I have never been medicated. Never been told "yes you have depression." but in my mind i don't think I need to be told what I feel.

This goes beyond sadness, this is hopelessness. A sticky black splotch on you that traps everything around you. Making a mess of things you once loved and turning them into something you just want to get away from. In the center is you, fighting.

Fighting to break free

Fighting to breath

Fighting to make a way

And in the end it seems that the blackness is the only solution, to let it swallow you up and maybe then this weight around you won't be so heavy.

I have tried for many years to stop this from happening. Even going as far as to retreat into myself, I didn't want my disease to infect others and make them unhappy. For a long time I thought this was the norm. The aching pain in your gut that made you want to run away, to simply walk out the door and into the black.

I hate this feeling. As the years have gone by its become a louder voice in my head. Harder to ignore, harder to love myself, harder to accept myself, and harder to resist the urge to let the darkness swallow me whole.

Some day like today when the sky is a rolling grey I think maybe life would be easier if things had just ended already.

I write this in the presence of a parent that doesn't even know my feelings. Looking at a screen of friends that I don't think really know me all to well. And a past I have become disgusted in. People tell me to look forward and move on, but that is easier said than done. When your past haunts your present its like a ball and chain around your neck weighing you down.

Worries about the future, money, life and love seem to mundane to face.

I just want to make the world go quiet, no more worries, no more pain.

I know I won't find love in this life.

I know I won't make a real difference if I simply disappeared.
isodole isodole
22-25, F
4 Responses Aug 15, 2014

Talk to someone tell your parents if they are supportive but talk to your doctor, get a referral to a clinical psychologist. Depression is nothing to be ashamed of, it's a disease like any other and it's highly treatable. Medication can help stabilise your moods but it's the psychological training which can allow you to either cure it or at least manage it

I understand you, because there was a time earlier this year when i felt so awful and down and that there would be no end to the darkness i felt within. However a few months down the line i am feeling better and although not fully
recovered i have learned that there is a capacity within all of us to overcome such sadness

Thank you! me too i dont need someone to tell me how i feel. not hard to diagnose that you're not happy.

Maybe it's all in your head! You probably just fine!

Maybe

Why a zombie on yo profile pic?

Looked cool and it's a makeup artist

Okay.... I probably am a sensitive viewer... And very imaginative at the same time....

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