Don't Know What to Do

I have been depressed (therefore battling depression) most of my almost 40 years of life. I thought I'd have things under control by now, but the saga just keeps on keeping on. Oh sure there were moments. I seemed to be the king of the Drama Dept. my Senior year in high school. Had my pick of the Drama chicks. I was in a comedy troupe in college. Became somewhat of a campus star. It seemed as though I was destined for all kinds of artistic success. But, somehow, once real life kicked in, my thin layer of warm fuzzy derived from other people's acceptance dissolved, and real life proceeded to kick my ***. 

The central issue in my battle with depression is my relationship with my wife. We have been together for 17 years now, and I still have no idea whether she's the best thing to ever happen to me or the worst. She's the one who urged me to seek therapy, where I began to unravel the thick web of learned helplessness that has crippled me, and to begin anti-depressants, which make me feel better until they stop working. She has supported and loved me in a way I never thought possible. But, at the same time, I feel as though staying with her has stunted me as a grown-up man. Because I feel as though I'd just as soon let her decide what's best for me in any given situation. Which precluded any thought of her being not good for me. I guess the most telling part of the story is that I am deathly afraid of mentioning any of this to her directly. I am afraid of telling her how I really feel because of the resulting emotional battle that I am sure will occur and that I am sure I will lose, ending up a crying fetal-like blob of confusion.

So, here I am where I always am: not knowing what to do. But, feeling as though I have no choice but to carry on trying to keep the marriage going and keep raising our son the best we can, even though, emotionally speaking, I'm running on one cylinder. 



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2 Responses Feb 22, 2009

I think you should talk to her about how you feel. Why do you think of it as a battle? If she is supportive, she will understand and will be on your side. She is on your side, hence the encouragement she has given directed towards your depression.<br />
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Also, the fact that you mentioned your time as the 'king of the Drama dept.' points to some sort of unresolved feelings there. Don't lock your thoughts in that part of your life. You have time to do other things now. If you feel that you are falling into the trap of "stunting" yourself, it is not necessarily because of your wife. The support she lends you may be better than none at all.

Oh no reading ur story makes me wonder i guess ill be battling mines in my forties to that is if i live that long and i hope i dont the who say "hope i die before i get old" which i do ... cus i dont want to be depressed always ... anyway hope u are somewhat ok ... or have something to comfort ur feelings take care...