Well, I first got depression when i was about 13 or so, maybe before that, and i am now 18, and it went away once or twice, at least it thought it did, and recently i thought i was beating it again, and the happiness i felt, winning this battle, it was untrue, words could not describe it.
Though recently, stuff changed, this year has been a very very tough year on me, with many pets and people dying, college getting tough and wanting to leave, but not being able to find jobs and having to go back to college though, words cannot describe also how bad i do not want to go back, and people being horrible to me, along side a personal problem of mine i do not like talking about too much.
But lately, in the last few weeks, I noticed it was getting worse and worse, and, I've never been suicidal or into self harm, but this year has been so bad, I've actually gone to do it, the amount of times I've been on a road, or held a knife or a tie or a belt, and thought, I could end it all right now, it's stupid, as like i said, before, if you even mentioned the word around me i was repulsed, I've always been so anti this stuff.
Though, like i said, it's been getting too much, I've been arguing with my best friend who I've known all my life, I've had no one to go to, I'm losing friends, college, jobs, this personal issue getting worse alongside my back problems, it's just all too much, but i can't kill myself, because i think, what about my pets, my family, my friends, what about the pain I'd cause them, how could they live every day seeing remnants of me, and be happy? How could i cause them so much pain? I couldn't.
So every single day, every day i leave the house, I pray for an accident, I don't believe in god so i don't know where these prayers go to, but, every single time, I'm just wishing, please, let an accident happen, let it be quick and as painless as possible, don't make me do it, please, I just want to be happy, and this is how.
For the first time this year, I genuinly opened up just a little bit to someone right now, who i know is going through/has gone through what i am, and all i told is, I'm holding on for other people and I'm scared of the day i stop caring if people care, then i started crying, I've not really cried since Edna died, just a little tear here and there, but this was full on crying for about 10 minutes, and, it did help, but not enough where i still don't want to be living.
I just need someone with me, to hug and hold me, listen to me, tell me it will get better, help me through this and find solutions for my issues, I need my rock.
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Aug 22, 2014