Isnt It Fun?

Hmm..  So i am going to post.  I'm going to post once and maybe i won't see any replies.  No i'm not going to go and kill myself or anything like that.. way beyond all of that, and far too tired for it.  I just hope as i write this I don't get loads of email spam on my new account for signing up to this place.

GSEHO'IPHSGPIHSGPDIHPSIGHPSDGISHDGPPH'OSGDHPIOSGHPISDGPOHGSPHGSHIPGSP'HASGIPHWETPHIOSGKPAEG

Now thats out of the way.. depression.  Isn't it so great?

A bit about me.  When i was 17 and being bullied and losing too many people to death that i would like to mention i was eventually put in some kinda group.  I guess it was a mental health group.  I did a few weird things like set fire to a poster in a doctors surgery and fight with my brother a lot.  Anyways i did this group thing and still felt as much an outsider there as i did with people in the "real" world.     I was given an "experimental" drug which turned out to be xeroxat (sp?) which im sure you all know went on to make a lot of people with mild depression kill themselves and caused a lot of lawsuits.  I was very ill coming off of that.

Eventually an old friend of mine came back to town after having been away a long time and introduced me to a guy who became an even better friend.  I actually fit in with these guys and started to have fun again.  So when they decided to enroll in the local college and against the advice of my doctors i left this weird cult group and signed up too.

The next year went great.  Met more people, became more sociable, life started to pick up, i had interests, i had friends, things were good and everything bad kinda seemed a world away.

And then after that i went to college again with the second guy to study music, and life started to pick up for me.  Met a few girls, had a group of friends,  Had a band and all the creative outlet i needed, but i had nothing to complain about anymore.  Life was good.  This was the way for 2 years.  I got a bit disillusioned by college but still, friends were there, band was there, things were normal enough and i actually did forget about the past.  Not put it to the back of my mind, but forgot about it, blocked it all out.

Just before college ended i met a girl online.  She lived a way from me, but we got on well from the start and met up after a while.  It was strange to meet someone who knew what i was thinking before i said anything.  And i wasnt depressed at this time.  Perhaps it was always there, i really don't know, but i was as normal, more normal than id ever been.

We were best friends for a long time, and would talk every night on the phone.  Somewhere along the line other people i'd met from college and my old best friend faded away.  The band disbanded.  The girl i met only really had friends online and a lot of people she was in touch with at the time were too busy with their own lives.

So it kinda became her and me.  And it worked for both of us for a long time.  Eventually we got together, and met when we could.  Going to see her in another place and doing the things couples do, was new to me.  I did my best, but i did feel uncomfortable sometimes, meeting parents and things.  I hadnt really done all of that before. 

We spoke of each other as soulmates and for a long time everything felt like it was meant to be etc..  I don't even really remember how long it all went on for but eventually something happened.  I never stopped caring about my ex, never stopped loving her or anything, but i didnt want to talk so much.  Sometimes i didnt want to talk at all.  Id left college, was working in a job i didnt like, didnt have any other friends and was finding myself wanting to scream at some people. 

I would often fall asleep when i got in and so would miss any phone calls, and when i wasnt going to see my ex i did nothing.  At the very end when i went to see her, still did nothing. 

Eventually we broke up, but that kinda got us talking again.  A good friend of hers passed away and I was supportive etc, and we ended up eventually getting back together.  Maybe it was before her friend died i really cant remember.  But anyway we broke up and got together again and things were good for a while.

Eventually i started to remember things..  i started to feel like i wanted to set fire to random things again.  I remembered my grandad who died a lot, i remembered a girl from the cult group throwing herself under a train.. I lost my motivation, i lost my sexual responses,  I actually became pretty warped.  I would say a lot of weird things, and so me and my ex broke up again.

I told her a lot of reasons why id been different.  I mentioned the sexual responses thing which was true.  And that i couldnt stop thinking about my past and that i was tired.  But i also made a lot of things up.  Really over the top things.  Perhaps to gain control over the situation, perhaps to gain sympathy.  I had said that i self harmed myself before i actually did.

We tried to stay friends, and she was helpful in me going to see someone and to go back on medication, but at the same time would throw the fact that her old friends were starting to speak to her again in my face.

I think she kinda thought that these people hadnt been speaking to her because she was with me all the time.  She reasoned things a lot in her head.  But eventually she had the friends and the life that i had before we met and i had pretty much nothing.  We didnt speak after she got together with some guy she met online because i couldnt take it.

The first day she went out with this guy i cut myself to ribbons, still scarred now.  Id told people i was doing it, but i hadnt been.  But this was what started it all.  I knew it was coming i guess.  I also took a bunch of pills and had to get my stomach pumped.

I was pretty much abandoned.  I'd sacrified a lot for this one person and i was sold out pretty quickly if im honest.  Eventually this girl got married and is now so happy and what not.  Her thinking about me is "we were young and it was fun".  Which is probably blocking some things out because it was a difficult time for her but whatever.

I sent her a message from someone elses phone telling her that i'd killed myself.  I don't think i meant it nastily or anything.  I don't know why i did it.  I didn't have control over the things i was doing at that time.

I started to hate.  I hated this guy i didnt know and i wanted him to die.  To be completely truthful, if i heard he died tomorrow i would smile about it.  I hated her but loved her and didnt know how to feel.  She was a ***** to me, but then she was also the best friend i will ever have in this world so i didnt really know how to direct any of that.  It sucks that life went so great for her and mine fell apart because of one decision she took.  I was sold out by the only person i trusted.  I guess if she got divorced or he died, although i wouldnt want her to be upset, i'd see it as karma.

I was in counselling for over a year, i had hypnotherapy which really didnt do anything, perhaps it made me worse,

I lost my job which id had for 8 years after losing it at a customer who mocked me and breaking his jaw.  I was arrested (one of 4 times since the breakup) and sacked, but just fell into another job doing something very similar.

Eventually i lost that one for fighting again.  Every insult that anyone had ever given me, every bit of hate i felt for my ex's boyfriend, for the people that hurt me, i would take out on someone who decided to upset me on the wrong day.

And not normal violence either.  I wanted to kill these people,  Rip them to pieces.  And as im slight build and look quiet and shy people don't expect it of me.  A guy twice my size would not be able to stop me when i lose it, because when i lose it i don't care.  I want to rip through them.  And if i got really hurt doing it then fantastic.  awesome :-)  break me in half, i really dont carrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrre.  Couldnt make my life any worse.

So having lost 2 jobs doing the same thing i decided to make a clean break, just like i did when i signed up for college.  Stopped the counselling, but kept the tablets this time.  Got a new job, a better job where i excel.

And yet i look at the team stats i get every day which shows me and two others doing 3x more work than everyone else who get paid at least the same if not more.. and i dislike them.  I go to the social events, or i did but i stick close with those 2 people and find myself becoming more and more distant.

I've been there more than a year now.  I got turned down for a promotion because they didnt think i was approachable enough (this being when i was enthusiastic and talked to everyone and the life and soul of the party) and yet they gave it to Mr. Charisma, some guy who does half the work i do and doesnt speak to anybody or go to anything social.  How lovely of them.

Im starting to despise the people i work with but was on a desk with the people i liked.  Then i got moved, and things are kicking off.  I stopped taking the tablets.  They dont make such a big difference.  I told the guy next to me that i only liked 3 people in the office.  They see me as a quiet likable person.  I can be sweet, funny, thats my general persona.  I used to be sweet and funny.. i used to be a really nice person.

Since that break up i am not that person anymore.  I got totally overtaken by the depression.  Sure i still appear to be that person.  I dont go out with my head down or anything.  But deep down i just dont carrrrrrrrrrrrre anymore.

I dont cut myself, i have scars on my arms (very faint and not so bad thankfully) and my knuckles are permanently scarred from the incident with the guys jaw.

I went to holland through work and met a girl who works in the office there.  She doesnt go out with them, feels like an outcast and i guess we were drawn together.  First person to really understand me and click with me for a long long time and we talked a lot.  Noone bothered me over there and i really enjoyed the feeling of just being able to go into a bar without the fear of someone smart saying something.

When i heard england had been hit by floods while over there, i honestly wished it would just wipe out the country.  I hate the people here, i hate the ******* on the street that will mock me because im not so good looking, i hate the guys who will walk up to girls and shout "punani" in their faces.

I really do think if england just got wiped off the planet i wouldnt care less.  Im finding humor in sadness and thats really not right.  But i just dont really care about anything anymore.

So what can save me?  Tablets?  They really dont work.  Myself?  I dont have the motivation.  A good career?  I have one, and it doesnt help.  Friends?  Would be nice but i'd still have to put up with random people who would want to bring me down.  Counselling?  Didnt work.  Hypnosis?  Didnt work.

A relationship?  Noone really can save me but myself.  But someone could help me get the strength to overcome it.  My ex could most likely, although thats not going to happen.  But if i cared enough about something or someone, if i got my motivation back, maybe i can be saved.  Who knows?

But to meet someone now is harder than before.  I didnt take care of myself.  As i said, the whole sexual response thing just isnt there now.  I wasnt a great looking guy ever.  I dont really think im THAT bad looking but people seem to have the urge to mock me and randomly shout things at me now and again so i must be.  And the scars wouldnt make that any better.  Also the emotional baggage is bound to show up now and again.  I don't think ill be too close to anyone else. 

Do i even want to be saved?  I don't know.  I liked who i used to be.  I liked caring and being proud of myself.  I tried hard to hold onto that.  I tried hard to make myself better and did everything that was asked of me.  But everyone who cared gave up, said "let the professionals help you" and those guys never cared, was their job.

I purposely got myself addicted to world of warcraft so that i didnt upset anyone or kill myself or anything like that.  Stopped after i got back from holland convinced that i would make a go of it here, but this place isnt holland.  People suck here.

Am i physco?  No.  Thats been proven, i suffer or did suffer or whatever from clinical depression.  How fun.   Am i going to seriously hurt myself or someone else?  No.  Not premeditated.  When i lose it, its a spur of the moment thing.

The best bit is that tomorrow i will not feel like this at alllllllllllllllllllllllll :-)  It  will probably be calm and collected and sweet and funny and great and motivated to get out there and do something.  It comes and it goes.  I need to sleep.  I'm so pleased for any happy perfect people reading this that your life is oh so good.

Seriously, we need some sort of balance in the world.  Bad things happen to good people and vice versa.  World War 3 cannot come soon enough.  We need more tragedy in the world.

iyhpgshipsgiphsgiphghpi'

This depression is fun no?  :-D

 

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edit : and now an hour later i feel different about it all.  I wont delete it because i dont care what people think really.  But meh, am i crazy i dont know.  Up and down up and down.  This isnt me, im a good person and suffered some bad breaks.  I will overcome i am sure. 

Or maybe i'll get really drunk and end up in a ditch...  who knowwwwwwws..

glshfoj glshfoj
26-30, M
4 Responses Aug 11, 2007

I wish I could point a gun at you, and you could point one at me at the same time.

Hey, life can really suck. I agree with deb my sis is bipolar. She's on good meds find a good psychiatrist who knows what to really prescribe. Not a general physician. btw I suffer with severe depression, as long as i take my meds and get some sunshinelol i feel great. I hope things ease up on you. Good luck

Again good rant. It helps to get these things out.<br />
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As a former counseller i would like to say that you should not give up with your meds. So many people try a few, have a bad experience and then decide it does not work. There is a medication that will work for you, but it may take time to find the right one.<br />
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With regards to the worries about taking care of yourself, sexual health etc. again this is something quite common. It may be a side affect from medications you were taking or from the depression itself. It will usually go away when you feel better about yourself.<br />
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I do not wish to comment too much on your story, but it does sound as if you have been let down by a few people. The group you mentioned perhaps should not have let you leave, and your ex sounds as if she were perhaps too immature to deal with your illness.<br />
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As far as what can save you, i feel you have written off far too much. You seem to have previously viewed the depression as an illness affecting this "sweet, caring person" and now you see yourself as the depression. <br />
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Its hard but don't forget yourself. You are not the depression, you are ill and you need help.

I doubt that you really mean we need more tradgedy in the world. I am sorry your life is so difficult, it is difficult for many of us for many different reasons. One thing I'd like to point out about medications, it takes time to find the correct medicine and the right dosage. Don't give up. You are stronger than you know. Talk to your doctor and see what else he/she can offer.