My boyfriend used to be wonderful to me. He honestly was like a prince coming to help me up during my dark time.

Over the course of two years, he stopped trying so hard. He is debating whether or not to go to Japan to work for a year and he is very stressed out.

He started to take the stress out on me and our relationship; he would lash out at me and I wouldn't understand it. If I say something that he doesn't want to hear, he will talk over me and yell at me.

He makes plans with me but never remembers them. However, he sees his friends at least once a week and always follows through.

He takes me for granted and I am tired of hurting over it. Granted, I haven't been the best girlfriend; I used to scream at him and hit him; I have since corrected my behavior and I changed for the better. Now, he yells at me and pushes me on the floor when he feels like he can't get through to me.

I haven't told many people about this. One friend that I told really wants me to get out. My family, who only observes how my boyfriend and I act toward each other, tells me that he takes me for granted and I need to stand up for myself.

He knows all of this. He says he will change but he never does. I have invested so much; I don't want to end it.

It's not that I want to,
but I have to.
Because I know that I deserve so much more than this.
tofufingers tofufingers
22-25, F
8 Responses Aug 20, 2014

I read back over it find what is making you stay and all I see is that you feel you have invested a lot in the relationship. I'm sorry if I missed something else more subtle in there...

What I'd like you to ask yourself is how much do you have invested in yourself and what is worth more to you: finding out who you really are as you progress through your early adulthood and becoming able to see the things you want and actually formulate plans to move towards the things you want and / or need to become the person that you would like to be, or would you rather hinder the development of that intuition and teach yourself that people who make you feel taken for granted are worth continuing to invest yourself in?

Every moment that you spend investing in someone who isn't invested in you is one more step away from finding who you are and what you need and one more step towards getting used to feeling unimportant to your partner.

I'd say talk about it with them. If the talk doesn't go well, try again. If he yells at you and puts his hands on you, it is time to leave the relationship as soon as possible because not only are you teaching yourself to put yourself down, you are also teaching him that this type of behavior is acceptable. When you do eventually break apart, there is a very good chance he will walk away thinking you are the problem, he is fine and then inflict the same feelings upon whomever his next partner is eventually.

These are important questions that I must ask myself, so thank you for bringing them to my attention. He was the first person that I ever got to show "the real me". I never felt like I belonged anywhere and he spent over a year consistently trying to show me that it's okay to open up and that he will be there for me. I had a lot of repressed anger and I suffer from fear of abandonment and rejection that I turned inward, so I unleashed a lot of my baggage on him early in the relationship. I really hurt him, but I realized what I was doing and went back to therapy (I have been in therapy on and off my whole life but this was the first time that I seeked help on my own). I haven't worked through many of my issues, but I dealt with my immediate responses to stress and to him - I stopped yelling and throwing things and learned to be more "adult" in these situations (sitting down and talking about it, not letting my emotions escalate to the point that I take them out on him). I went back to turning these emotions inward, but finding a better balance between keeping things to myself if it was not constructive and respectfully letting him know when I have an issue that I need solved by the both of us.
Its funny you write this, because I feel like I trained him to be a **** to me. In a way, I feel like I deserve it because I did the same thing to him before I changed myself. Intellectually, I know that I don't, but emotionally, it doesn't connect like that for me. I think, "Well, if I changed, maybe he can too?" I understand that I'm at that time in my life where metamorphosis is likely to happen and I also know that I only changed because I wanted to; I know that if he doesn't want to change, he won't no matter what my hopes are.

I had the same thoughts as you and stretched my relationship to ten years.when you realize nothing is changing,you have to leave.the longer you wait,the harder it gets.

You need to end it

Reading all these responses makes my heart ache just as much as the situation itself - but it also gives me strength. For several months, I wondered if I was thinking too much and if I was doing the right thing to leave... if it was just me. I told him once that I couldn't take this anymore. He told me, "Leaving me won't solve the problem. The same thing is going to happen in your next relationship."

I now KNOW that the problem is not just in me. I have felt so alone in this so I really appreciate everyone's insight. Thank you so much.

If your looking for love you'll definitely find it elsewhere. This is not love and is not worth it. You deserve to be cherished and appreciated, not this. The next step is the one you take out the door and never looking back. He already knows of what he does to you, but I not determined change not only for you but for you past and future relationship. These are the signs take them cuz it doesn't go anywhere but downhill from here. Don't worry if he starts acting nice to you.., most times the act can only last a few day. This allows you to get comfortable before you are violently knocked off of your pedestal, never to get back up again. Don't waste time take the winning step. Love is nothing like this, it's much more beautiful.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8New International Version (NIV)

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

Thank you for the responses! I am having a hard time walking away. He has become such a big part of my life, but I realize that I should not be feeling like this. I tried to compromise, but I can't do any more if he won't grow with me. I tell myself that I am 20 years old and that many boys like me so I shouldn't be scared of the future without him. But... rationalizing it does nothing. In the end, it will hurt just as much :(

Sadly, yes but remember staying unhappy as you are is no better. Choosing to move on will give you an unknown future but many new possibilities as well. I am sorry. Take care of yourself. HUG

It will hurt, for a short while, then you will wonder why you even stuck it out.

Thanks you guys. The voice telling me to end it is not as loud as the voice telling me that I'll regret. The encouragement really helps <3

I am sorry for your pain. If you wish to try and move on you might have a look at this link.
I am trying to move on and am struggling but I know that I must do this. It just hurts a lot. I know the pain you feel. the fears of what is next. the not knowing what to do.
If ever you wish to talk, I am here.

You do! You absolutely do! :( i know it's hard, trust me, but you need to o before this becomes any worse! Please leave him, if he says he can change and he hasn't already, he never will! There's so many opportunities for happiness out there!! :(