Guilt

i have little reason to be depressed.  i'm successful at my job, i have a great family, and very close friends.  i love my partner, but we've had some issues with our sex life (i want sex, she is not all that interested).  in other words, i haven't been abused, i haven't endured any major trauma, and i have no good reason to be depressed -- there are so many wonderful people in my life who love me, who are hurt by my depression.  the guilt of hurting them, and knowing that others have much better reasons to feel the way they do only drags me deeper into this spiral. 

i feel like i owe everyone an apology.  i find myself apologizing for myself constantly, as if my very presence was somehow offensive.  even though i'm an avid runner, which thankfully hasn't suffered as of late, mentally, i'm totally spent.  outside of my most basic responsibilities at work, i haven't done anything in over a week, and a fight last night with my partner is begging to be numbed by the remaining two beers in my fridge (it's 8am!) -- the thing is, i don't want to drink the beers, not b/c it's a stupid way to deal with the pain, but b/c there are only two and that is not enough.  i can't share this pain with anyone except my therapist and this anonymous online community.  my partner doesn't really understand, she loves me, but the pain scares her into frustration.  rather than pulling me to her and loving me, which is what i need so desperately, she pushes me away. 

this isolation is eating me from the inside out.

lebowski28 lebowski28
26-30, M
4 Responses Feb 10, 2009

Sometimes when the one person we want us to love us the most - love us the way we deserve to be love - when they don't do this, it doesnt matter what we have or who else loves us, we still feel utterly alone, I ve been there you are not alone, dont feel guilty for being depressed it happens to all types of people from all walks of life....

Jack and Jake make a lot of sense here. Please consider what they are saying. We who suffer depression ARE difficult to live with - it isn't our fault, it is the result of our illness (dpression). But I believe we owe it to our partners, friends , family and above all ourselves, to get help for it.<br />
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If you haven't tried meds. please consider them. They have proved life saving (luterally) for me.<br />
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Every best wish.

hi jake. thanks. i've quite for extended periods of time. the drinking is self-medicating. it's to kill the pain, and i rarely ever drink enough that i have a hangover the next day. strange that i refuse to take antidepressants, but i'm willing to kill the pain with alcohol.

I understand what you are saying. The one thing that you have to remember is that you do not need a reason to become depressed. It still is a chemical inbalance of the brain. It sure doesn't feel like that I know because I suffer myself. I want you to try something that worked for me. Do not drink for 3 to 4 days. I always had the urger , but I didn't. After, those 4 days it turned into a week and then two. I realized how good it felt to wake up in the morning not hung over. Alcohol and depression don't mix as we both know this. I am not trying to preach to you just sharing something that worked for me. I wish you the best.