I See No Way Out

“Our relationship is over.”  “You did this.”  “I don’t want you to act like you love me.”  “Our relationship is permanently tainted.” ...... my son's words are still ringing in my ears....

The only thing good I’ve ever had in my life is being taken away from me now.  The only thing I thought I would always be able to count on is deteriorating right before my very own eyes.

My son doesn’t know that I love him.  My daughter ran away from home because she feels the only love in the world for her is in the arms of some sixteen year old boy.  I am a failure as a mother, and therefore, as a human being.

Is there any point to living?  Only the small hope that somehow, something magical will happen and one day, I will wake up and the universe will be restored to the way I’ve always known it.  My children will feel loved and not hate me.

**** medication.  I don’t want to live like that.  I can make it.  Wouldn’t it be my choice, if I had cancer, to accept or refuse treatment for it? 

MysticWriter MysticWriter
36-40, F
45 Responses Aug 18, 2006

Misasja, I have noticed a few of your posts and comments...always appreciate the clarity and wisdom of your words. You have my respect.

None of us are failures or successes, none of us are without a history and a future. Life is hard sometimes, things can get out of hand, and many times we blame ourselves for things of which we were only a part. Blame gets us nowhere, whether it be for blaming ourself or others.<br />
<br />
You have lost nothing that is not still there for you. The relationships with your children are still, right there for you. One time when I was feeling really distraught about my relationship with my wife, my mother-in-law said, "sweetie, things may be totally different 60 days from now," and "one of the more certain things in life is things will change."<br />
<br />
She was right, things did change. Not overwhelmingly but noticeably enough to allow me to relax a little.<br />
<br />
Magical things happen all the time, though not always are they instanteous and all encompassing.

It's great that you refuse meds, that means you still have some power left in you to make it on your own (well, at least the conviction that you have power). <br />
You've heard it million times - things happen for a reason. I'm sure it feels horrible when your children turn away from you. I'm also sure that you know what drove them away - all the dysfunctional patterns, attitudes, etc. Maybe you can't change anything overnight, but all you can do is let it go. Give it time, don't try to force the situation. Years go by and things change, people change too. <br />
Concentrate on yourself now, better yourself. Learn from the lessons life is giving you. Universe will not give you a surprise out of the blue. You need to start building your life the way you want it. Little by little, without forcing. But you cannot do anything unless you accept and love yourself first.

i have experience depression in my life also, i took medication until i felt better enough that i did not need it. keep your head up, it will get better and you will smile again. good luck!!!!!!!!

i truly feel your pain and you should continue to hold on one thing i learned no matter how bad it gets god will not let you go through anything you cant handle and your kids know you love them you sometimes have to let them go out in this terrible world until they can see all the bad and they WILL come running home into your arms i did the same thing at the age of 15 but when i ran back home it was too late so please no matter what when your daughter comes to you grab her hug her accept her no matter what SHE WILL BE HOME SOON

I have suffered with depression, panic disorder, and anxiety for years. I know from experience that it is a constant battle and affects every aspect of a person's life. I too have children. They watched me suffer with my illness for years, and it was hard on them. Now that they are grown, they both understand it a lot better. One of the things that I did was to talk to my children (when they were old enough to understand) in a way that they could comprehend what I was saying, and explain to them my illness. Part of the problems that we had when they were growing up, that I thought was due to my illness, really didn't have anything to do with it at all. Children go through different phases in life just like we do. And they go through a stage when they don't think they are loved. But just hang in there. They will see how much you love them. As for the meds....I stopped taking mine years ago. I only use them when I have such a horrible panic attack that I can't function. I did research and read everything I could on my illnesses. Then I learned new ways to destress myself. Sometimes I have those really dark days, but I just realize them for what they are and soon they are gone. I think prayer has helped me and I will definately keep you in my prayers. I just want you to know that you are not alone.

Try writing a letter to your son. Those of us who sometimes struggle with depression are good at living inside of our own heads. We have deep, eloquent thoughts, and writing often allows us to access them. Maybe in a letter you could make it clear to your son how much you love him. <br />
<br />
Just by doing something - the action of writing a letter - you will take great steps to beat back the depression demon.

dont let everything get you down, just have faith an keep your head up an by a little chance everything will fall into place.

my son and i are extremely close and we've had a few bumps in the road since he's gotten closer to manhood and, particularly, since he went away to college. we always seem to come back from them, somehow, but each time we fall-out, it hurts me to the very bones. Truflow, what you've said here has really made me think.... that i DO look for justification in my worthiness in my children. to one degree or another, i suppose all parents do that. but, you've raised an interesting point....maybe i make things way too much about myself.<br />
<br />
for the record: my son recently "admitted" to struggling with depression. he's been seeing a counselor at his college for about a month or so and has considered getting on medication. had he come to me with that about five years ago, i would've strongly encouraged him to get on meds. since it came now (after all my HORRENDOUS experiences with meds AND all the other things that i've learned about how to manage my moods, including depression, withOUT meds) my advice to him was to hold off on the meds. Instead, for now, he should educate himself...about mood disorders in general, as well as recording and learning from his own moods. those meds they pass out are NOTHING to play around with. but, you wouldn't know how serious it is by the way doctors just WHIP those prescription pads RIGHT out!!! "here, take this and come see me in two months..." meds seem to be some quick-fix approach that nearly cost me my life!!! honestly, if mental health professionals invested more time with their patients instead of just signing their name to a precription, we as patients would have FAR more NECCESSARY tools at our disposal. we have to learn to treat ourselves, though. we have to be proactive. we have to research and educate ourselves. DOCTORS DO NOT HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS and medication does NOT solve all our problems. most people who get on the meds, though, expect a quick-fix. most people who take the meds assume that those pills are all they need. it's easy to become complacent when you're on meds...to think, "okay. i can just sit back and relax now because i've been given medicine...and medicine is for making sick people well." i'm not against meds, entirely, but i do consider them to be a last resort. meds only "solve" a part of the problem and by taking them, most people make the mistake of neglecting everything else.<br />
<br />
thank you all, as always, for your input.

As a relatively young person and recently out of a family situation where my dad needed me to justify him by making him feel like he'd made the right choices in life I think the most important thing here is your clearly visible love for your children. However your children aren't seeing it, so to make it clear for them to see, try showing them that whatever they decide to do you're happy for them. however you want to do it, maybe commenting on something about their lives which doesn't involve you and yet is still positive. <br />
In terms of you feeling good, if you imagine that your kids, and not you were feeling depressed, and thinking about taking medication, what would you say to them? Whatever it is, it's the advice that you should take for yourself.

Honey, I don't have kids so I won't claim to know exactly what you are feeling. Sometimes meds (dr. rx) can take the edge off by I still have to deal with my pain. I'm assuming your doctor will say the same. so listen to your phychiatrist, psychologist, counsellor and family doctor. if they are good, they will listen to and help you. Take care. Peace.

Even when we can't feel the slightest twinkle of hope, we HAVE to trust that it's there...and NEVER let go of it!!! You are not alone.

I suffer with anxiety and never had it in my life until 3 years ago. I keep waiting for it to go away. I am so tired all the time and feel like I am ugly and weird when I leave my home. I would rather just stay in my home all the time. It is so weird. I always felt good looking and loved being with others and doing things outside. Now I just can not get back to me. I am on medication and I have been for two years. I wonder if I will ever be me again. I feel like I am getting really close to having a metal breakdown and I can't. I have three kids to raise and the youngest is 2 1/2 with Down Syndrome. That is why I ended up in this depression. My husband left me because I would not terminate her pregnacy. she had Luekemia and so the first year of her life I could not work and lost everything. I mean everything. And I just have not been able to focus on anything for the amount of time or attention I need to get back up. I was just evicted from my last rental because I was late on my rent several months in a row. I have horrible credit now after my divorce and myu family doesn't help. My friends tell me to just pull u p my boot straps and dig in. I wish it was that easy. I am always tired and down. Do anyone have any suggestions. I am so bummed that my life is where it is at. I pray all the time that the Lord would just heal me and do a miracle. It has been a long time now. I feel like I will be affecting my boys who are 17 and 14 and see me really struggle with my depression and anxiety. I go to counseling once a week and really have a strong relationship with the Lord most of the time. But I am waiting for my blessing in doing the right thing. I love my daughter more that I could have ever imagined. I just need to be functioning so my life is not always on the edjge. I feel like a total loser and that I will never change.

I know exactly how you feel and the toughest thing to remember is that things can change in a minute... out of nowhere. If you choose to die, the is the ONLY mistake you cannot back from. Hang on... just hang on

Hi I m so sorry to hear you feel this way but do not ever think of yourself as useless or a failure, I ve been made to feel that way by my husband for years which drove me to drinking to much and developing an eating disorder. He s never really been here for me and my son who is now twelve but born 3 months early and he was ready to arrnge a funeral , Ithought give him a chance for gods sake. 7 years ago I became partially sighted which he blamed on my eating but doctors said otherwise its hereditory. So that shut him up for a bit but he still downed on everything I did since my eyesight got bad I have managed to pass psychology sin language and first aid all of which I have actually had to use in evry day life over the past few months even today I had to give first aid to an elderly lady who had collapsed so I thought stuff him I ve helped someone today and a few others in the past so the courses were not a waste of time. But I dont care what he thinks now as when he did get home after running up a mobile bill to his girlfriend he met a week before flying home of 8.000 ridiculous he said after 21 years of us being together he wanted a divorce and was going to marry this girl from the philipines so they are waiting for her visa meanwhile everything is still my fault but I just ignore the comments now. But going back to your children I m sure deep down they do not hate you my son on many occasions has said that and been physically horrid as well with his temper tantrums but it sorts itselff out and a friend of mine who has not seen her daughter for 8 years had a call yesterday saying she wanted to come back to live with her and hated being with her dad as he took her away saying he thought her to unstable but she is now over the moon and as you quoted she feels like its a miracle, so they can and do happen. As long as you can somehow keep in contact even by email or letter letting them know you love them eventually I am sure they will come around aas you only get one mum and they will come to realise this I am sure. So you have loads to live for and please dont think of doing anything to harm yourself as for all you know it could be just around the corner that your life could take a total turn for the better and it would be too late. Every child needs their mum even if they dont admit it and you fall out things do have a way of coming right eventually, I am hoping this myself as well. So like I said even if its via email let=ter or if they are in contact with someone you know who will pass on any info to them for you let them know how you feel and they can never say that you never kept telling them you cared. You are not a failure so dont think that circumstances have a lot to do with situations like yours and mine and I just hope riding it out and hoping will work. So dont give up hope as if you do that you have no goals left and you sound a very caring person and I really hope things work out as you deserve it. Hope to hear from you sometime and hopefully you will feel more up beat it may sound daft but it has made me feel more up beat just typing this to you we both need to stay strong and look at each day as the day that we are going to try to become even more strong and try and look ahead positively. Its the only way to go, please dont think along the lines o having nothing to live for as who knows what is around that corner. Please take care and hope to hear from you best wishes and kindest regards paula