Since I'm going back to college after summer break on Sunday I've been feeling very suicidal. I've struggled with feeling suicidal before but times like these it's constant on my mind. I'm in my 20s going into my senior year and have always hated school. The pain in my heart and struggle just to function at all is so hard that school is nearly impossible. I've been emotionally abused my whole life but in college I'm no longer abused by peers usually. The abuse in general left me with self hatred low self esteem and a detached perspective so i don't fully identify as this person. I find this society and school being a part of it quite abusive and detrimental to the wellbeing of a person. Often to escape the overwhelming pain of it all feeling so wrong I think of killing myself. This makes me feel significantly better. My parents are in their 60s and I'm so sad that they are so old while my peers get to have parents so much longer. My parents are the thing that keeps me from killing myself. After they die I think I probably will kill myself. Even though I don't even fit in really with them I still love them and them me and really don't want to hurt them. And no one else ever loved me. I live each day in despair and horrible fear. The pain in my heart has caused me to stand on the sidelines crying almost every day of my life. I'm so sick of it and just want relief. I have no interest in school or money or playing games that destroy lives and our planet. I want to help this world to heal but I'm so broken I can't even heal myself. So I often just want to give up. Then I hate myself for feeling weak. I may be 22 but I have the capabilities and emotional age of a teenager due to being stunted from struggling to just stay alive and find things to live for. I just don't know what to do or how to move forward. Often I just don't want to move forward at all. And even though I am suicidal I still am terrified of dying a horrible death. One of the reasons I think of suicide is to be able to control my death not die a terrible death like so many. I just feel like God abandoned this world and me and I recall life before here it was so spectacular I know I'd return to that if I killed myself. I know of so many realities and beings and civilizations but humanity is barbaric and destroys themselves and their world.
fallenstar23 fallenstar23
22-25, F
2 Responses Aug 21, 2014

and plus ur parents could live till their 90's so u never know just trying to say

You can do this I no adulthood is scary but we u can do it! We can do it together

How? I have no idea where to start? I'm so sad inside and I don't know how to get a job where I'll just be more emotionally abused.

well u can start by going to a hospital and telling them and thy will help u from there

Pray. The one who created exactly what you are afraid of knows how to help you and get you through it. I always call on Jesus name when I del overwhelmed and every time he is always and already there he's my healer and helper :) message me if u want to talk more about this. Either way I'm praying for u friend and I love u