Well, it's been 13 months since my depression took over my life, moving my life from barely getting by to being unable to go outside...unable to have a job...unable to look other people in the eye; paranoid thoughts and feelings coupled with extreme anxiety have floored me in a way I never thought possible. I don't know how I've lived like this for so long, able to cling on to small things to keep me from completely losing my mind. I have irrational fears; fears based in ridiculous odds and 'what if's'. I know that how I feel isn't right, or my paranoia and anxiety are all in my head, but knowing does absolutely nothing to quell the feelings I get. They've eaten a hole through my brain, slowly ruining any and everything I had once cared or loved. I feel nothing but pain or just numbness anymore. I used to be able to smile...I can't now. I find myself even through the course of my day, unable to leave my house, tearing up because of thoughts I have. Sometimes I cry, sometimes it's just tears. Sometimes I can't sleep. Sometimes all I do is sleep. I'm always tired....and I'm near apathetic. I've seen how my close families lack of care has turned into an almost contempt for who I've become.

I'm such a coward....and I'm terribly scared of dying. I believe that death is the end...that there is nothing after. That frightens the hell out of me...but I can only feel like I DESERVE to be dead. All the squandering I've done with the opportunities given to me; the laziness, the manipulations, the cowardice. I got to go to college. I got to feel what love was like. I got to have a job, live independently and work for everything, being able to call them my own. I've lost them all. I could blame the depression, but I blame myself every second I'm conscious. I feel nothing but regret and shame for what I've become. I hate my reflection. I want to rip my eyes out and shoot myself in the face. I want so badly to not feel this way anymore. I'm at the point where recovery doesn't seem like an option, where I feel like even if I were to take medication and go to therapy, this demon will always be in my mind, trying so hard to drag me under. But I'm comfortable with this demon. He promises me safety and comfort in exchange for hiding in the dark with him, doing nothing but being.

I wish that I could just die....I'm not strong enough to do it myself, and as scared as I am, I know that I deserve it.
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1 Response Aug 19, 2014

I battled with these kind of feelings for many years but with medication and good counselling I now understand why I felt this way! Now I can accept myself and shake the hand of Peace with myself, nurture myself and be my own best friend!

Never give up! You are not alone! Seek help and share how you feel! THINGS CAN GET BETTER (⊙‿⊙✿)