I'm getting worse, I cut last night.
It isn't just the demons in my head anymore, now I have to worry about actual people calling me names.
I always did but now it's worse than before. Before it was dad and my cousin only. Now it's my classmates and dad and cousin. I know I'm worthless and I know I don't deserve love or anything. Everyone lies to me, everyone puts me down, and everyone I love leaves me.
I get yelled at for being depressed, like I can't just switch off my emotions. I can't help it, I can't help the voices or the saddness. I can't help that I hate myself so much that I wish I were just dead already.
I lay in my room crying, whining over and over that "I just want to be dead"; "why can't I just be dead". I just want to die, I want to go to sleep and not wake up.
I keep thinking how life would be so much better if I'd never been born. If I wasn't born, life would be great for everyone who knows me. But I was born and if I die then I can't hurt anyone anymore. I'm not killing myself, I'm too much if a wuss. I just wish I could. It's almost all I think about lately...
Kmarcum99 Kmarcum99
18-21, F
13 Responses Aug 22, 2014

You should tell your counselor at school and if u don't want ur mom to know tell the counselor that u don't want her too know because she would get mad if its after school tell your mom your doing some sort of after school club I too battle and still do battle and I don't wanna go to the. Counselor but I do for about 1 week now she helps me alittle but more each day The are here to listen I recommend you go to one if its during class don't even tell your teacher go during switching if u wanna tell your teacher u can but I didn't I just went so please hun try go to the counselor even if u do have therapist go to the counselor

I don't like my school counselor. I don't trust her. Plus she's leaf ally obligated to tell my parents. If any school official even the counselor things someone is harming or going to harm themselves or others they can not keep it secret. They would be in big trouble. I can just talk to someone. I've tried different people. It doesn't matter what they say to me it never helps.

Trust me it gets better

No one is worthless. If you die in this state of depression you will continue to suffer due to other bad spirits tormenting your soul. Yes, you are not just the body or your mind. Your soul lives on! Please make sincere effort to get out of depression. Try to find out the thoughts that trigger your emotions into feeling very bad. Strictly avoid entertaining those thoughts again. The easiest way is to brush them off with a positive thought.
The opposite of depression is being Positive and Happy. Become happy by always entertaining good, positive thoughts.
Don't worry about your classmates. Your duty is to make your self happy. Start by smiling in the mirror and taking good care of your self. Ignore every bad name that negative people call you. Smile at other good people you meet in your day to day activities; and every time someone smiles back at you, you're on your way to a happier life. Try it. A lot of people don't try this because it sounds so simple, but it works. Everyone is Special and you are too.

Sorry to hear you are hurting, and I'm sorry people have hurt you. Your not the problem they are. They have caused you to think less of yourself. I've been hurt by my love ones as well. If you need to talk I'm here.

Thanks. :)

Everyone's battle with depression is different, but there is help out there for everyone.

Darling, you deserve love and to be loved <3 You are loved by who reads this. Do not die. You have so much to look forward to. One day, as you are older youll look back and say "I Made It!" and youll be so happy that you did! Classmates are butts. But I dont know your age, but if you arent in highschool. IT gets SOO much better in high school. For example, i went from fake friends in my grade to a bunch of REAL friends in other grades. I never want to see you dead, neither does anyone else. I know you can do this. I know "Stay strong" gets annoying but i seriously want you to stay the most positive person you can.

Look a lot of teens battle depressin. But yours is like any other. where is ur mom? and do u feel like ur just getting trampled on by everybody try and get bck up but just get knocked down again?

A lot of teens battle depression. But none of them are the same. Mine isn't like any other. There's no normal for depression. It's all different. We all have different battles and minds.

ik

Honey this body of ours is a gift from nature or higher power or God it is beautiful it has its worth sweetie it deserves to be treated with dignity just like you as a person deserves to be treated with utmost respect and dignity . Sweetheart others will only respect us if we respect and care for ourselves . You are very precious and important as a person and a human being you wanna give yourself respect n protection so that you can demand it from others sweetie it will begin from home honey it will begin from you sweetie preserve your beautiful being you will definitely feel better you are not less than anyone trust me !! <3

Thank you. :)

You are very welcome please believe that good time will come and dont let go of hope

Please talk to someone. I have been there. It is so hard. I thought about suicide more than once during my teen years, but I was a coward. I am all grown up with a good life helping others. Please talk.... I will listen.

I have a therapist. Just the times I don't see her are bad. Talking doesn't help me.:/

what are these demons you talk about?

Everything. The depression. The voices in my head. It's my voice but I have no control over it. It's what I see in the mirror and what I think if myself. My demons are all the bad.

What don't you like about yourself?

A shorter list would be what I like, which consists of one word: nothing.

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Most self-harm resources will have this old classic: “whenever you feel like cutting, write on your body the name of someone who wouldn’t want you to cut!” This is great for people who have trouble remembering that people love them, but this sort of advice won’t help people who have more of a problem with guilt.

To me, remembering the people who don’t want me to cut, while a valid exercise, can often make me feel guilty and like I don’t have a right to be sad or depressed when I have all these people who care about me, leading me to invalidate my own feelings and make me feel worse.

If you are like me, here are some strategies that you could use instead:

1. Exercise. I hate to exercise, and if I really want to torture myself, this is how I do it.
2. Create some sort of artwork, from a drawing to a poem to a song. Whatever you want. It will get your mind off of whatever else you are thinking about, particularly if you take on a challenge.
3. Make yourself up/put on your favorite clothes so you are enhancing your body instead of harming it. If you feel really fabulous, go out so people can see you looking awesome.
4. Listen to really loud music.
5. Take a really cold shower. Won’t damage you, but will certainly feel like it.
6. Buy dishes from the dollar store specifically so you can break them.

For the record, these strategies focus on safe forms of violence and helping you to think other things, which are what I find work best for me. :)

I'll definitely try these. And I feel the same way with thinking about the people that love me. Thank you, I really appreciate this.:)

Talk to your counselor at school or the principle ... You need to seek help. And they will provide that for you. Especially if your parents are not hearing you out. I'm not sure if you told your parents but maybe you should talk to them as well. Life is hard... And I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this. Talking to someone helps a lot.

I have a therapist, I talk to her but it does nothing. And I don't trust any one at school even the guidance counselor. My mom would yell at me if I told her, then act very over protective for a week but then act like it never happened.

The moment you feel like giving up, remember all the reasons why you've held on for so long.

put the razor's down you're better than that. I struggled with depression, self-harm and suicidal thoughts since age 12, I was in and out of hospitals, ICU, and Asylums. Last year was my last time ever cutting it's been a year since I last put a razor to my skin. You are strong you will get through this if not today then someday it takes time and a lot of willpower. You will overcome this because I believe that you are a fighter and I have faith in you. As for those who call you name's perhaps you can tell them how much their name calling hurts you. Tell them that you understand that they may not like you and that is fine but the name calling is unnecessary and it has to stop if they don't stop involve your parents and the headmaster don't let them win fight back. If you have suicidal thoughts perhaps you should talk to your parents or guardian about seeking help? It was hard for me but I did it, I was so anxious and shaky but after I talked to my doctor I felt relieved.

I have a therapist.
And I try too tell them to stop, but I don't talk, I'm socially anxious. I can't talk to people. My mom knows about it all. But hasn't done anything. It isn't too bad at school. It's mostly my family that does it. And I get yelled at for telling them to stop. So I just sit and take it.

Thank you for believing in me, I don't even believe in me. I want to stop but I don't at the same time. I told my sister I cut and she didn't care, she's the one that yells at me for being sad. I hide my cuts from my mom because she'll yell at me. If I thought she'd be supportive then I'd tell her. But she talks bad about cutters. She thinks it's stupid to cut.

Thank you for all of this, really. Thank you. :)

my family was like that as well I would take their negative criticism and listen to their foolish ramblings of how suicidal, depressed, people with eating disorders and self-harmers aren't really unstable they just do it out of attention. But one day I got sick of it and I showed them my cuts, and they stopped. But I don't tell them I am depressed any more because when I tried as my doctor instructed they laughed then asked me what am I depressed for and then they said what I hate the most "you have no reason to be depressed" which is complete bull crap. I have social anxiety as well I always have my aunt order things if it's online I am fine if it's over the phone I forget my words. I don't even like talking to my doctor really I have a heard time opening up to anyone. Maybe talking to a teacher or a counsellor at your school can help you?

It's horrible that some families are like that, mine are a lot like yours. They just don't understand I guess. I'm a lot like you've said you are.

And I don't trust people at school, at all. I don't like them.they make me uneasy.

ah fair enough

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Aw hun I'm sorry you feel bad. What names do they call you ?

It's mostly just worthless and fat. But I also get ugly, waste of air, they say my hair is nasty, *****, gross, weird, then some times people talk about my clothes once my cousin told me that it looked like my clothes were made by sharpie and looked retarded...
I also get a lot of unique comments about me. It's mostly just worthless.

sounds like your cousin is just envious, sometimes people will notice how confident you're becoming and they don't like that so they have to take away that confidence and acceptance that you're not perfect and you have flaws and that is okay because no one's perfect we all have flaws there is something wrong with everyone in this world. They're miserable so they want to make you miserable after all misery loves company but you cannot give them the satisfaction of knowing they've gotten the best of you. In a sick and twisted way some people get a natural high a pleasure from seeing others vulnerable. Usually bullies are people who are getting bullied in their home or they're having a horrible time at accepting themselves as well as their life so they try to make others feel just as small and low as they are which is sad and pathetic but it is true.

I understand. but my cousin is in his late 20s and has children and a wife. He isn't envious.
My family say it's how he shows he love me, but I don't agree. I feel like I did something wrong and I'm paying for it now.

doesn't mean he's happy sometimes people are just as sad we are but they're better at putting on front so they throw off their sadness by pointing out someone else's insecurities and making them feel worthless. He's in his late 20s you say? Well he has a lot of maturing to do picking on someone younger than him. Picking on someone isn't a good way of showing them you care. Letting them know that you love them and you're always here to support and encourage them is a way of showing that you care. Pointing out someone's flaws isn't showing you care.

That's terrible. You seem like a really sweet person. I hate this is happening to you. No one should be made to feel worthless.

Thank you. :)

You're welcome. Hit me up anytime you want to talk 😀

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