About Me...

So i have depression. Its not a major depression, and i realise that there are a lot of people out there who are a lot worse off than me. But when times are hard and you feel low, that doesnt really help me to feel better. Lots of things have contributed to the depression and to the person i am now.

When i was 13, i was sexually abused by my uncle, it happened over a number of occassions, and i was too afraid to tell anyone because my parents were really close with my aunt and uncle and they used to spoil me and my sister because they didnt have any children of there own. I didnt say anything until my 9 year old sister told my mum and auntie that it had happened to her last night. He denied it and they didnt believe her, so i had to tell them that it had happened to me too. Anyway, they believed me and times were pretty ****. My parents didnt want to get the police involved, and they didnt tell the other side of the family because they didnt want to be forced to go to the police. There were many family falling-outs over it, and my auntie stayed with my uncle. Every day i wish i had spoken up the first time it happened, because its my fault that it happened to my sister. She is so messed-up over it and wont let any men go near her now, even after 10 years. She is completely anti-man. 

My parents split-up when i was 16, and to be honest, i didnt really have a great relationship with my dad, i was really close with my mum, and i wanted her to be happy, so it didnt really affect me. My sister didnt like it very much though. Me and my mum and my sister used to be really close when my parents were together,because he wasnt around much. Then when they split, my mum started looking for a new bloke, and it completely ruined our relationship. Im not being selfish,i wanted her to have someone special in her life, but it was a shame that it was at the expense of our close relationship. All my life i could have told my mum anything. and i remember telling my friend at school that i was so close to my mum and that i would be able to tell her when i had lost my virginity. When it came to it, i couldnt even speak to her about going on the pill, let alone losing my virginity. It was completely strange to feel like that. 

I got into a serious relationship on my 17th birthday, still with the same guy now, so just over 6 years now. We were happy for a very long time, and we brought a house together, but i fell pregnant. We had been together for 4 years, and i fell pregnant, and he made me have an abortion. I am completely open to abortions and i think that it is completely down to the individual as to whether or not they believe in it or want to go through with it. However i had very strong values that i would never do this. I never wanted to put myself in the situation where this was even an option, my mum had strong beliefs on it and i guess it had been inprinted on my mind and therefore my values. We had been together for 4 years, i was in love with this man, i had a part of this man inside of my growing, and it was the closest i could ever have been to him, to have his child growing inside of me. However he did not care. He thought i was too young. Maybe i was, but it doesnt mean that we couldnt have handled it and coped with our family. If i had gotten pregnant on a one-night-stnad with some random, then maybe i would have thought about an abortion as an option. But not my partner,who i had planned to spend the rest of my life with. anyway,i was young and i didnt have much choice in the matter, i was pretty much marched-down to have it done. I wouldnt recommend it to anyone. I remember crying to the nurses telling them i didnt want to go through with it whilst i was there and they were just looking at me - and carried on with the process. 

I hate him for making me do that. it completely ruined are relationship as well. 

Then he asked me to marry him on the month that our baby would have been born, and to be honest this completely distracted me, which was what it was meant to do i suppose. I said yes, and started planning the wedding, but last september i freaked-out and called the wedding off. I didnt have a chance to cope with the loss (i say loss like it was taken from me, i realise that it wasnt and that i gave it away, but it wasnt my decision and it wasnt what i wanted)

Now i am completely madly in love with someone else (a female i might add) and they are interested, but they already have a partner and it isnt really going to happen. So i am completely gutted and i am trying to cope with the fact that i possibly like women now.

I dont know how to stop feeling down. I was offered anti-depressants, but i didnt really want to try them just yet, i thought i would try on my own for a bit to see what i could do. Its not really working. I try and listen to happy and uplifting music - which works for a bit - but it doesnt last very long.

Anyway, thats me. Im stuck feeling blue and it is ruining my life.

iamconfused iamconfused
Feb 11, 2009