I Think I Have Always Been Depressed

It has taken me a few days to be able to write my story here.  So where do I start......

My 'clinical' depression started in 1997 and had its roots in shattered love and things I was required to do at work.  After several years I seemed to have it pretty much under control.  I was even off my meds.  But then in 2005 I suffered the loss of my Father and ever since then I've gone down hill.  Now my life is a huge mess but I just can't seem to find the energy or strength or whatever to deal with it.  All I want to do is stay at home and hide.  I hate being like this and I want to change - oh man do I want to change.  But I just can't seem to pull myself out of this dark hole I'm in.  I now take 200mg meds everyday, and every morning I tell myself today will be better but it usually is not.  I am neglecting myself, my animals, my house, my job.  I guess I'm neglecting life.  My bills pile up - so what - my house is a pig pen - so what - my dogs are driving me crazy so if it is nice out I make them stay outside all day - the animal cages are a mess and need cleaning - the economy is so bad and I'm self employed and no one is coming into the shop, will probably loss my house but I don't really care.  Or maybe I care but I just don't have the energy to do any thing about anything.  I don't sleep - am up until 2, 3, 4 almost every night and when the alarm clock goes off I just want to throw it against the wall.  I'm am estranged from the only family I have left, my brother and sister, but am so mad at them I can't make myself bridge the gap.  I am SO tired of  being like this.  I actually carry on conversations with myself trying to get myself 'up and out' and I'll think I have made some headway but the next day I back slide again.  God why can't I get over this.  I know life goes on but does it have to be so damn hard all the time.  I know that I'm not making much sense but it sure feels good to ramble and get it all out.  I feel so guilty because I can't even bring myself to clean cages.  I hate myself for that.  But I guess I hate myself for almost everything.  I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to see anyone, I don't want to do anything, I don't want to sleep & then sleep is all I want to do.  I think I am losing my mind.  I've already had one break down and I don't think I am very far away from another one.  I think about killing myself almost everyday - the only thing that stops me is my animals.  Who would love them if I was gone.  Since I've found EP I've spent hours and hours and hours here reading and writing and looking for answers and trying to be upbeat and looking for friends................I am so tired of myself.

  I think I have been depressed most of my life.  I have always been a loner and have never really 'fit in' anywhere.  I've had a few great friends over the years but we always seem to drift apart. 

Oh would I just shut up.

MTBunnyLuv MTBunnyLuv
46-50, F
3 Responses Feb 16, 2009

I feel exactly the same way. What did you do to finally pull out of it?

Hanging in - trying to put one foot in front of the other.

How are you doing now?