I Don't Know What's Wrong With Me...

 I've been depressed for over a year now, and am starting to find it difficult to find a way out. I'm very unhappy, and find it impossible to talk to anyone about it. In theory I should be happy - I have 'friends', I'm doing well at university, I have a girlfriend and family, but as I'm sure many of you will know, unhappiness can take over against all odds. I guess the problem is I can't stop wearing a mask; If I told people how I really felt, they would think I was joking. I know I have some serious issues; I still blame it on the family history though.

Sorry, I know my 'battling depression' account isn't very interesting nor inspiring; this is the first time I've ever mentioned it to anyone - even if it is to cyber strangers. I'm at a lost cause; I don't know what to do.

I'm sorry I don't have the guts to write anything else on here.

toby888 toby888
7 Responses Feb 14, 2009

Apologies to Toby888, this wasn't meant to turn into something about me! :/ I'm so sorry!!

Thanks, Andrew. That was beautiful. We have had the dirty nasty discussions which break most couples apart who have them: about me seeing her as a problem/series of problems. It's not true, and I had forgotten that. I know it now though. Also, being patient is always something I have been complemented on in the past. I know that, even though it seems like a long way away right now. I have just moved to a new city in the last few months too, so have few people I can talk to, less willing to. I can't quite believe someone like you found me by one chance posting on here. Take care of myself. When I say that to myself it sounds like just words. Meaningless. When I say it to others, however, I've generally built up a relationship of some kind before that point so it means a lot. I have been trying to lean on her too, but it's hard to allow someone else to help who's around all the time anyway. <br><br />
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So, thank you, and all the best to you. I hope you don't lose sight of the set of all-important rules that I found could never be spoken. The guide to happiness, if you like. <br><br />
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James<br />
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PS AndrewPenney, you might have wanted to bite my head off as some have previously, because what I spoke of was 1 case etc. in a general way. Many people get hurt by that it seems, but it came from deep within as you seem to have seen. Cheers.

I apologise - this was very much my partner's emotions. No diagnosis, she was showing enough symptoms of many disorders inc bipolar (can't remember the rest), but mostly it was due to a family history series of events.<br><br />
My sanity is slipping now as a result of the dealings above, and eating/washing up/regular stuff like that seem about 10 miles away now - the slippery slope has begun, but I've realised and have been fighting that incredibly mild part with her attempting to help. Severe depression and those goals are way off the mark I totally agree. However if one person truly cares for you enough to listen actively for hours on end, without buggering off to work or anything, it can make all the difference I think.<br />
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Thank you for not biting my head off by the way.

So, I told her what would make me happy: going out with her, going jogging, playing badminton, stop just slinging everything all over the place when she comes into the house, etc. We started doing those things, gradually, along with talking, crying, screaming (mostly at me), and me just being there saying how she loved her family really. And, sure enough, now she does. But we're talking a good 2yrs of talking until she said that and meant it. I simply persuaded her that the things she was feeling towards her parents were based on things other people in her family did, not what she felt or wanted. It took a long time to backtrack to that time, and when she did it seemed to me like she really had regressed to behaving like a 6 yr old in every way. But then she was able to see how much she was like her parents, and that living for things you don't want (e.g. to be like your mother) doesn't work: she had plenty of her mother in her. Living for what you do want (what she's trying to do now) is much better - she knows she's the product of her parents, and she also knows she wants to care for people and about their lives. The fight's still on, but we're winning. <br />
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Fitness, regular 3 meals a day, regular sleep, looking after the place you're living are all key to having enough mentality to help yourself out. <br />
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If you wanna talk anytime, about anything (I'm anonymous, anything on here stays here), just email. spammified@gmail.com - anonymous, see?

Hey, if you're worried about who I am, please read the bit under my name on my profile. I'm harmless. My girlfriend had the family history thing where she became miserable and her way of dealing was to play computer games. That became all day and she barely left her room - just for lectures. Then I showed her another life. She didn't take to it immediately - she rebelled seriously hard. However, deep deeep deeeep down she knew that what she was doing then wasn't reeally making her happy. It was a mask, but such a deep, sunken in one that it didn't feel like a mask anymore to her. I am lucky in that I tend to see through masks no matter how well sewn in they are. More to come...

Don't Worry about having "Guts".You do what you can.You are Right when You say"I Should Be Happy".You have what some people,including me, can only dream of.Family,Freinds,A Girl who Loves You.Why do You think you're NOT happy?Do you think it's not enough?Do you think you don't deserve Them?If I had to guess,which I am now,I'd say the last statement rings true to you.And I'd also bet you know how ridiculous that sounds.Your "Reasonable" mind would tell you that you have these people in your life because they want to be.They Love you becuase you're You.No Other reason than that.But your "Emotional" mind is telling you you're not worth Loving,that you don't deserve these People in your life,that you Should be in Misery.It's Your Lot in Life.As much as we'd like to ignore the Emotional mind,we can't.Rather,it almost always seems to win out over Reason.Your Thoughts,Your Feelings,can't be put right by you alone.You're at a point in your life where you have the chance to End the Rule of your Emotional Mind,to live a Happy,Fulfilling life.This is probably the ONLY time you will be able to make a change.Doctors.Mental Health Professionals.Sounds "Unnatural" does'nt it?.I beleive these people are your Best,if not ONLY hope to get the "Old" you back.Therapy and,yes,that means opening up to a stranger.But everyones a Stranger only until you get to know them.Then they can become a Freind.You may have to take medication.If you Trust your Doctor and he advises it,DO IT.Medication, for someone your age,does'nt have to be Forever.In a large number of cases it's a Temporary releif of your syptoms until you're able to deal with them on your own.But you have to learn how,first.If you let this progress unchecked I can almost garauntee you this will be a LIFE LONG BATTLE.One you'll only have a very slim chance of winning.The time is NOW.Help yourself before there's no help for you.

I feel for you.<br />
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My only advice is to stop trying to hide it so much from the people you know. If you are feeling down then let yourself show it. Forget about the mask. <br />
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I know it's hard, but in the long run you are better off dealing with this now.