Sometimes I Feel Cursed

I am forty-five. I am one of seven children. I grew up in a typical southern baptist home. All that fire and brimstone left it's scares. When I was nine I was sexually abused by another male. He was a friend of my fathers. Why no one thought it was strange this early thirties some thing guy want to have a nine year old over for a sleep over. He did not have children of his own. When the abuse ended I gained weight hoping to make mysel so ugly it would never happen again. Even the abuse I took from kids at school for being fat was better than having what happent to me happen again. When I was forteen my sisters husband a great man of God took me under he wing. He then took me to his bed. Why God would let this happen i will never know. I became so depressed I was sent to live with my grandfather. I love my Grandfather very much. He was a blessing. I was driving him to see my grandmother who was in a home when I was stuck by another vechial. My grand father was seriously hurt. about a year and a half later he died. I was seventeen when he died. When I was twenty-three my father died not speaking to me. My Dad love me and me him. My sister and I had been in an arguement he took her side. Even with all this junk I try so hard to be a good person. I am very romantic. I buy flowers, sing to loved ones. I am good with children, I am a good dad, I love to dance and family reunion. I have had two fail marriges. One lasted five years the second ten years. I so want to love and be loved. I want to be happy. I want to laugh. Yet all I can think about is killing myself. I feel like I have let everone down. I feel like everyone would be better off without me. I don't think I am a bad person but I feel like such a loser. I just want someone to fight for me. I want someoen to say that they need me too. I want someoen to say My life matters to them. I am really outgoing but I have no friends. I spent a week in the hospital at New Years. I tried to kill myself. For the first time I did not feel alone. I want that back. I need to be part of a group that wont judge me. I hope with all my heart this is it. I want to fell better. I want to get better. I want to make my kids proud of me again.

Karokeking Karokeking
41-45, M
5 Responses Feb 21, 2009

I'm sorry. Noone should ever have to go through what you did.Sadly, life's a beach. Simply, you being here..writing wanting to improve yourself despite all the horrible **** you've been through says a lot. YOu are strong. YOu have survived the tormenting and the abuse of others. Now, don't let it rule your life, because if you do it will RUIN it. Live life happily. All we can do is live and learn. Let go of the self loathe; NONE of it was your fault. Those that truly love you; love you unconditionally and want nothing more for you than to be happy. Love is humane.We all are human; we all Love. Messge me anytime.Namaste.

Well, we all have stuff. It's nice to have someone to talk to or at least write too. Ha Ha.

I am terribly sorry that you had to go through that abuse as a child. No one deserves that. I have felt some of the things that you stated above. I know exactly how it feels to want to be loved and needed. We all deserve that! Don't give up! You can get through it.

I am not aloowed pets in my apartment but I am hoping to move when and if I get tax money back. I have thought of a pet though. When I was in the hospital I thought I would like to get a dog. Thank you for the comment. I hope you are havin a good Sunday.

Don't give up on life though. Your children need you. It's horrible that you were abused but you are worth something. Do you have a pet? I find a lot of companionship in pets.