Well here I am awake... I don't want to be...

Back to the drawing board...
lostunit lostunit
31-35, M
2 Responses Aug 19, 2014

Glad you still around. What are you drawing?

New plans on how to make stuff work.

I'll get it... Than again I'm a failure and that's why nothing is working.

Think its that one don't you agree?

stuff ? personal stuff? mechanical stuff? buildings?

Anything and everything

Probably the failure is just math! I can agree with that 'failure' in the mechanical-building plans.. in the personal plans well you are drawing, means that even you keep thinking bad things, that's not your plan..and that's not a failure, it is an improvement.. gotcha!... I can help with the math btw

Right now I'm looking at if crushing pills takes away from the properties of the pill thus making not work.

It might lose properties

Yeah... And I can't get an answer... Some say yes some say no. And than others say don't do it...

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It's midnight for me, laying awake staring at the ceiling, can't get the thoughts of my friend who OD'd on heroin 6mo ago out of my head.
That makes two of us who don't want to be awake right now.

Did he make it? Heard that's a painless way to go if injected. So he likely didn't feel anything. But still. Why did he do it when he got you as a friend?

Yeah I hate bad memories... Seems like that's all I have. Its noon here. And I'm still researching ways to end my life.

From what I'm reading my body has built up a tolerance to unison products, and it will take a minimal of a week to recover. And that time it was a mistake.

Use those negative memories and embrace them until they are part of u. Until those memories are what defines you and make you who u are, if u do this, it will be much easier when u look back.

And that right there goes to show how some people don't understand that some memories that define you are the ones that break you!

How would you feel waking up to the hunting nightmare of you friend being gunned down about 20 so odd metres away, but you can't do anything about it cause your field CO is holding you back saying you go out there and your next!

Is that a memory you want? Q friend is dead cause I couldn't save him!

No, she died. She was trying to get clean, but someone gave it to her and she couldn't refuse.
She was open about her struggles, but like me, also kept her worst pain locked deep inside.
I don't think it was intentional, but she's gone now. There were so many things we planned to do together the next we were in the same city.

I know you keep researching ways to kill yourself, but seriously...there are people you will hurt if you follow through...people you wont even expect to hurt.
Are you trying to prove a point to someone? Trying to hurt people?

Who can I hurt?

I got no friends nor no family. You think maybe hurt my boss. He already has me replaced. My doctor? She knows my state of mind and knows I'm gone in more ways than 1, she even said if she could she would prescript a combo that would kill me quickly and with no pain at all. But she can't cause they would know she allowed me to commit suicide.

The damage is there... Cut my head off and the pain goes away. But sadly so will I.

There is always someone who cares about you, even if you don't realize it.

If I had anyone that cared I'd be talking to them and such.

At last I don't. So yeah. That means no one cares.

Sure you can say you care. But get ready to answer the question why.

Yes I do care.
Why?
Because I know how it feels to want to die. To feel like life is ******* pointless. To constantly be run over, lied to, kicked around, stabbed in the back, and betrayed by the ones who should have been there to care.
I know whats it like to constantly have one thing after another go wrong. How it feels to love someone so much just to have them walk away like nothing mattered.
Im not perfect, never would claim to be, but once I accepted life is hard and sucks ***, I gave up on trying to give up and just started doing everything for me. And it worked, mostly.

See I can't live just for me. Its not how I grew up or was trained.

Humanity is screwed up badly but we need each other to survive...

Than there are the weak links or the people that should never have been born, and that's me...

Reduced to nothing more than a house to live in and no one in my life...

Sure its easy for you to say go to the bar and pick someone up or go for a walk or go pick up some working girl, but that isn't me!

And the reason you gave for caring is a reason of pity. You pity me cause I'm a failure at life and that you accept that.

I thank you for your kind words broken, but right now I'm in so much pain, and can't take anything cause of my overdose yesterday morning. Still got massive pains and the headache... I can't sleep...

Yeah I know that's my fault... But still...

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