Abandoned

I've been depressed ever since middle school. Back then it was about self esteem issues and feeling like the black sheep of my family. I wasn't severly depressed then. I still laughed a lot and played with my friends and family. In sixth grade I felt like my mom loved me less than my brother and sister. I started losing my friends and felt like I didn't matter to anyone. So I threatened to kill myself on my 12th birthday, but my teachers got involved and I got sent to a phychiatrist, so I didn't.

By ninth grade my depression got worse. My mom and I constantly fought and I felt ugly and lonely. I started cutting my wrists when I had really bad days partly to see if I mattered to anyone. My mom called a family meeting and told me that no one cared if I cut myself and that if I wasn't happy I could leave. I stayed but said I'd run away over and over again.

Things got progressively worse. Last September my mom beat me after everyone left in the morning and it was just she and I. Long story short my school called Defax and my family was torn apart. She told everyone that I hurt myself. People took sides on who they believed, and everyone took my mom's side who's a lawyer whose job is convincing people except for my dad. I was cut off from everyone I had known from my childhood and my mom said that she would no longer take care of me in any way. 

I had a really close relationship with my brother and sister, but it was ruined after this incident. After everything that happened to me the most hurtful thing was said by my brother who I looked up to. He said that my life was worthless and he doesn't even know what I'm here for. It hurt so much when I was already at a low point.

I now am not on speaking terms with my brother or my mom and am limited on what I talk about with my sister. I can't talk to my dad because he's a really difficult individual. I've lost all of my friends because nobody understands why I am a different person. Basically I have no one and I'm 18 in my senior year.

I was numb to everything all last year. But this year I am feeling everything. I cry myself to sleep almost every night. I have taken up hurting myself again physically to ease some of the emotional pain. I hurt every single second of every single day, and I am too young to feel a pain like this. I should be out with my friends on weekends, but instead I'm always alone. My mom took away everything from me. It hurts so much to see her hug and kiss my brother and sister and walk right past me.

I feel like I don't have anyone who truly cares about me. I have my dad and my piano teacher, but that's all. I can't really confide in them. I need a shoulder to cry on sometimes, but there is never one available for me. I don't laugh anymore. I don't smile anymore. My emotions range from anger to sadness. I don't want to live like this anymore, but there's nothing to do and no one to help me. I'm on my own. I shouldn't be feeling this at such a young age.

 

lonely895 lonely895
18-21
5 Responses Mar 3, 2009

WOW AFTER READING THIS I HAVE LOST SO MUCH FAITH IN HUMANITY, HOLLY CRAP IF EVERY **** WHO WRONGED EVERYONE ON THIS PAGE WERE BESIDE ME I'D BE TEARING MY TEETH INTO THEIR THROATS AND BUT ******* THEIR CORPSES, **** your mother, **** your family. I have to say it's not right to say im too young for this because i honestly don't think it matter what age you are the pain remains unless u do something about it, kids used to have to take care of themselves at 1 digit ages, if they can do it you can too.... I know you might be thinking what the f are you talking about!? But i know cuz i've been going through stupid *** **** and i feel like a puss when i cry and say why..... i want wail myself in the balls and scream MAN UP PUSS! **** man i really feel terrible for you, i say stop cutting yourself and **** and get up go to some martial arts, there can actually be ways of hurting yourself where it's a bit benifical, but can mess u up later in life like kicking your shins in to a tree or bashing your forearms together, turn your anger and your need to hurt yourself into something benefical, PUMP SOME WEIGHTS AND GO WOOP SOME *** AT SOME HARDCORE MARTIAL ARTS PLACE. trust me man you will get soooooo pumped and i think you feel soooo much better. STAY ALIVE BABY I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU XOXOXOXO

Trust in Jesus. He will provide direction for your life.<br />
You are a worthwile person.<br />
Dearly loved and cherished.<br />
Don't ever give up hope.

I am sorry that you have had to endure so much heartache in your life. The world can be so cruelly indifferent. <br />
<br />
I truly believe that it is no reflection on you as a person- you are NOT worthless, you have just been made to feel that way through no fault of your own. You are a blameless victim of abuse. But you are strong because you are still here right? <br />
<br />
The loneliness hurts i know- i often feel completely isolated and unable to form any meaningful relationships. I escape from the world by shutting myself off from everyone and everything. But this is not a solution to the problem. You are not the only one to feel the sting of loneliness.<br />
<br />
I hope there is a light at the end of your tunnel. It is well overdue. You deserve to have things go right for you for a change.

It is never fair when the people we love and trust turn thier backs on us. I was being raped by my step dad when my Mom walked in the room...and calmly walked back out and shut the door. I have never been confident in any relationship since then. People are always making me feel like I have no value. But you do. Seriously, get into some group counsoling...being a parent doesn't mean they are right. You do have something to offer, you do count. Your life is important.

*hugs* No you shouldn't be feeling like this. Everyone has betrayed you. Sometimes we can't please or change people. All we can be is change ourselves. It's hard being let down and your faith in humanity is at a low. Yet you continue to go forward. Your life is wroth living you deserve happiness and peace. You'll almost an adult. Maybe you can change your living situation. Take time out for drive something to clear your head. If your family doesn't want to be there for you it's their lost. If you are feeling lost please seek some help. Rejection is hard especially from family. You been dealt a bad. Get through it and you'll be stronger..