I Hate My Life

I hate my life...i hate being a mother.  I hate being responsible for someone else.  I can't even take care of myself.

I have suffered from depression since i was 14.  It started with running away from home, i don't want to be the person I am. 

I got married when I was 19. I thought it was going to solve my problems.  I thought i would never be alone.  I thought he would love me forever and  I would be ok.  we had a child nine months later, i cried when i found out i was pregnant.  I didn't want children, not then...not now..and it's 14 years later. I'm now the mother of a 12 yo son and a 14 yo daughter.  I ****** up their lives.  They see my depression everyday...it haunts me.

We divorced, our marriage was awful.  My mood swings were awful.  He put up with them for 5 years until he had enough. 

I remarried 8 years later, to a drunk.  How fun i thought.  but that didnt' last either..it wasn't so much fun six months later...

I bought a house before i married the drunk, again...thought i had it all.  great job, a man, kids, and now a home of my own.  then i told the drunk to leave, then i lost the job...and now im losing the house

im alone again.  im on medicine that no longer works...i spend my days sleeping.  I could sleep forever..its my only escape. I wish i was 14 again running away..looking for something. 

I need a job, i need money to live..i have no desire to be around people.  i have no ambition.  i'm so tired.  i want to sleep.  i forget important things, im short fused with my kids, im avoiding my family, im pusing people away.  i dont want to, but im scared to let them see the real me. 

i don't want to live anymore

advanced34 advanced34
31-35
3 Responses Feb 12, 2009

Wow!!! You've really got a heavy load of problems and I can relate to how you're feeling about all the stuff that's going on with you. I have the tendency to look at the huge load that' I'm facing and thinking that there's no way I can handle all of this. That's right. There is no way to handle it all. Not all at once. that's too much for anybody. But you can handle the most important thins, one at a time. Try to sit down and make a list of all the things you have to deal with in order of their importance. In other words , put the most urgent things at the top and the merely annoying things at the bottom and make a plan for dealing with each problem . I think it'll make you feel less overwhelmed and more in control.

I am in the same situation but I love my children without them i would have nothing I have no job and i am going to loose my house if i don;t get a job soon but I am fortune to have my health as many people don't it's about picking up the pieces of your life and moving forward.

I'm not certain If this is great advice but I would suggest traveling. Take your children with you to make it a family activity or leave them with your parents to bond and get a break from you. If you think about it when you've lost everything you become free and can move on to some new place that you've always wanted to go. And why shouldn't you, I'm sure you deserve a break. Just go somewhere sunny and cheap, If you don't have much cash just turn it into a road trip.