20/F, Smart, Beautiful...and Ready to Give Up.

Most nights I home alone and feel like I am the only person on the planet. It's ridiculous because I have a ton of people who I know like and care about me but for some reason I can't help but feel so lonely. I'm still going to classes and everything but most days I feel like skipping out on them. Last semester was when everything just started snowballing and going downhill. I had worked myself to the point of exhaustion with being a full-time student, working a part time job and having rehearsal 6 nights a week until eleven at night. Add on to this I started dating someone. This someone and I had known each other for a year or so before dating so it felt ok to move rather quickly in regards to feeling close to him so I ended up sleeping with him after only dating him for a few weeks. Well this is always a big mistake. I have, to date, slept with 6 people. T, C, S, M, D, A. I am 2 months from 21. The guy I lost my virginity to (when i was 19) I didn't love or even care about, we met one summer and had a fling and I THOUGHT I fell in love with him because he paid so much attention to me throughout that summer and so I slept with him the night before I left to come back home. We talked for a while after that through phone and online but really I realized he only called me late at night when he was stoned, horny and wanting someone to talk dirty to him. Point of the story being....I didn't exactly start out regarding sex as something special to be shared between people who LOVE each other...so I started becoming looser on my morals, etc but I would never say that I necessarily turned into a sl*t and I have always been safe in my sexual life as far as getting tested and making sure my partner is tested, etc. So back to the guy I dated a few months ago..our relationship grew fast and I fell in love with him...or I fell in love with who I wanted him to be. In the end we didn't work out, I broke up with him due to him not treating me very well and ever since that relationship, even though i don't have feelings for him anymore I have felt like a part of me was missing. I gave something to him that I hadn't ever before....I had never been in a relationship with anyone before...this relationship was about 3 months so I know it wasn't even that long when we dated but I just don't feel as complete as I did when we were dating. I think that I just have an issue with wanting so badly to find love but for some reason I always am the girl who gets called to "come over and hang out for a little bit" which really means "Hey, do you want to come over, drink a couple beers, **** me, then leave (or you can stay but I'll probably just pass out right afterwards)?" I just don't understand and I think I'm depressed because I can't find a relationship that I want so badly and I'm always the rebound girl or the one on the back burner. I'm worth so much more than that. I've been put on prozac and vistaril and it's been seeming to help a little bit with my feelings of loneliness. It's just such an exhaustive feeling and sometimes I go to bed early after taking a trazodone to sleep just because I don't want to be awake anymore to feel how I do. I'm not sure if I'm just still adjusting to the medication as it's only been about 3 weeks but I wish I'd stop crying on the drop of the hat and feel better about life. It's crazy because I have great friends, I'm in school and trying to do something with my life, for the most part my life is okay, and I have no reason to be depressed....so why am I?

Hope2BHappy Hope2BHappy
18-21, F
5 Responses Feb 21, 2009

Just read my first comment din't mean to be such a downer, bad day. All of us have made mistakes. It is not the mistakes that make up our lives. You sound like a real nice person who is learning. That is a life long process. You are doing just fine. Hang in there and remember you do a lot of thing well also. Those things are even more important.

hang in there girl. Life gets better. Promise. There will always be ups and downs, but in the end, it will all be worth it. Never lose hope that everything will be ok.

You are the not the only one who feels so alone. I sometime want to scream but I am not sure anyone would hear me. I am the guy they always leave. Later they will call and say they made a mistake but how do you trust them then. Everytime someone leave me they take a part of me with them. I am not sure how much is left

That's definitely true, I didn't have a lot of time back then. I guess I should have stated that once I realized I had just been overworking myself I did stop the "working" part..but I stopped it to the point of I didn't attend the last 2 weeks of school last semester which resulted in me getting incompletes in a few classes...there's lots of factors that contribute to how I feel. :- but yes, you're definitely right I needed to slow down.

Just thinking about the lonely thing....sounds like you are too busy with working (school, part time job and rehearsals) to get to know anyone deeply enough for a good relationship to happen. You actually might need to slow down the "working" and then work on your social network.