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I See No Way Out

“Our relationship is over.”  “You did this.”  “I don’t want you to act like you love me.”  “Our relationship is permanently tainted.” ...... my son's words are still ringing in my ears....

The only thing good I’ve ever had in my life is being taken away from me now.  The only thing I thought I would always be able to count on is deteriorating right before my very own eyes.

My son doesn’t know that I love him.  My daughter ran away from home because she feels the only love in the world for her is in the arms of some sixteen year old boy.  I am a failure as a mother, and therefore, as a human being.

Is there any point to living?  Only the small hope that somehow, something magical will happen and one day, I will wake up and the universe will be restored to the way I’ve always known it.  My children will feel loved and not hate me.

**** medication.  I don’t want to live like that.  I can make it.  Wouldn’t it be my choice, if I had cancer, to accept or refuse treatment for it? 

MysticWriter MysticWriter 36-40, F 45 Responses Aug 18, 2006

Your Response


Counseling could help? I don't know I just started it. I have tried many medications and they all made it worst. I am lost and don't know where to go. I am totally hopeless and alone. I just know that when you have children you cant give up. NEVER. My mom was a horrible mother, because of her circumstances as a child. (the cycle) It took a while for me to make a connection with her, but we did. I am older now and understand more. There was a point when I could not stand to be around her. Now we spend most weekends together. I do love her, and I know that she loves me. I just had to grow up and realize what she was going through at the time. It still doesn't make it right, but I am able to understand. Hang in there. it may take time, but no matter what some how some way we always love our mothers!

I think that my mom probably feels the same way, even though I wish I could contact her again. I wish I could tell her that I have breast cancer and that I need her more than ever. I wish that I could talk to my younger brother. I wish I could tell her I love her at least one more time!

I don't understand how people can be so hard. You are hurting because of your son but how can your son not be hurt because of you. Well someone out there needs you and appreciates you more than your family and for this reason stay alive.

I've seen my only hope deteriorating before my eyes and it hurts. I Respect you and you have my condolences.

As a struggling daughter... this made me feel bad for what I've done to my mom. We've made up now, even though it's rocky.
I don't know if this will help you to know, but whenever I was doing something hurtful to my mom I didn't realize it. I also have never not loved her.
I'm sure your kids still love you, even if they don't show it.
<3 Hugs

if medication works, why refuse it??? why?? especially if it saves your ******* life! And I am not a mother but I know it is the hardest job in the world. Just because you aren't perfect at it doesn't mean you are a "failure as a human being". You are ill. You are not a failure. You are human with issues like everyone else. HUGS

My situation is the opposite, my beloved mum abandoned me tired of my bipolar attacks and depression. She left, moved out, there's nothing left for me, she's the one I love so much above all. I am gonna end my life soon because I can't bear to live without her.

That's horrible. Might I suggest that she has a type of mental illness herself and cannot cope right now? These things run in families. I bailed on a boyfriend once...for my own anxiety reasons..maybe she has done the same thing. Do not end your life yet. You don't know what will happen...if you are gone you may just send her (and others who know you) into a despair she will never get out of.

Don't you dare try. Even if I don't think I can save myself, it's not going to stop me from wanting to save you, even months later.

The one thing I never had in life was a mother that showed she loved me
Don't do that to your kids
Use them as your motivation
But no matter what they will always love you regardless of what they say or do
Trust me
Also talk to them tell them what is going on people understand more xxxxx

Wow, you are really going through it too, I thought I was alone. We have to fight every second of the day just to wash our behinds. The struggle with our children can leave us feeling like a failure. My middle son is lost and I don't know how to help him. In and out of jail, and he is only 21 yrs old, when I look at him I wonder what was it that I did, that makes him think it's ok to behave this way. I cry and pray for God to watch over him and keep him safe. It get depressed, sad and cry for days for worrying. You are not alone honey, trust me.

That is such a sad story ! I almost cried :'(

The 2nd to last section is exactly how i feel, 100%. The only reason i get up to face the day is the hope that something magical will happen and my life will seem worth it to me again, and everyday it doesn't happen, it makes me feel even less like living.

hey ill make this short but 2 the point, i read you feel whats the point of living ....Answered your children , there you go,,,,,,,,,,hope you feel better :)

Our jobh, as parents, is to raise children who are strong, healthy, independent and think for themselves.<br />
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We must not cling to them when they want to try flting. Let them know you love them and wish them well and tell them you';; always be there when they want or need you.<br />
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Never use guilt trips on them as manipulating them will turn them away. It's not about you, or them. It's just how life is. Our roles reach their peak and then taper off. We should be content to know they are OK and doing things they want.<br />
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If they are not we cannot force our oinions on them but we can ask what they think and how to help fix the ptoblem.<br />
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It's sad but we have to learn to let go.

And if that treatment could help you make the changes you need to make, find ways to heal your relationships with your children, would you do it? Yes, there is a whole chunk of depression that is in our patterns of behavior, but there's a whole other huge chunk that's just our brain chemicals. You wouldn't keep a diabetic from his insulin, would you? <br />
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There's nothing wrong with medication. The difficult thing is finding the right one. I got lucky; a very good doctor listened carefully to the nature of my symptoms and matched me up with a good medication. My poor mother had to try several before she found one that alleviated her symptoms without making her sleepy or put on weight.<br />
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Look, the medication isn't going to make all your demons go away and make your children come back to you. What it will do is lift some of the darkness so you can see--with the help of a therapist, at least for a while--what you're going to have to do to change your situation. And I can't guarantee that they will "see the light" and that everyone will come back together, hugging and weeping with joy. I wish that I could. But even if you can't bring your family back together, you will be able to find a way to heal and yes, move on. <br />
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No one can promise change; like I said, you might be able to heal yourself and still not be able to fix the rifts in your family. But let me tell you, all you gain by not trying to get some medication, by not seeking professional help is certain failure. You will indeed fail both yourself and them. Don't. Get yourself some help. You will be in my thoughts.

Damn right, strzelec1977! keeping insulin from a diabetic like my brother would be murder. I wish more people understood this. If those suffering mental illness don't understand, how will society ever do it???

i may not be the right person to comment but as per my view, it is time for you to adopt some child who is in desperate need and look after him well so that your children might know that you care for people who are closer to you.Also you will have the happiness of helping a desperate one!

No you're not. This is a woman in a very difficult place; she is not fit to be caring for children right now. Perhaps after getting proper treatment and is stable again, she could consider that. However, please note that because many children in need of adoption come from situations involving abuse, violence and neglect, they are often quite troubled themselves and can put a huge amount of stress even on very healthy parents.

very true, many children who are adopted are already severely messed up

My kids are all adults now and none of them contact me. My boyfriend has contact with two of them, so I observe their lives from Facebook and what he tells me. I was married twice and my youngest son has always wanted to meet his big brother, so we're trying to find a way to make that happen, but my wretched eldest sister has so far interfered. I believe that my life is finally worth living, but holidays kinda suck because so many people get to spend time with their children and I haven't for so long. I haven't seen signs of depression in any of my kids yet, though my youngest boy has ADD.

not sure how old your son is or why he feels that way, but your daughter is young and easily influenced, so don't write yourself off as a bad mother just yet. Its easy for a lot of mothers to feel the guilt or blame for their kids not working out well, but realize there are so many factors in your children's life that could make them take the wrong path. All you can do is try to raise them right and give it your best, but in the end they will make the final decision on what way to go.

just like to say girls/women and called comprise all our lives we put with **** from being someones daughter to sister to wife to daughter in-law to mother to mother in-law to grandmother and NOT even a proper thank you yes ALL us are in the same boat use and abuse us when how you like we are only compromise

I think you should tell your children how you truly feel x

We all have different ideas about what we need in order to feel loved.<br />
For a child it can be anything from wanting more positive attention and affection, to getting everything my way! The job of parenting is so huge that even the best will never get it "right". <br />
Some kids will say things like that when they're angry because they want to hurt you.<br />
I define love as that which nurtures the well-being of life. It's a very unselfish thing which takes a lot of living and learning to know how to do well.But then again, it's also very simple. A delicious, healthy, home-cooked meal, and a chat about the day....sharing a sunset...listening without bias, interruption or comment...shared time, doing a chore together, an adventure, a game... what does he like?

I feel ya.<br />
I am quite ill.... and the last words out of my sons mouth before he had dad pick him up for his trial stay, to see if he liked living away from here, was "mom.... your just not a very fun mom anymore"<br />
It hurts like hell, huh? The sort of pain like "just rip my heart out and eat it"<br />
Im sorry your kids arent with you. But it wont be like that forever..... Remember when you were a teen, how little you thought of your parents.... I know I was a hellion..... but, these days (i turn 30 this year) my mum is my best friend. Let them go see if the world is any better without moms wing to shelter them..... maybe they will see.... being a grown up, without mom, REALLY SUCKS.<br />
I dont know all your personal issues, but I do know that none of us can be SUPERMOM all the time.<br />
Hang in there. as much as you miss your kids and want to die without them, think of their unrepairable hearts if you werent there for them to seek shelter with when the world gets too tough for them, when the teenage boy dumps them for a prettier girl....... Hang in there hun...... they are teens.... they are STUPID, IMPULSIVE, THOUGHTLESS teens.... and we love them.

you are not a failure as a mother if you still care. there is always time and room for change. you seem like such a driven person, make it happen!

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There are so many of us out there, just like you who struggle daily with depression, anxiety, OCD, etc.<br />
You are not alone in what you face. Get help, despite societies stigma. Life is worth fighting for. Don't let the lows dictate your actions. I struggle daily with depression and PTSD. I have anxiety disorders and OCD tendencies. I am creating support mechanisms and so can you. Sometimes I don't want to participate, but i do. the struggle, in the end, is what makes you stronger. Keep fighting and carry on to the best of your abilities. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

i feel like a failure as a mother too but that's because i am i've lost my son to alcoholism..he's with his dad ..i've just gotten sober he's turning 4 in feburary times gone too fast i heard the most important time a son needs thier mother is from when thier born till when thier 6 yrs old i lost him when he was 2 before that i was the perfect mother but right now i am just feeling so suicidal and mentaliy and physically my bodys wanting the alcohol but i am trying so hard not to pick up for him and for health i feel like pulling my hair out ..believe me u couldn't be a faliure as a mother no one is as bad as i am i've ****** everything up ..ur not alone..

Hi sorry about ur problems. Bt plz don't feel that u r a bad mum. Kids sometimes say some things that they don't really mean. I hope he realizes that u luv him really.

Hi sorry about ur problems. Bt plz don't feel that u r a bad mum. Kids sometimes say some things that they don't really mean.

I just wanted to say reading these comments, i am sitting here crying because honest to God i thought i was the only one who felt so bad and sad all the time. I too struggle with feelings of giving up and that i am not worthy of being loved due to past mistakes. Because of my past, i dont trust anyone, i assume everyone is up to something or that they are lying to me. Thankful that i found this website. May you all feel better.

After reading your experiences with meds, I must retract my earlier recommendations. Only you know your body. I have had bad reactions to certain antidepressants but my Doctor found a new one that better agreed with me. However, pills are NOT the answer. How we cope in this crazy mixed-up world is the key. We don't have support systems that used to be in large families of the past. My 18 year old daughter has anorexia, self-cutting, mood disorder, personality disorder and non existent self-esteem. She lives alone in a city 5 hours away from me. I have terrible phone phobia causing me to hyperventilate when I must make a call. She has no one to support her and I am a failure as a mom. I think that is what hurts me the most. My children do not understand depression in their parents. They just want to be loved and cared for. It was their manic depressive, sociopathic father who stole my spriit and my 'self' from me and abused our 3 girls physically and emotionally (as well as me). Now I am a failure as a mother because I have lost me. All I feel is guilt and shame and this terrible responsibility that my girls' emotional hang ups are all my fault. <br />
You and I must find ourselves again. Only then can we give our kids what they need......their mom.

I have felt like giving up before, and so did this lady, but instead she woke up, changed her life by changing her thoughts, and began helping others: We have much more power than we realize. We may feel powerless, but that is only a feeling, not the truth.