Is This the Real Me?

I am 29 years old and can honestly say I have never known life without depression.  My earliest memories of self-loathing are from kindergarten.  I was acutely aware that I was the "different" one.  The ugly one.  This never let up, only got worse.  I despised school because I hated being around the other kids.  That never stopped and in fact spread to all aspects of being out in society at all.  By the time I was twelve, the only place I would go was to school and only when I could come up with no other excuse not to go.  I drank alot of ipecac that year. 

As a teenager I slept alot, began cutting myself and drinking myself sick almost every night.  I always drank alone and was so used to drinking that many times I would drive to school after no sleep and the last drink being just an hour before class.  I did well, though.  My grades were kept a's and b's until I finally dropped out in my senior year.  At that time I was in a period that it was getting hard for me to leave the house again.  So I just stopped.  Everything.  I avoided the few friends I had, would take no phone calls, went nowhere and did nothing.  Looking back, this particular part makes me so angry.  What were my parents thinking letting me go through all of this and doing nothing to intervene on behalf of any future I could have had?  I don't blame them for my depression... in fact I have no idea why I am this way (I have ideas, but not the energy to write them all right now).  But I have kids now and if I seen them having any of the symptoms that I had, I would be searching for answers and help asap.  It's not normal for a six year old to scream they hate themselves while pulling their hair out and punching their legs until bruises are left.  Yes, I seen alot of counselors but never for more than 2 or 3 sessions.  Perhaps they told my parents I was hopeless.  I don't know.

Anyway, today I am cynical and sarcastic.  I still abhor what I see in the mirror and I push away everyone that is close to me.  Trusting anyone or anything is extremely hard for me; I've been with my husband for ten years.  Our relationship is an abusive one.  He's been to prison for domestic assault and battery (on me).  That was three years ago and he has not touched me or threatened to touch me since.  But the emotional abuse goes on.  He is leaving me now though, which is a blessing.  What's so pathetic though is that throughout these years I would always take him back.  Always thinking, "Well who the hell would want me with 4 kids?" Or, "I'm so ******* ugly and gross I should be happy that even he wants me." I am moving out of town and avoiding him at all costs just to make sure he does not get back into my life again.  I feel I will probably never find anyone else... but I can't have our daughters or son thinking that settling for someone like or being like him is a good thing.  The good days and moments I have are because of my kids and they deserve more even if I don't.

My question to myself everyday is, "Why?"  Is this the real me?  Was I born to be pessimistically questioning every aspect of life?  When I try to do things that other people deem as "normal activities" I feel fake and out of place.  I have severe phone anxiety (if there is such a thing) and will avoid talking on the phone at all costs.  So I am completely isolated, of my own doing.  My family is all dead.  I have pushed away any friends I may have had because I feel worthless... my husband was all I had left.  I feel so guilty because of this yet at the same time I like to be alone.  I know I should reach out to someone, but don't know how and feel like I don't have the time anyway. Something has to be done though.  I am afraid that something will happen to me and my kids would be left with no one.  And that tears me up.  I have got to get over this.  I'm trying counseling again and I'm forcing myself to go to a single mom's group... but the feelings persist.  I am even going to try going to church.  My mom suggested that a couple of years before she passed.  I guess it can't make things any worse.

I'm just rambling now, I should get to bed.

sparklet29 sparklet29
26-30, F
4 Responses Feb 25, 2009

CREATING... NOT CRESTING...LOL...SORRY.

Alot you say is negative about your self... start thinking and speaking positive about your self and your life... everytime you speak negative and think it...you are creating your life around it. seriously. Replace every bad thought with a good one.. even if you have to fake it and dont feel like saying it or thinking it. YOU ARE CRESTING YOUR OWN UNIVERSE AS YOU GO ALONG!<br />
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GOOD LUCK SISTER.

First - You are fearfully and wonderfully made. You were knit together in your mother's womb. You were known before the creation of the world. If you had been the only person ever on the planet, the God of heaven would have come down and died for you alone! You ARE loved. I know, because I, for one, love you. God loves you too. Go to a website (TRUST ME) called Life Without Limbs and order a DVD called Verve. It will change your life. Find a LOVING, community (nondenominational) church family. Do they seem KIND? Do you sense some CARE when you visit? If not, keep looking. Love is the main ingredient that MUST NOT be missing. You need to know two things. They are facts. You are loved. Everything is going to be all right. Start loving yourself. Allow the God of heaven to hold you in his arms and comfort and console you. Write to me. I would be happy to be your listening post. Counselors can be good or bad. I hope you have found a good one. You are not alone. LOTS of people feel as you do!!!! Been there. Done that! You are in my prayers. Love yourself. YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!!!!!

It’s ok to rambling. Changing your behavior and self-esteem is a long process. The physical and mental abuse along with depression can cause you to sink into a deeper whole but there is light. Please give your self and your children a chance. Continue the counseling. Things don’t change over night. I didn’t have depression till my mid twenties. Like you I would shut out the world. Cancel my counseling. Everyday I have to take small steps and enjoy whatever I can. Most of the time I feel I don’t have anything to look forward to either. My counselor would say the stupidest things like did you enjoy your cup of coffee? I thought want a waste of time but I see no alternative. I need her help. Depression is hard to battle alone. Your kids will give you strength. Don’t look at them as a obstacle for founding love. My friend is a single mother of 4 with 4 different dads. She found someone great to love her.<br />
Best of Luck<br />
Drop me a line anytime.. :-)