Loving Someone You Dont Have

i LOVE MY EX BF SO MUCH. we met when i was only 18. my whole family is against to him. For their personal reason and being judgemental, always believing what other people say without minding my feelings. I felt like im alone.. al of them is my enemy. i felt like in the room and watching every step i made..By doing that they taken me farther and farther for him.. i know we really love each other so much.. Because of that he give up and he broke up with me.. After a long years when I turned 23 he came back.. My family is nothing to do with it now because im at the legal age.. and they realize the consequences that happened duting he broke up with me. I wana die Im always depress. Im living physically but already dead inside.. Im living coz i need to.. Im living because i have life but for me my life is nothing, no plans, no directions. So bec. of that they realized their faults. So that time he came our family accepted him. I guess that theres no problem anymore but I was wrong. After a year he broke up with me again to make the story short its because of the problem involving his and my family. THAT MAKE HIM DECIDE TO STAY AWAY FROM ME AGAIN.. I dont need to write it down specifically because its a personal matter.. i love him still. I want him back.. I still love him. i need him so badly that makes me very depressed everyday of my life. Its like that im living but inside of me im dead..  I hate the situation, the person that adds up to his decision to avoid me.. i DONT KNOW WHAT am I GOING to do now, my life is miserable.. I call him but he said that he doesnt want to reconcile anymore because its too complicated already. Theres nothing I can do with that. Then suddenly lastnight while im alone I realized that I can love him even I dont have him. What important is im always there for him if he needed me. Our memories remain, my love for him remain even his not mine.. Im happy loving far away from him. What important is that his happy even I SUFFERED.. i WILL continue loving him for many days, weeks, years to come... I will choose to be an oldmaid someday waiting for him to comeback. I cant love somebody else the way i love him no matter how hard i forced myself.. His the one for me my heart says.. I feel it, i dont know why? Due to this traumatic experienced i dont want to love anymore.. I want to be alone... i dont want friends or anything.. im alone in my life. im always in my room crying. feeling down.. I want to be close anybody and ten suddenly lose them and hurt me. So i dont want to take the risk..

princessheart princessheart
22-25, F
Feb 11, 2009