Depression With a Twist

 

I am what they used to call Manic/Depressive.   

I unpredictably cycle between euphoria/mania and despair. 

I am on happy pills for the "blues" and dumdum pills for those "Kaleidoscope moments.”

I always felt very sorry for myself until I recently met someone who only suffered from depression. It was so horrible to think that someone would only know days of grey despair fading into black.

At least I had those sparkling moments when the sky turned shiny blue, clouds became candyfloss and sunshine was golden.

She cried most of the time, of course, she did not tell me much, because she felt that she did not have to. She knew that I knew about depression, but I could not tell her how sorry I felt for her.  

She cried and cried. 

I did not tell her to snap out of it.                                                                                                            I did not tell her that everything was going to be all right.                                                                      I did not tell her she had a lot to be grateful for.

While she sobbed, I wondered whether she would ever feel Beethoven’s “Ode to Joy” vibrate through her soul as I have.  

I wondered if she would ever taste couscous with ratatouille as I had, bursting with flavour.

I am convinced she will never laugh from the bottom of her stomach till tears leak from her eyes and she can not breathe.

I battle with depression, but I have great moments in between.  

Of course I pay for those moments. When I have those kaleidoscope moments, my judgement is awful, bordering on suicidal. But they feel good when I have them!

I stand in awe of those of you that only live in the dark.   

I marvel at your strength to carry on day by day and....... I salute you.

w0lf w0lf
46-50, M
3 Responses Aug 10, 2007

Thank you for your comments.<br />
I added another article (Chemical Computer) expanding on the subject thanks to your input. I hope you find it relevant.

Thats wonderful Wolf!!! You can never tell people to snap out of it!! Its not that easy at all. People dont realize that! Your story just opened my eyes! You are a great person!! I take my happy pills everyday and just thank god that Im still alive!!

This is a very touching and thoughtful story; thanks for sharing it. I suffer from major depression myself; though it isn't quite as bad right now as it used to be, for at least a couple of years all I could do was go to my room at night and cry when no one was watching, and pretend to be okay when they were around, because to them one should be able to just "snap out of it" and it's dumb to be depressed for "no reason." Nothing ever felt worth it; I went to bed every day praying to not wake up. It was so awful. They're not as strong but I still struggle with these feelings of worthlessness daily, and it's often hard to see the good in things. I've come to be wary of expressing gratitude lest things go downhill again.