Roller Coaster

A little while ago i wrote about seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

I was feeling better about myself and my life in general. I was off the meds, looking forward to going back to uni... Just generally happier, it felt like a break through..

Until the last couple of weeks...

i have been slipping, last week was the worst, i slept in one day and just could not get anything to work. i was so angry at work, i tried so hard not to take it out on anyone but people could tell. I had one lady push me over the edge, after i got off the phone to her i was severly shaking, tears running down my face, i couldnt move, i couldnt speak. After 10 min of sitting there i finally managed to get up and go for a walk around the block, it help only a little, i had myself so worked up i was feeling physically sick...

I didnt want to go back there, that was the last place i wanted to be, but i had too, i had already been 1.5 hours late to work and i had to stay back to make it up, so i couldnt just leave...

So i went back, people left me alone. i ignored the phone and stared at the computer screen. I was so upset with myself. i wasnt coping, if i was coping, i wouldnt have gotten into such a rage. Not being able to control my anger, i guess i can thank my dad for that one.

A few days later i started to feel better, i was aware that this bout was in part related to hormones. My mood swings these days dont happen as often, but they are getting stronger, now that is the scary bit...

I will tell the doctor, but i am afraid, afraid he will tell me its bi polar, that will make it real, i have done medication and it worked for a bit until it was realised it made things worse, nightmares more than anything, be careful if your on cipramil...

with the depression i was originally diagnosed with i hoped that i would get through it, get better and it would go away. Being diagnosed with bi polar will take away that hope and denial (i love denial :))

a bit long maybe, but i dont want to go to sleep, then wake up to start a new week...

YoungFilly YoungFilly
22-25, F
Feb 15, 2009