I'm writing this to tell the story of why I'm depressed, so people can fully understand what I've been through.
My depression started 2, almost 3, years ago, when my best friend killed himself due to heavy bullying. I was devastated, and just lost motivation to do everything. I was depressed for a year and a half after that, consisting of cutting that people in my life still don't know about, and suicide attempts, but then I started to get better when I went to 9th grade. I made new friends who cared about me, I felt happy. But then something happened...
My first girlfriend, long distance for a whole year, killed herself. She lived in a bad household. Her parents hated her, her siblings abused her, she was raped at the age of 7. I loved her to death, but then she was gone, just like that. I fell deep into depression again. I began cutting heavily again, two more suicide attempts; I was a wreck. But, I still kept a fake smile on my face, so my friends wouldn't know how sad I was. But it just got worse.
Another friend of mine then died of cancer, just two months are my girlfriend killed herself. That was almost the end of me. I wrote a suicide note and had a gun to my head. I didn't want to be here anymore. People I truly cared about in my life were gone, never to be seen again. My friend walked in on me as I was about to shoot myself. She stopped, and I collapsed in her arms, bawling. I told her everything, as I never told anyone about my life. She helped me, I was slowly getting better thanks to her. But then she moved and now I'm slowly going back into depression. I've cut a bit, but I've promised my girlfriend I'm gonna try and stop. I'm trying to get better for her.
So, that's why I am depressed. This is the first time I've told anyone on here, even my best friends, about my whole story.
PanicAtTheBlink PanicAtTheBlink
18-21, M
6 Responses Aug 19, 2014

I'm so sorry for your losses I can't say I've had the same things happen but I have done a lot talk to me if you ever need it

Thanks, I really appreciate that

Your welcome 😌

The only thing i can think to tell you is i am very sorry you have lost so many so very dear and close to you. I hope you find something or have something to turn to when it all gets to you really bad. I understand that just becuase thier friendsnyou met online doesnt make them any less of a friend or loss.

I'm sorry this has all happened to you. IV thought I was depressed. But know I see ur shoes and well I hate myself for thinking I'm not da lucky one. If want someone to talk to I'm here. I'm not a therapist but I try to be helpful all da time.

*sigh sad to hear I'm sorry for u. Don't cut again! They don't want to see this too. Don't worry, just let go of the past and start new beginning. Be happy! A real one tho. They be at heaven watching upon u, and check if ur ok... I'm sure they don't want to see u being depressed. Show them that ur not depressed and that ur strong enough not to be. :) I believe time is the best healer. I know it's hard to let go at this time but thinking positively helps a bit. As time does by it'll be better. :) message if u need help.

Wow- I'm so sorry you've been through so Much. Please don't hurt yourself anymore. You have lost many loved ones but I promise you, there are many more people/ some who you may not even know yet- that really care and love you!
Where are your parents in all this? Do they know how much you hurt?

My parents know I'm depressed, but not this much. They don't even know about the second two friends. I keep that from them, it would hurt them to know this much.

No. It would hurt them to know that you never opened up to try to help you. :(
Don't wait until it's too late! I'm a mom to a 14 year old boy- and I would be heartbroken if I knew I could have helped him, had he only talked to me.
Please!!!! Get some help. It's ok to feel depressed- but just let others help you overcome it.
Hugs!

I don't want to tell them because all my friends that have died were online friends, they would never let me use the internet again. That may selfish, but I don't want to lose the internet because my bestest of friends are right here on EP. I would be devastated to know I could never talk to them again. They are always here for me. My parents aren't very good with these things. When they found out about my first friend they didn't try to help me that much. Thank you though, I appreciate the kind words and the internet hug

Fair enough. :)
However, why don't you try to take a break from the internet on your own? At least for a while.
Call a friend and get out of the house or something. Go to a movie, the mall or even rent a video game that you two can play together.
You never know who may be needing your company... And that someone might live right next door. :)
(Ok- so maybe your next door neighbor is the old lady with 3 cats- but hey, she may need a friend too!). Lol

I suggest you ask your parents to at least take you to a doctor and get on anti-depressant medication. I've been on it since my son was born for anxiety attacks and it helps!
Nothing wrong with being on meds either. Sometimes the most special people in this world (us), need a little help.
I would love to keep in touch with you. I have faith in you that you will overcome this dark phase in your life.
You are strong. :)

1 More Response

wow.
I'm not one to pity, but you truly deserve a hug. I wish I could, but alas, we don't live near each other.
so, I give you an Internet hug.
and, if you ever need, message me.
because of there's one thing that is better than advice from a stranger,
it's advice from a stranger who's (nearly) been there,
and back again.
my advice:
write.
thank you for giving me motivation.