My Story

Well it's taken me a long time to post my experience of this on here.  I think perhaps because it has no clear beginning and definitely no end.... 

I suffered my first bout of depression in my early twenties.  My trigger was an abusive relationship with my father.  At least that was the first obvious trigger.  My father took a dislike to my then boyfriend (he was my first boyfriend), and following that there was a barrage of mental abuse from my Dad.  I became afraid of my own shadow due to my Dad's threats of violence, not just against me but against my boyfriend.  I cannot possibly go into all the details - that would be a whole other experience post as my Dad obviously had/has his own mental health issues.  But this is what sparked my battle.  I became nervous, anxious and suffered with nightmares and sleep paralysis (a really severe form of nightmare would bring this on).  Following that I had a series of what I call mental outbursts (screaming the house down whilst in floods of tears), the final one initiated a call to my local Doctor who after being called by my mum, came to the house, diagnosed depression and prescribed me with some Prozac.  And there starts my story.  I was about 21 or 22 then, I'm 33 now and still suffer bouts now and then - usually a few moths apart.  I no longer control my depression with anti-depressants.  However I do still self medicate with alcohol and sometimes recreational drugs, only because that is what I have been doing for many years.  This is another cycle that I have yet to break free of. 

There are so many other reasons why I may suffer depression.  Perhaps my repressed feelings about the sexual abuse I went through when I was a child (not from my Dad but other trusted individuals), or the fact that it runs in the family (Mum had a nervous breakdown when I was 2 years old), my repressed anger at my Dad, not to mention the chemical imbalance in my brain!!  But really, I am still learning things about the illness.  I have decided to go back into therapy as this is what I know will help me to finally lay my demons to rest, whatever they may be.

The facts that I know for sure are these:

  1. It's not my fault that I suffer from depression and I did not bring it on myself
  2. It IS permanent and I can't get rid of it, only learn to live with it and heal myself when I need to with whatever means I have available to do so (healthy ones though, not drugs or alcohol)
  3. Very few people in my day to day life understand depression, what it is, how it's treated or the effect that their lack of understanding has on my recovery periods (I don't open up about it often because it makes me ashamed to try to explain things that even I don't understand at times)

I'm sure that there are other 'facts' but I'll leave it there as I have gone on long enough I think lol!

Thanks for letting me share my story with you.

Lola1976 Lola1976
31-35, F
4 Responses Feb 11, 2009

I have type II bipolar disorder. My son struggles with unipolar depression and social anxiety disorder. It sucks but it does help to feel like people understand. I think that many mental health professionals are better than the majority were in the past. I'm still reluctant to deal with mental health professionals, but my son, who is 18, has had very positive experiences. I'm glad you posted your story. Keep on keeping on.

Thank you. I will be posting more from now on because I really feel that this is a place where I can be understood. Thanks again for your comments.

I could have written that! (except the doc)<br />
Actually you could be my gf from 12 years ago! Really. :(<br />
You write very well, I look forward to reading your future posts. :)<br />
oh, I see you are not new, well I'm glad you posted this. Now I have found you! :) I find my EPfriends have been th best form of therapy. I guess I just have a great circle. :)

i was o n prozac but now take pristiq its a little milder!