Its 2 am... I'm having flashbacks of her... I'll know I'll never be happy... Not without her...

I'm having flashbacks of how my mother always said I was a mistake... I made mistakes... So its true I'm a mistake...

I'm feeling bad... I can't help people that should be helped... Nor can I just simplely end what sorry excuse I have for a life...

But here I am... Going to try to sleep. Only to wake up in pain like every bloody morning... But that's my life... Cause I'm that mistake that can't make people happy anymore.
lostunit lostunit
31-35, M
7 Responses Aug 21, 2014

Thanks folks. You all have great options and they are all ones I have tried and even been helped with before.

This is a much bigger relapse or whatever you want to call it. Guys don't cry and feel emotional pain for this long, they get up and over it in weeks.

I can't get over the fact that I have allowed myself to be used and abused by people for so long. And losing so many people that I love and care for and about.

Chooses were made and sure I had a impact on them, but no matter if there is light in the room or not I feel I stand alone, I feel I stand alone cause I am alone, there is no one else in that room, there is no one that text or call me anymore to say, hey Adam I miss you buddy let's go do something...

There is no hugs, no kisses, there is no joy, no excitement, no thrill to wake up for. Only a soaked pillow from my tears...

I'm not scared to die... And I'm quite certain I'm already dead, only ice been damned to this world to be used and abused as the worthless no good loser that I am... This is the punishment god has given me for sxrewing up, for all the wrong I have written, and all the right I could have. That's why god hasn't saved me from my nightmares, my pain...

Like the song goes... I'm a loser baby, so why don't you just kill me...

Been there.... Until I chose not to be there anymore. You are who you Think you are... It's all about perception and how you choose to perceive your reality.

My parents labelled me negatively in many ways when I was young. I swallowed it all..... and let those put downs define who I was.

I realized at some point that what others think of me is none of my business and chose to think positively about myself, my worth and what I wanted to become.

I chose to no longer associate much with toxic people and invited new healthy relationships into my world.

Over time my reality ... My world ...became more pleasant and meaningful. Now I look forward to tomorrow .

An Attitude of gratitude helps as well. Be thankful for what you do have. Everyday.

I also volunteer for the Red Cross which gives you opportunities to help others in need across the globe . Giving makes my life richer and more meaningful as well.

Say positive things to yourself everyday. No negatives. Fake it till you make it... And one day soon you will begin to wholeheartedly believe in and love yourself just the way you are:)

You're not a mistake the other peraons actions were, please be strong.

Sometimes helping others can give you that alternative perspective that you are missing. I feel like I can really relate to what you are going through and your situation with your mother feels very familiar to me. Personally, what got me through was taking the initiative into my own hands and actually pursuing things/goals that I thought would lift up my spirits. My goals were simple, learning beginners Italian (I love all things Italian), walking for about an hour everyday for my health and meditating to remove all things negative from my mind. Everyday I thank god for giving me something to be sincerely grateful for (and not in the sarcastic way) it helps me come through that day. And I find that the list is increasing especially since I've started to volunteer.
So essentially, depending on the point of where you are in your journey, you need to either start with a complete break down--> and only then assemble into a brand new you, or pick it up where I did and take the initiative. It's not easy. But it pays back I promise.

I guarantee you that you are important to more people than you know. Our parents have their own set of problems and you could not be a good enough kid to make them whole. You aren't a mistake. People like that (parents, husbands, wives, whatever) look to others for their happiness and when that person doesn't make them happy they blame all their unhappiness on them. Your value isn't determined by anyone but you. You can help yourself now and others later. Do something different tomorrow - even if it's going to a different coffee shop and ordering something different. Change the scenery a little every day. Please don't devalue yourself. You have a purpose that only you can fill.

It's ok to be a mistake or make mistakes . We're all humans, we make mistakes! Just don't care bout what others think of u as, be yourself! Message if help is needed.

I feel the same way :'( why try to help others when I cat even help myself :'(

Got friends and family?

They don't care anymore :'(