Depression Is Normality!

i was raised in a family which was disfunctional. My father was a brute and his legacy of brutality means i have mental scars which cannot be erased. Being depressed has been my normality, my state of mind for as long as i can remember, with breaks of happiness. When i was 14 years of age my sister committed suicide the legacy was too much for her to live with. Two years later my brother died in a motorbike accident, which in itself was questionable. Ive had nothing but doom and gloom in my life. My father died in 2003 and for the first time in my life i am able to tackle the issues of my childhood as i never felt i could tell my story as long as my father was alive.  I want to tell the world what a nasty piece of work he was. But still i feel some hidden loyalty towards his memory. I have never trusted anyone in my life, but then why would i if you cant trust my own father then who can i trust. I am now battling cancer with my brother i am his stem cell donor and i am scared that if this fails i will be so depressed i will not be able to cope. This happened once and i fell apart.   He has now been given the all clear but im so scared for him and for my mental stability that i am constantly anxious and on edge. Life is not easy, and i wonder if it ever will be for me.

thehippy thehippy
41-45, F
9 Responses Mar 3, 2009

yes your right i need to get over him....after all in a way i am still letting him win.

personally i believe that he was aware he was dying and he wanted to put things right before he went incase there was a god, he was repenting his sins if you ask me and i coped the lot, i was his confident.

oh he did that alright and as i was the only one of his kids who stuck by his side and forgave him i was the one he was the most honest to, and there lies another burden he laid on my head.

oh he did that alright and as i was the only one of his kids who stuck by his side and forgave him i was the one he was the most honest to, and there lies another burden he laid on my head.

in a way i want to be able to do this because even from his grave my father is winning. But if im honest i really think he was a victim too, and this is where people lose understanding of me. I know my dads mother treated him the same way if not worse than he treated us...and therefore i cant fully blame him for his wickedness it was indoctrinated... i wish i wasnt so reasonable it would have been easy to call him a waster and move on...but he actually wasnt. He had a reallly nice quality to him too and he did care about me greatly. But then i still wonder if that was all part of his game. I am so confused about him i cant think straight.

awww dont im daft too you'll have me in tears...<br />
my past is best left behind me i should move forward and leave everything i have learned in that department behind me. Problem is its not that simple. Everytime i think of my dead brother or sister i see the cause!...not easy

child abuse is not an easy thing to get over i doubt you ever can really. The people you are supposed to trust and rely on as a child are the ones who have done these things(adults i mean). How can you possibley get over that you just learn to cope with and live with the fact. I worked with several abused children and have seen the mental damage it does. They say show me a child of seven and i will show you the man, its soul destroying stuff. I think you are very brave. I think i suffered child abuse also as my father was not right in the head and it took its toll on us all, so much so that my sister committed suicide. Its a crazy old world we live in and its the people that make it that way. You know how i accept much of what i have been through is to say we are just another animal they can dress us up and teach us to walk and talk but for some those animal instincts are just too strong to programme. Sometimes i feel i am living in the middle of a chimps tea party!...

I think you are strong already by tackling all your problems at this time I was an abursed child, and I had A lot to get over, and still does...<br />
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I know cancer is a great deal to go thru, but be asured everything will be ok..

Got some good news, there has been a new medical discovery, stem calls can be created from skin cells after they are pumped with some sort of genes. I have a father who fed in the head too, and a f'd up familia, you always got to find something that will keep you going, STAY STRONG BABY MWA.