I visited an endocrinologist to see about my hormones and how they were affecting my moods. He's been very helpful and compassionate, really understanding my apprehension about anti-depressants. If I can make changes in my life and take certain supplements along with some therapy, I might be okay.

The thing is that the more I think about living happy, the more reluctant I feel about changing. Depression has been a part of me for so long that I don't who I was without it. It could cause a drastic change in my tragedy writings. Losing the darkness that enveloped me like a blanket, scares me. I'm afraid of losing something that made me quintessential, a three-dimensional person in touch with the dark side. I want to feel better, but at what cost? I'm terrified. I don't know what I'd do without a depression threatening to destroy me.

Or is it true what they say? Does it truly never leave? I don't know. I'm so afraid.
Apirne Apirne
22-25, F
4 Responses Aug 20, 2014

I think the worst part about it is that there is a part of me that doesn't think I deserve to get better. There's an even darker part that wants me to die in a destructive down-spiral, showing people how much they've failed me--and how much I've failed myself.

I think I don't know how to be happy alive. For as long as I could remember, I've always thought I could only find true happiness in death. It's like how a professor described the lives of early humans as brutish and short. There's nothing to be found in life but pain. Life is pain and nothing makes pain worse than a tease of happiness. You just live that life of pain until your body can't physically live anymore and hope that your soul finds a place of serenity at last.

I know. I'm sick. I'm trying to get better. :(

there is this saying, 'be careful in casting out your demons lest you cast out the best thing in you' i've been in dark places, but spend more time ok now. so that when things get dark from time to time i'm reminded of what i've survived... and i value that. because having experienced depression and survived is a tremendous source of power and wisdom. i don't think you will necessarily lose that -- and it's likely to be a recurring challenge for you. but the truth is no one can say what your path will be, because everyone's is different. i think the question for you should be: what is it costing you to live with it now? what are you not achieving, not realizing in your life, because of it?

This is exactly how I feel oh my god I thought I was alone
I stopped taking my meds and hiding them from my parents just to stop the darkness from leaving
I don't know how to simply 'be' without it :(

I believe the depression can leave, but you can still stay in touch with your darkness. You just won't lose yourself to it.