Okay, here it goes, my first post. I have been battling depression on and since I was 13, at least on a conscious level. The other I experienced a breakdown after a very minor event happened. It wasn't anything major and it barely involved me, it was more my thoughts on what people might be thinking about me.

First I felt very sad, then very angry. Then I started to have suicidal thoughts, which hasn't happened in a long, long time. I started to evaluate why I was feeling this way and I came to a major revelation.

It wasn't this seemingly minor event that made me feel this way. I already felt angry and sad, I always have. Almost my entire adult life I felt this way and I have used outside events as a scapegoat. I was mad cause I lost my keys, bullshit I was already mad. I was sad and insecure because some random girl rejected me, bullshit I was already sad and insecure.

When I got home I sat in my car for thirty minutes crying begging for it to all be taken away so I could just be happy.

So, now that I know I am perpetually a sad and angry person for no reason that I have discovered. How do I get rid of it all?

wrenchit91 wrenchit91
31-35, M
3 Responses Aug 18, 2014

I can't tell u how to get rid of it all, and I will say right now that I have posted about 4 responses to experiences in the past hour and all I them have the same basis. Although I don't mean to offend anyone, if someone says they relate to what u said, although they can relate, they do not fully understand. You and only you are te only one to understand exactly what you are. And you and you alone are the one that can fix it. You don't need others advice. I am all around a happy person, but I'm telling you that I could kill myself just as easily as u could, we all have the ability to kill ourselves. And likewise, we all have the ability to be happy. But I cannot do it for u, I can only point I in what I think is the right direction. Although it may seem obvious, to have to help yourself. I am simply telling you that the tools to help yourself become happy DO EXIST inside you. Just the same as the tools exist inside me that will make me kill myself. No one knows you better than yourself, so no one can fixit as well as yourself

I think the best analogy would be running a marathon, or hiking the pacific crest trail, or riding a double-century. Only you can carry yourself through the grueling journey to it's completion. And only you know your own body -- it's unique quirks and special needs. However, it is valuable to know others who have been there and done, that to offer their perspectives, tips, tricks, and support. And this is also true for those internal struggles of the human journey.

I have not done any of those things I mentioned above -- so I'd be of no help other than cheering from the sidelines ;-) However, I do know depression -- I have traveled this landscape and can sincerely relate to others' journeys and the places they have visited. And I can offer my own perspective on what has worked, or not, for me. It's important for us to affirm and support each other.

But, as you say, each person must judge what others say against their own experience, and each person is ultimately on their own to actually carry themselves forward and, hopefully, out of the desert.

I can relate to everything you are saying here. My experience has been similar. For me it was helpful to realize that my early life -- pre "consciousness" -- was absolutely a disaster and that it accounts for my starting life "depressed". I am 56 and I still battle with being a "perpetually sad and angry person". But I spend less time there now due to: not identifying myself (my essence) with this horrible feeling, exercising as much as possible, medication and practicing "mindfulness". I don't have time now, but am happy to expand on these ideas if you'd like. (I just wrote a big post regarding "It is NOT your fault"). But most of all, I have personally been where you are describing -- and I know it is possible to get to a better (though not perfect) place.

How long ago since you were diagnosed... if at all?