Depression Isn't a Choice

I want to be happy. I have moments of happiness. I know I do. Sometimes I look back and those moments seem lake a guise that I had used to run from my inner pain... maybe so, but I try to hope that it was once there. That hope gives me the stregth to trust that God can take me back to that place.

I run from my pain. I used to self injure. I quit in Sept. of last year. I am bulimic, but I am trying to stop.

I don't know where my problem started. I faced abuse as a child, who doesn't nowadays. I was adopted, never felt like I belonged. I know my drug addict, lesbian biolgical mom, not my dad. My adoptive father was in and out because he is a truck driver. My adoptive mom is great, but codependant, manipulative, and controling. Not in a bad way, but it is a bit smoothering.

Anyway, I have a good life. It isn't bad, so I don't understand why I struggle so much. I pray God helps me change. I don't want to be here, I don't know many people who do.

shonmichelle shonmichelle
18-21, F
3 Responses Feb 19, 2009

The chemical thing makes since. Doing Sudoku puzzels boosts my mood, but can also get me really frustrated with myself if I think I need to be better.

Great job stopping the self injury. The throwing up is still self harm but you are working on it and I know you can beat that too. Sounds like life really kicked u in the teeth sometimes and I am so sorry about that. You are smart beautiful person who will be just fine. Any time u would like to talk feel free to write.

Without a doubt there is a chemical component to depression - those of us who tend that way will always tend that way. We are in danger of self medicating and developing addictions, we are in danger of doing things that will give us a surge of brain chemicals that we otherwise seem to lack. It isn't our fault, that's for sure, but I think it is our responsiblity to handle it effectively. <br />
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Maybe some of us benefit from anti-depressants, but I for me I found another way. I have come to believe that it is the brain chemical dopamine that I seem to lack, and I did lots of research to come to that conclusion. But I also discovered what triggers dopamine releases in the brain: mastering a new skill. Dopamine release gives us a wonderful feeling, and dopamine is triggered when we learn something new in order to reinforce the lesson and the desire to keep learning. So I try to learn something new as often as possible. It explains why I liked going to school so much, and it explains why I get so down when I am in a no-win situation. So I teach myself new things. I taught myself to draw (hence the id DigitalArtist!), I always was a terrible speller, so I do crossword puzzles to learn to spell better, and I take on tasks that are challenging but do-able. Any accomplishment - even small ones - will trigger the release of a bit of dopamine. <br />
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It is hard to get up for new challenges when you are depressed, so start small and revel in the sense of accomplishment. Learn to cook something new, or even find a more enjoyable route to take to work. It doesn't have to be major to help.<br />
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Good luck!!!!