I try, I fail. I get back up just to be knocked down harder. Why bother when I know i'll never find love or inner peace? What hope is there for someone's who's lost everything?

I know I hurt my parents and my dignity when I cut, but I love the pain. It's the only thing that reminds me i'm alive. I know it's sick and wrong but to be honest, it feels right. It's like for a few minutes, i'm somebody again. My depession is not something I can just will away. I've tried. It's like my shadow that follows me, making every attempt at happiness hollow inside.


Since I know nobody will read this, I will end this story with a quote from Life Eternal.

"What'll be left of me when I'm dead, there was
nothing when I lived.What you found was eternal death and no one will ever miss you"
deleted deleted
26-30
8 Responses Aug 20, 2014

Don't give up fighting through the darkness. Though it seems your life will always be in this perpetual dark cloud, and humanity will be kept at arms length, for self preservation. It will get better, you have to work hard to claw your way out of that deep dark hole, but you can do it! That one special person will come into your life when you least expect it! And that's all it takes is one person's unconditional love, to wipe out a lifetime of a bunch of fool's who didn't know that kind of love for themselves, from you! Their loss not yours! I've been abandoned at birth,birth mother,my sister,who by the way hates me to no end and is jealous beyond words, tried to sell me to her aunt and uncle. Then by my adoptive parents,Grandparents, well they tried, but couldn't bring themselves to get rid of me. Had to keep me in the family for their own selfish reasons. Then my first husband constantly cheated, brought out abandonment feeling. Then one day this amazing man from my past no doubt,went to same school,just didn't really hang. Came into my life and turned my life outside in. For the first time in my life I know what unconditional love feels like. You will too, don't give up on yourself, or people. I did finally form a friendship with my grandma, mom! As for my sister, when mom died last year,she finally said to me she should of had an abortion. Well, that gave me the courage to walk away from her and quit trying. You might have to make tough choices that's best for yourself. I just hope telling you my story, that you can see, She's out there, you might even know of her already, and yes you will always battle bouts of depression, but if you let go of the hurt, and hate, which is harder than hell, I know. You can see things in a different light!

Our lives are seem very similar! I too was raped a week before my eighteenth birthday, I won't go into all the details right now. But it took a very long time to overcome. I still have nightmares around the anniversary though. You keep going! You get knocked down you get your *** back up, stronger than before. Don't get me wrong I still have days I scream and shout inside my own head! I'm tired! Tired of the knock down drag outs of life! To be honest, today was a hard one, I bout gave up myself! It's like every four five years of my life something huge happens in a very bad way in my life, though I have my great family, I'm still getting knocked around, even harder these days. Because now my decisions affect others that do care. My daughter and I have two genetic disorders that are kicking our butts. Both of us are in so much pain it's unbearable! I'm been trying all I can to find a doctor to do something, anything, getting no where. Been getting worse over last two months, today my husband lost his patients with me after his 14 hour work night, cause of my inability, to do what was needed to be done. I barely got out of bed, walking like Frankenstein, I got in my car and drove to the park in a hundred degree weather, shut it off, left Windows up, wearing jeans and started reading the bible. After 40 minutes, my head was pounding I was drenched, and my husband was blowing up my phone! I know all I had to do was just stay there for an hour more and my troubles would of been over! But I answered his 12th call instead! Why? Because I had a moment of weakness, I can overcome anything damnit! And I am loved! And so are you! Be stubborn, always fight the fight! I forgot that for an hour today, people like us can never for one second forget, we are in a fight for life! Tell yourself, I'm going to have a good day damnit! Then go out there and do it!

Life is meant to be a struggle. In the end we all parish from this world. Your still young. Take it from someone who ruins everything she touches. You can find what your looking for if your willing to be positive and change the negative. Sure I have more bad days then good but I take what I can get. I work at achieving that blissful place so many others have. Depression can wear you down but you have to chose to fight it. I surely don't have any answers. I can be a support system thou. Depressed souls should reach out to others for we only know how it feels. Just think about what you want your future to hold and start visualizing it. Your young and unlike me you have a chance to do things right. Hang in there!

Every scar heals with time. As long as you have breath, never give up keep fighting because we are fighting with you

We have spoken in PM.

And as much as I can say. I sense uncertianity in you. I think what you need is someone to talk to.

Let's face it. You gave me 2 motheds. But no details. First method you said you have no access to.

The second one you gave me I can assure you will fail, and will not work. And isn't used anymore. In fact last person to die by that method was a mistake. They burnt wood in they stove top while camping. They had sealed they tent. His girlfriend died but he lived disabled on his right side I think.

Everyone else who tries it wakes up 6 hrs DURING the process. And is sick as a dog cause of smoke ventilation. Which can kill you, but when your asleep you don't breathe as much.

Interesting...

You are right chances are it will never completely go away and like a long term eating disorder will always be there in the back of your head, even if you get slightly better you will have days that are so horrible you will want to die.

Your good days will be very good but your bad days will be torture, I know I was diagnosed with chronic depression at a very young age due to the mental strain a medical issue had on me and have lived most of my life with it and other issues.

I won't tell you you can beat the damn thing because that would be a lie, but I can say it is possible to get good days into the equation and form a uneasy peace with it.

You have to do this yourself initially because it is your fight and until you get partway on your own nothing anyone can do will help you, but do get started you have to fight it.

Mind if I ask how your life is such a screw up?

I won't lie and say it won't follow you but I will be honest and say that pain doesn't have to rule you, the self hate will be a difficulty (and will always be in the back of your head) but try making a list of what you are good at and try doing that in your free time; corny idea yes but it works.

You will probably suffer from PTSD long term, this is not me diagnosing based on what you have been through this is speaking from personal experience.

The biggest thing to keep in mind is you have to try to focus on yourself and getting better for you, never ever do it for another person never focus all your energy on others it just makes things worse.

And you will have to face the eye of the storm before you can start to improve and improvement may not even feel like improvement, if you feel you need help finding a way to start find a good cognitive behavioral therapist one that focuses more on helping you find ways to face your past and the monster inside your head versus just drugging you.

You're making a negative assumption by saying nobody will read this experience. I can understand how one can lose hope through a tough journey. But one thing I don't understand is how someone can be so sure that they'll never find love. You have no idea what the future holds. The opportunities you have are the ones you create for yourself. So if you're choosing to believe you'll never find love or inner peace, then you won't.

An essential step into obtaining someone you truly desire, is believing that you can.

I know it's tough, and I'm here if you need someone to talk to.

Good question. I'm listening if you got a way out.

But let's sit down and talk first. Maybe I might have answers to fix your errors.

So has mine. And I made it to this point.

Quote for you:
Be gentle with yourself.
If you will not be your own unconditional friend, who will be?
If you are playing an opponent and you are also opposing yourself-you are going to be outnumbered. Dan Millman

I'm done getting back up too :'( I lost my everything :'(