"Come outside, see your brother's new car", she said, attempting to sound as nice as she could muster. "I've seen it already," I replied. "It's nice." "But come outside and see it," she protested. "I don't want to go outside" I said, in a somewhat rude voice. She just scoffed and walked away. "I know you guys hate me..." I muttered, closing my door, headed to slump into a pathetic heap in my bed. "Riiiiiiight...." she said, sarcastically, as she walked away, shaking her head.

This is my life. I can't go outside and gawk at my brothers gorgeous new car. He worked hard to get it, and I'm happy for him. The first problem is that going outside is something I can't do without being anxious and feel like my stomach is climbing up my throat. The second part, the part I want to kill, even if it means I die to, is jealous. Jealous that his first car was better than mine. That it's more expensive, fancier, and has tinted windows. I can't be proud of my little brother because I'm mad he is actually living while I let myself waste away. Because he's been able to see me screw up and adjust accordingly. He's a great person, and he'll have a great life. I'm perfectly resigned to be whisked away, either by death or mental disease. I hate seeing people succeed because I can't find the motivation to even try to get better. I tell myself I should just use his gun to shoot myself, but I feel guilty that he'd probably blame himself for leaving it where I could get at it. I can feel the contempt my family has for me...and I wish nothing more than to disappear. I wish I could just disappear. Dead or alive, I don't care anymore.
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2 Responses Aug 19, 2014

It's hard when your dealing with depression because all the things you once enjoyed doing no longer hold the same joy . Depression has a grip on you it takes you to a place emotionally you never knew was possible . I remember when I was suffering from depression what that was like in my case medication and counceling helped but I know everyone is different I hope you get better .

You need your own space. That's what family do, at least get the urge to show him up and do you own thing. Feel happy for yourself and no one else. I suggest live on your own and do your own thing.