It's odd...being back here without being able to look back on any of my old stories. Instead of going on vacation, I outright deleted my account. I thought on it, and at the time it seemed like a good idea. But almost 2 months later, I'm back...and it all feels so empty. I feel like I have to start writing things again, providing insight to how I feel in hopes that maybe I can connect with people who feel the same, or maybe help those I can. It feels like I never left...but I have no proof I was ever here. I spend my life trying to hide in obscurity...but I'm kind of bummed out that no one will remember the person I was. It's my fault though....I won't let them. I feed my own self own conclusions on life and my own lack of self esteem.

I couldn't even fathom that people would want to read what I write, yet on my old account I would get a decent amount of responses. I don't understand my brain. Even when typing, I ramble about nonsense. I guess that will scare away most of you. Oh well. C'est la vie.
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2 Responses Aug 15, 2014

Been thinking about that, too. Hundreds of stories gone in a blink. Would anyone notice? They will say they do, but when it happens, do they say anything? I doubt it. And even if they do notice, they will forget soon, because your past doesn't matter. The only thing that matters is what have you done for me today?

Sometimes strangers will respond to me -- but hardly ever. I have never had anyone I know respond to me. We are invisible, I think. We live in a world that turns most of us invisible.

I think a lot of people (me included) just feel depressed lonely because we have no one there for us when we need a shoulder to cry on. We want to see who would actually miss us if we were to die. Who would attend our funeral, who would cry in search of attention maybe who would cry REAL tears. There is a song I like to listen to every time I feel really bad and it usually stops me from cutting, it's called invisible by Hunter Hayes. Listen to it, it might help a lot.

They would say it is our fault. I'm not sure. It could be depression driving us. We may not have the control over our actions we were told we have.

It looks like a self fulfilling prophecy. But do we really want to drive people away and be lonely and useless and die? Really? Not that it matters. It allows others to blame us for causing or own troubles. It absolves them of any responsibility for others. After all'we're not sick. We are choosing to be this way.

I disagree. I'm like that, too. I know what I need to do, but I don't choose to do it.

I think we can't choose to do it. I think depression makes us destroy ourselves. We don't want to die, but we can't help but push inexorably in that direction because it does something to make our brains think we deserve all forms of awfulness.

Which makes it feel like a choice. We are choosing to hate ourselves and hurt ourselves and to isolate ourselves. That's what it feels like.

But I don't think that is really true. I don't any one of us would do this if we had a choice, ergo we must not have a choice. None of us are stupid. We may hate ourselves, but secretly, inside, we don't hate ourselves. We just don't have a choice.

That is why we have to give up the fight. When we give up, we are recognizing we cannot help ourselves. We cannot save ourselves. We can only hurt ourselves.

But when we give up, if it is an honest giving up, we might stop wasting energy on fighting that which cannot be fought. And with that saved energy, we might be able to do something more constructive.

It happened to me once. I hope it will happen again. But I'm not there yet. I still think I can fight it.

Live with no regrets...deleting your account felt right when you did so it was...starting over isn't up is. I'm facing a new beginning and holding on to the past is holding me back...