Will I Ever Stop Feeling This Way?

I am 20 years old and I believe I have been depressed for 3 years. In the last year it has got progressively worse. I've only recently seen a psychiatrist about it. Sometimes the feeling of despair is so consuming and overpowering that it inhibits be from having a positive thought or seeing anything other than pure DARKNESS.

It's hard to describe this feeling, to extract its essence, to detail its effect on me. I want empathy, but where am I going to find an empathiser? I can't even explain it to myself! I have  attempted to tell my mum how this illness is affecting me and although she is extremely supportive and understanding, I don't think she understands its strength and hold over me. I feel an extreme bitterness towards happy, stable, secure people and in moments of desperation I appeal to the world and ask why I have been inflicted with this disease.

I think a big hurdle in my supposed 'road to recovery' is overcoming the belief that it is not an illness that is making me sad but ME! There is no rhyme or reason for my state of constant torment. NOTHING significant has happened to me- my life narrative does not reveal any painful deaths, divorces, broken homes, abuse, self harm, bullying, financial burdens etc. etc. I SHOULD be the epitomy of a normal, happy and healthy person. Instead, I am dying inside ...or perhaps I have been dead for quite some time.

I also believe I suffer from anxiety. I stress about everything! myweight, my lack of direction in life, uni, my inability to form meaningful relationships and most importantly my fear that I will never be at peace with my self and feel a sense of belonging in this world. Its a vicious cycle- my anxiety fuels my depression and my depression triggers my anxiety.

Physically I am here, I am real;but spiritually and mentally I have been lost for a long time. I have a hard time accepting that I feel this way purely because of a chemical imbalance in my brain. I have started taking zoloft but have yet to feel its effects. Does anyone have any advice about what treatment worked best for them? 

muffintop muffintop
22-25, F
4 Responses Mar 2, 2009

Your making **** waaaaay too complex for yourself, you have to simplify things, start a journal write all your thoughts, no matter how illogical or pathetic or embarrasing or whatever JUST DO IT! I know how messed this may sound, but you say you've never experienced pain..... maybe you should, i mean besides torturing yourself with your thoughts, get ****** somehow, workout, push yourself till your vomiting and passing out on the side of the street, go with some buddies and fight them for a loooooong time, after your so damn tired you don't give a crap about anything and all you want to do is sit down, seriously you'll feel like a damn king just sitting down on any piece of crap chair sipping on some crap luke warm water, im telling you u will love it all, remember GOD did not put u on this earth to trip the **** out, and stop taking the ******* meds.

I hope your darkness fades. Please keep us posted on your condition. I would like to know if treatment has worked for you.<br />

I know exactly how you are feeling, am there myself. Wishing it would go away myself. I too blame myself for my feelings because when things are going well I can be so happy but when things get stressful I can be so down. Why do I always fall back to the beginning after I was so good with handling my thoughts and emotions? All I can offer is to hang in there and maybe we can find the help and hope we need real soon!

hang in there- i get depressed too. its a hard road