I love her at least one more time!

I don't understand how people can be so hard. You are hurting because of your son but how can your son not be hurt because of you. Well someone out there needs you and appreciates you more than your family and for this reason stay alive.

I've seen my only hope deteriorating before my eyes and it hurts. I Respect you and you have my condolences.

As a struggling daughter... this made me feel bad for what I've done to my mom. We've made up now, even though it's rocky.
I don't know if this will help you to know, but whenever I was doing something hurtful to my mom I didn't realize it. I also have never not loved her.
I'm sure your kids still love you, even if they don't show it.
<3 Hugs

if medication works, why refuse it??? why?? especially if it saves your ******* life! And I am not a mother but I know it is the hardest job in the world. Just because you aren't perfect at it doesn't mean you are a "failure as a human being". You are ill. You are not a failure. You are human with issues like everyone else. HUGS

My situation is the opposite, my beloved mum abandoned me tired of my bipolar attacks and depression. She left, moved out, there's nothing left for me, she's the one I love so much above all. I am gonna end my life soon because I can't bear to live without her.

That's horrible. Might I suggest that she has a type of mental illness herself and cannot cope right now? These things run in families. I bailed on a boyfriend once...for my own anxiety reasons..maybe she has done the same thing. Do not end your life yet. You don't know what will happen...if you are gone you may just send her (and others who know you) into a despair she will never get out of.

Don't you dare try. Even if I don't think I can save myself, it's not going to stop me from wanting to save you, even months later.

The one thing I never had in life was a mother that showed she loved me
Don't do that to your kids
Use them as your motivation
But no matter what they will always love you regardless of what they say or do
Trust me
Also talk to them tell them what is going on people understand more xxxxx

Wow, you are really going through it too, I thought I was alone. We have to fight every second of the day just to wash our behinds. The struggle with our children can leave us feeling like a failure. My middle son is lost and I don't know how to help him. In and out of jail, and he is only 21 yrs old, when I look at him I wonder what was it that I did, that makes him think it's ok to behave this way. I cry and pray for God to watch over him and keep him safe. It get depressed, sad and cry for days for worrying. You are not alone honey, trust me.

That is such a sad story ! I almost cried :'(

The 2nd to last section is exactly how i feel, 100%. The only reason i get up to face the day is the hope that something magical will happen and my life will seem worth it to me again, and everyday it doesn't happen, it makes me feel even less like living.

hey ill make this short but 2 the point, i read you feel whats the point of living ....Answered your children , there you go,,,,,,,,,,hope you feel better :)

Our jobh, as parents, is to raise children who are strong, healthy, independent and think for themselves.<br />
<br />
We must not cling to them when they want to try flting. Let them know you love them and wish them well and tell them you';; always be there when they want or need you.<br />
<br />
Never use guilt trips on them as manipulating them will turn them away. It's not about you, or them. It's just how life is. Our roles reach their peak and then taper off. We should be content to know they are OK and doing things they want.<br />
<br />
If they are not we cannot force our oinions on them but we can ask what they think and how to help fix the ptoblem.<br />
<br />
It's sad but we have to learn to let go.

And if that treatment could help you make the changes you need to make, find ways to heal your relationships with your children, would you do it? Yes, there is a whole chunk of depression that is in our patterns of behavior, but there's a whole other huge chunk that's just our brain chemicals. You wouldn't keep a diabetic from his insulin, would you? <br />
<br />
There's nothing wrong with medication. The difficult thing is finding the right one. I got lucky; a very good doctor listened carefully to the nature of my symptoms and matched me up with a good medication. My poor mother had to try several before she found one that alleviated her symptoms without making her sleepy or put on weight.<br />
<br />
Look, the medication isn't going to make all your demons go away and make your children come back to you. What it will do is lift some of the darkness so you can see--with the help of a therapist, at least for a while--what you're going to have to do to change your situation. And I can't guarantee that they will "see the light" and that everyone will come back together, hugging and weeping with joy. I wish that I could. But even if you can't bring your family back together, you will be able to find a way to heal and yes, move on. <br />
<br />
No one can promise change; like I said, you might be able to heal yourself and still not be able to fix the rifts in your family. But let me tell you, all you gain by not trying to get some medication, by not seeking professional help is certain failure. You will indeed fail both yourself and them. Don't. Get yourself some help. You will be in my thoughts.

Damn right, strzelec1977! keeping insulin from a diabetic like my brother would be murder. I wish more people understood this. If those suffering mental illness don't understand, how will society ever do it???

i may not be the right person to comment but as per my view, it is time for you to adopt some child who is in desperate need and look after him well so that your children might know that you care for people who are closer to you.Also you will have the happiness of helping a desperate one!

No you're not. This is a woman in a very difficult place; she is not fit to be caring for children right now. Perhaps after getting proper treatment and is stable again, she could consider that. However, please note that because many children in need of adoption come from situations involving abuse, violence and neglect, they are often quite troubled themselves and can put a huge amount of stress even on very healthy parents.

very true, many children who are adopted are already severely messed up

My kids are all adults now and none of them contact me. My boyfriend has contact with two of them, so I observe their lives from Facebook and what he tells me. I was married twice and my youngest son has always wanted to meet his big brother, so we're trying to find a way to make that happen, but my wretched eldest sister has so far interfered. I believe that my life is finally worth living, but holidays kinda suck because so many people get to spend time with their children and I haven't for so long. I haven't seen signs of depression in any of my kids yet, though my youngest boy has ADD.

not sure how old your son is or why he feels that way, but your daughter is young and easily influenced, so don't write yourself off as a bad mother just yet. Its easy for a lot of mothers to feel the guilt or blame for their kids not working out well, but realize there are so many factors in your children's life that could make them take the wrong path. All you can do is try to raise them right and give it your best, but in the end they will make the final decision on what way to go.

just like to say girls/women and called comprise all our lives we put with **** from being someones daughter to sister to wife to daughter in-law to mother to mother in-law to grandmother and NOT even a proper thank you yes ALL us are in the same boat use and abuse us when how you like we are only compromise

I think you should tell your children how you truly feel x

We all have different ideas about what we need in order to feel loved.<br />
For a child it can be anything from wanting more positive attention and affection, to getting everything my way! The job of parenting is so huge that even the best will never get it "right". <br />
Some kids will say things like that when they're angry because they want to hurt you.<br />
I define love as that which nurtures the well-being of life. It's a very unselfish thing which takes a lot of living and learning to know how to do well.But then again, it's also very simple. A delicious, healthy, home-cooked meal, and a chat about the day....sharing a sunset...listening without bias, interruption or comment...shared time, doing a chore together, an adventure, a game... what does he like?

I feel ya.<br />
I am quite ill.... and the last words out of my sons mouth before he had dad pick him up for his trial stay, to see if he liked living away from here, was "mom.... your just not a very fun mom anymore"<br />
It hurts like hell, huh? The sort of pain like "just rip my heart out and eat it"<br />
Im sorry your kids arent with you. But it wont be like that forever..... Remember when you were a teen, how little you thought of your parents.... I know I was a hellion..... but, these days (i turn 30 this year) my mum is my best friend. Let them go see if the world is any better without moms wing to shelter them..... maybe they will see.... being a grown up, without mom, REALLY SUCKS.<br />
I dont know all your personal issues, but I do know that none of us can be SUPERMOM all the time.<br />
Hang in there. as much as you miss your kids and want to die without them, think of their unrepairable hearts if you werent there for them to seek shelter with when the world gets too tough for them, when the teenage boy dumps them for a prettier girl....... Hang in there hun...... they are teens.... they are STUPID, IMPULSIVE, THOUGHTLESS teens.... and we love them.

you are not a failure as a mother if you still care. there is always time and room for change. you seem like such a driven person, make it happen!

<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />

There are so many of us out there, just like you who struggle daily with depression, anxiety, OCD, etc.<br />
You are not alone in what you face. Get help, despite societies stigma. Life is worth fighting for. Don't let the lows dictate your actions. I struggle daily with depression and PTSD. I have anxiety disorders and OCD tendencies. I am creating support mechanisms and so can you. Sometimes I don't want to participate, but i do. the struggle, in the end, is what makes you stronger. Keep fighting and carry on to the best of your abilities. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

i feel like a failure as a mother too but that's because i am i've lost my son to alcoholism..he's with his dad ..i've just gotten sober he's turning 4 in feburary times gone too fast i heard the most important time a son needs thier mother is from when thier born till when thier 6 yrs old i lost him when he was 2 before that i was the perfect mother but right now i am just feeling so suicidal and mentaliy and physically my bodys wanting the alcohol but i am trying so hard not to pick up for him and for myself..my health i feel like pulling my hair out ..believe me u couldn't be a faliure as a mother no one is as bad as i am i've ****** everything up ..ur not alone..

Hi sorry about ur problems. Bt plz don't feel that u r a bad mum. Kids sometimes say some things that they don't really mean. I hope he realizes that u luv him really.

Hi sorry about ur problems. Bt plz don't feel that u r a bad mum. Kids sometimes say some things that they don't really mean.

I just wanted to say reading these comments, i am sitting here crying because honest to God i thought i was the only one who felt so bad and sad all the time. I too struggle with feelings of giving up and that i am not worthy of being loved due to past mistakes. Because of my past, i dont trust anyone, i assume everyone is up to something or that they are lying to me. Thankful that i found this website. May you all feel better.

After reading your experiences with meds, I must retract my earlier recommendations. Only you know your body. I have had bad reactions to certain antidepressants but my Doctor found a new one that better agreed with me. However, pills are NOT the answer. How we cope in this crazy mixed-up world is the key. We don't have support systems that used to be in large families of the past. My 18 year old daughter has anorexia, self-cutting, mood disorder, personality disorder and non existent self-esteem. She lives alone in a city 5 hours away from me. I have terrible phone phobia causing me to hyperventilate when I must make a call. She has no one to support her and I am a failure as a mom. I think that is what hurts me the most. My children do not understand depression in their parents. They just want to be loved and cared for. It was their manic depressive, sociopathic father who stole my spriit and my 'self' from me and abused our 3 girls physically and emotionally (as well as me). Now I am a failure as a mother because I have lost me. All I feel is guilt and shame and this terrible responsibility that my girls' emotional hang ups are all my fault. <br />
You and I must find ourselves again. Only then can we give our kids what they need......their mom.

I have felt like giving up before, and so did this lady, but instead she woke up, changed her life by changing her thoughts, and began helping others: http://www.thework.com/index.asp. We have much more power than we realize. We may feel powerless, but that is only a feeling, not the truth.

Misasja, I have noticed a few of your posts and comments...always appreciate the clarity and wisdom of your words. You have my respect.

None of us are failures or successes, none of us are without a history and a future. Life is hard sometimes, things can get out of hand, and many times we blame ourselves for things of which we were only a part. Blame gets us nowhere, whether it be for blaming ourself or others.<br />
<br />
You have lost nothing that is not still there for you. The relationships with your children are still, right there for you. One time when I was feeling really distraught about my relationship with my wife, my mother-in-law said, "sweetie, things may be totally different 60 days from now," and "one of the more certain things in life is things will change."<br />
<br />
She was right, things did change. Not overwhelmingly but noticeably enough to allow me to relax a little.<br />
<br />
Magical things happen all the time, though not always are they instanteous and all encompassing.

It's great that you refuse meds, that means you still have some power left in you to make it on your own (well, at least the conviction that you have power). <br />
You've heard it million times - things happen for a reason. I'm sure it feels horrible when your children turn away from you. I'm also sure that you know what drove them away - all the dysfunctional patterns, attitudes, etc. Maybe you can't change anything overnight, but all you can do is let it go. Give it time, don't try to force the situation. Years go by and things change, people change too. <br />
Concentrate on yourself now, better yourself. Learn from the lessons life is giving you. Universe will not give you a surprise out of the blue. You need to start building your life the way you want it. Little by little, without forcing. But you cannot do anything unless you accept and love yourself first.

i have experience depression in my life also, i took medication until i felt better enough that i did not need it. keep your head up, it will get better and you will smile again. good luck!!!!!!!!

i truly feel your pain and you should continue to hold on one thing i learned no matter how bad it gets god will not let you go through anything you cant handle and your kids know you love them you sometimes have to let them go out in this terrible world until they can see all the bad and they WILL come running home into your arms i did the same thing at the age of 15 but when i ran back home it was too late so please no matter what when your daughter comes to you grab her hug her accept her no matter what SHE WILL BE HOME SOON

I have suffered with depression, panic disorder, and anxiety for years. I know from experience that it is a constant battle and affects every aspect of a person's life. I too have children. They watched me suffer with my illness for years, and it was hard on them. Now that they are grown, they both understand it a lot better. One of the things that I did was to talk to my children (when they were old enough to understand) in a way that they could comprehend what I was saying, and explain to them my illness. Part of the problems that we had when they were growing up, that I thought was due to my illness, really didn't have anything to do with it at all. Children go through different phases in life just like we do. And they go through a stage when they don't think they are loved. But just hang in there. They will see how much you love them. As for the meds....I stopped taking mine years ago. I only use them when I have such a horrible panic attack that I can't function. I did research and read everything I could on my illnesses. Then I learned new ways to destress myself. Sometimes I have those really dark days, but I just realize them for what they are and soon they are gone. I think prayer has helped me and I will definately keep you in my prayers. I just want you to know that you are not alone.

Try writing a letter to your son. Those of us who sometimes struggle with depression are good at living inside of our own heads. We have deep, eloquent thoughts, and writing often allows us to access them. Maybe in a letter you could make it clear to your son how much you love him. <br />
<br />
Just by doing something - the action of writing a letter - you will take great steps to beat back the depression demon.

dont let everything get you down, just have faith an keep your head up an by a little chance everything will fall into place.

my son and i are extremely close and we've had a few bumps in the road since he's gotten closer to manhood and, particularly, since he went away to college. we always seem to come back from them, somehow, but each time we fall-out, it hurts me to the very bones. Truflow, what you've said here has really made me think.... that i DO look for justification in my worthiness in my children. to one degree or another, i suppose all parents do that. but, you've raised an interesting point....maybe i make things way too much about myself.<br />
<br />
for the record: my son recently "admitted" to struggling with depression. he's been seeing a counselor at his college for about a month or so and has considered getting on medication. had he come to me with that about five years ago, i would've strongly encouraged him to get on meds. since it came now (after all my HORRENDOUS experiences with meds AND all the other things that i've learned about how to manage my moods, including depression, withOUT meds) my advice to him was to hold off on the meds. Instead, for now, he should educate himself...about mood disorders in general, as well as recording and learning from his own moods. those meds they pass out are NOTHING to play around with. but, you wouldn't know how serious it is by the way doctors just WHIP those prescription pads RIGHT out!!! "here, take this and come see me in two months..." meds seem to be some quick-fix approach that nearly cost me my life!!! honestly, if mental health professionals invested more time with their patients instead of just signing their name to a precription, we as patients would have FAR more NECCESSARY tools at our disposal. we have to learn to treat ourselves, though. we have to be proactive. we have to research and educate ourselves. DOCTORS DO NOT HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS and medication does NOT solve all our problems. most people who get on the meds, though, expect a quick-fix. most people who take the meds assume that those pills are all they need. it's easy to become complacent when you're on meds...to think, "okay. i can just sit back and relax now because i've been given medicine...and medicine is for making sick people well." i'm not against meds, entirely, but i do consider them to be a last resort. meds only "solve" a part of the problem and by taking them, most people make the mistake of neglecting everything else.<br />
<br />
thank you all, as always, for your input.

As a relatively young person and recently out of a family situation where my dad needed me to justify him by making him feel like he'd made the right choices in life I think the most important thing here is your clearly visible love for your children. However your children aren't seeing it, so to make it clear for them to see, try showing them that whatever they decide to do you're happy for them. however you want to do it, maybe commenting on something about their lives which doesn't involve you and yet is still positive. <br />
In terms of you feeling good, if you imagine that your kids, and not you were feeling depressed, and thinking about taking medication, what would you say to them? Whatever it is, it's the advice that you should take for yourself.

Honey, I don't have kids so I won't claim to know exactly what you are feeling. Sometimes meds (dr. rx) can take the edge off by I still have to deal with my pain. I'm assuming your doctor will say the same. so listen to your phychiatrist, psychologist, counsellor and family doctor. if they are good, they will listen to and help you. Take care. Peace.

Even when we can't feel the slightest twinkle of hope, we HAVE to trust that it's there...and NEVER let go of it!!! You are not alone.

I suffer with anxiety and never had it in my life until 3 years ago. I keep waiting for it to go away. I am so tired all the time and feel like I am ugly and weird when I leave my home. I would rather just stay in my home all the time. It is so weird. I always felt good looking and loved being with others and doing things outside. Now I just can not get back to me. I am on medication and I have been for two years. I wonder if I will ever be me again. I feel like I am getting really close to having a metal breakdown and I can't. I have three kids to raise and the youngest is 2 1/2 with Down Syndrome. That is why I ended up in this depression. My husband left me because I would not terminate her pregnacy. she had Luekemia and so the first year of her life I could not work and lost everything. I mean everything. And I just have not been able to focus on anything for the amount of time or attention I need to get back up. I was just evicted from my last rental because I was late on my rent several months in a row. I have horrible credit now after my divorce and myu family doesn't help. My friends tell me to just pull u p my boot straps and dig in. I wish it was that easy. I am always tired and down. Do anyone have any suggestions. I am so bummed that my life is where it is at. I pray all the time that the Lord would just heal me and do a miracle. It has been a long time now. I feel like I will be affecting my boys who are 17 and 14 and see me really struggle with my depression and anxiety. I go to counseling once a week and really have a strong relationship with the Lord most of the time. But I am waiting for my blessing in doing the right thing. I love my daughter more that I could have ever imagined. I just need to be functioning so my life is not always on the edjge. I feel like a total loser and that I will never change.

I know exactly how you feel and the toughest thing to remember is that things can change in a minute... out of nowhere. If you choose to die, the is the ONLY mistake you cannot back from. Hang on... just hang on

Hi I m so sorry to hear you feel this way but do not ever think of yourself as useless or a failure, I ve been made to feel that way by my husband for years which drove me to drinking to much and developing an eating disorder. He s never really been here for me and my son who is now twelve but born 3 months early and he was ready to arrnge a funeral , Ithought give him a chance for gods sake. 7 years ago I became partially sighted which he blamed on my eating but doctors said otherwise its hereditory. So that shut him up for a bit but he still downed on everything I did since my eyesight got bad I have managed to pass psychology sin language and first aid all of which I have actually had to use in evry day life over the past few months even today I had to give first aid to an elderly lady who had collapsed so I thought stuff him I ve helped someone today and a few others in the past so the courses were not a waste of time. But I dont care what he thinks now as when he did get home after running up a mobile bill to his girlfriend he met a week before flying home of 8.000 ridiculous he said after 21 years of us being together he wanted a divorce and was going to marry this girl from the philipines so they are waiting for her visa meanwhile everything is still my fault but I just ignore the comments now. But going back to your children I m sure deep down they do not hate you my son on many occasions has said that and been physically horrid as well with his temper tantrums but it sorts itselff out and a friend of mine who has not seen her daughter for 8 years had a call yesterday saying she wanted to come back to live with her and hated being with her dad as he took her away saying he thought her to unstable but she is now over the moon and as you quoted she feels like its a miracle, so they can and do happen. As long as you can somehow keep in contact even by email or letter letting them know you love them eventually I am sure they will come around aas you only get one mum and they will come to realise this I am sure. So you have loads to live for and please dont think of doing anything to harm yourself as for all you know it could be just around the corner that your life could take a total turn for the better and it would be too late. Every child needs their mum even if they dont admit it and you fall out things do have a way of coming right eventually, I am hoping this myself as well. So like I said even if its via email let=ter or if they are in contact with someone you know who will pass on any info to them for you let them know how you feel and they can never say that you never kept telling them you cared. You are not a failure so dont think that circumstances have a lot to do with situations like yours and mine and I just hope riding it out and hoping will work. So dont give up hope as if you do that you have no goals left and you sound a very caring person and I really hope things work out as you deserve it. Hope to hear from you sometime and hopefully you will feel more up beat it may sound daft but it has made me feel more up beat just typing this to you we both need to stay strong and look at each day as the day that we are going to try to become even more strong and try and look ahead positively. Its the only way to go, please dont think along the lines o having nothing to live for as who knows what is around that corner. Please take care and hope to hear from you best wishes and kindest regards paula