I had another story up on here about when I was molested, but then decided if I am going to make a habit of posting my life stories on here, that story is not the one I want to be defined by. Whenever I’m feeling a lone or a little depressed I tend to write in a journal. SO now I’m going to write on here and try putting myself out there. Who knows, my stories might help people.

So I am 41 and have lived a very eventful life, I do suffer from severe depression because of all the crap I went through growing up, but honestly I wouldn’t trade my life and those experiences with anyone else as they made me who I am today and I like myself now. I didn’t for a VERY long time, and it took me most of my life to realize that I am a good person who tends to make friends everywhere I go. I still get depressed, but I got control of that **** a couple of years ago and now my life is exactly the way I want it. It truly saddens me that people who don’t have severe depression don’t understand people that do have it. Its frustrating in fact because those people see it as a sign of weakness.
Everyone gets depressed, but the people who have my kind of depression know how debilitating it can be. The best way I know how to describe it is, imaging falling down an old well. The water at the bottom is so old its mixed with mud and makes it hard to move your limbs about. You grab hold of one of the bricks in the wall to pull yourself slowly out of the water, then another brink, then another until you are halfway there, taking you hours just to get to this point, you see the light, some glimmer of hope, then one if the bricks gets dislodged and you fall what seems like forever and within seconds you are back were you started and now more tired than before and doing that all over again seems like an impossible task.

Another way to describe it for me is having a huge suffocating weight on my heart that never goes away no matter how happy the environment is around me. I tried to do things that would normally make me happy but everything lost its luster and joy.
I only show this side of myself to very few people and only because I had no choice at the time, the person that most of my friends know is, very funny, nice and very giving. When someone I know is in trouble I’m there or if they are depressed I’m always the one to get them out of it by making them laugh or think of something else. I am constantly on the phone helping my friend through various situations, I used to hate that I was the person that everyone called when they are having issue, but now I feel honored that they think of me when they are having those hard times in their lives, and they trust me. Well this is my first random rant, boring I know, but I’m not trying to write an entertaining book, just trying to get things out of my head. Not sure how often I will write on here, we will see.
Shellback1992 Shellback1992
41-45, M
2 Responses Aug 19, 2014

this sounds VERY familiar. thanks for sharing.

Thank you for posting. I think you eloquently captured how depression feels. I hate when people tell me to just cheer up or put on your big girl panties and deal. I deal but it's not always the way they deal. They just don't understand when you make that fall how hard it is to get back up again.
Again, thank you for sharing.