My Life, the Less Emo Version

OK, I got the emo poetry out of my system. Here's the version that will make at least a bit more sense.

 

I battle depression. It's not easy. People never really understand. Maybe they can't. Maybe if they did, they'd be depressed too.

I'm 35. I've never had a full time job. I've always just lived off whoever. Parents, friends, the government.... I've never been self sufficient, ever. How pathetic is that? 

I've been depressed for over a decade. A lot of that time, I didn't know I was depressed. I just thought I was a terrible human being. Depression does that.

It's been a long hard slow fight up from complete self-loathing. I went years unable to even look at my reflection in a mirror. if I did, the self-loathing, hate, contempt, and rage would overwhelm me and I did not need that.

I'm the dysthymic type. That means not a lot of big depressions. No suicide attempts, no trips to the hospital, no self-harm. no crying jags, just feeling helpless and crappy most of the time, and living a very small life inside a tiny safety zone.

A tighly sealed life. Nothing gets out, and nothing gets in. I sometimes feel like I am holding myself together, like someone who has been stabbed in the abdomen holding their insides in.

Or like I am clinging with all my might to the edge of a steep cliff, with nothing but darkness and annihilation below, and too scared of falling to try to pull myself up over the edge.

But it's all just props and scenery, smokes and mirrors. The darkness, the cold, the depression, the imagery.... it's all just there to hide my problems, like a black tarp thrown over a set piece to make it blend into the offstage shadows and disappear. the audience knows that it's there, but can pretend that it isn't.

In order to disappear into oneself, do the introvert's retreat, one must rip a hole in oneself, then become small enough to fit in that hole, and crawl inside. And the more you grow, the bigger the hole has to be.

We do it to ourselves. To escape.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

BeyondTheDeadHorizon BeyondTheDeadHorizon
31-35
7 Responses Feb 27, 2009

Thank you for your remarks, fe45au. (iron 45 silver?) <br />
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I've had a fair bit of group therapy. I can't say it helped all that much. You more or less have to fight for attention. I've never been real good at that. Too easy to just fall back into my role of facilitator and pretend to be a therapist too. :P <br />
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As for individual therapy, no, not had much. not since I was a teenager. It would probably help a lot, but I can't afford it and the government doesn't pay for it. Group therapy is so much more efficient, you know. <br />
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And they won't even give me group therapy any more. Apparently, if you don't get well fast enough, they cut you off. Sorry, please go off and die quietly somewhere. <br />
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Imagine if they did that with a physical illness. "Well, your cancer is just not responding to therapy, so I'm sorry, no more chemo for you. " <br />
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Siorry, didn't mean to get all ranty. :) <br />
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Thank you for your encouraging words, fe45au. :)

Glad you won against the depression, unique71! <br />
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And good luck in the war...... woman? girl? lady? <br />
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Good luck in the war.... you. :)

Beyond, I understand what you're feeling. There are ways out of it. <br />
The cliff scenario is something I have used in the past to determine how down I am. Even if you're just dysthymic it doesn't sound good. You sound like you are seriously depressed. <br />
If you have had therapy, are you doing any of the things recommended? Personally, even if it doesn't make me feel any better, I talk to myself about good things. Journalling is another way to get those stuck places' thoughts out. I think it's great that you're sharing here. It's a hard thing to open up to others.<br />
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Someone in your life has taught you to loathe yourself. Now you need to teach yourself to love yourself even if you don't "feel" like it. <br />
What's the rage about and what would happen if it got out? What do you see yourself doing? <br />
Share a story or two about situations that made you feel like this. In this group we see past the smoke and mirrors and we do understand the seriousness of the depression.<br />
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There are times when I am just like you, holding onto something on the side of the cliff and too scared to reach up and pull myself up!

Then unique71, take this from my heart to yours. <br />
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Never let the depression win. Learn how to talks and talk back to it. When I was your age, I didn't know what depression was or how to fight it. You know better. <br />
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Good luck in the war, man.

THank you, Angelsallaround. :) Hugs are the best drugs. <br />
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Speaking of which, yes, I am on Paxil for the depression/social anxiety, Infowoman. It's helped a lot.... helps cover over that deep void inside where everything disappears, makes me feel less like I can feel the wind blowing right through me.

Can relate it becomes a part of you. Others do notice, but you go on. Do you take medicine? How about poetry I'd like to read some. Am familiar with dysthymia.

well i know what its like to be depressed and i think everything can change,sooner or later.many hugs*