Why do people tell me to cheer up? Like I can just blink my eyes and pray to cure my depression. I can't that just wish away being raped, can I? I tried, I honestly did.
Look where it got me. Nothing can change that now.

I've accepted that I am beyond change. I'll live my life alone, try to make it through the day, cut myself when I need to bounce back, rinse and repeat. I've done this for nearly 5 years now,it's become my way of living.

And, speaking of my rape. You know what really sucks? Being a male rape victim. You get laughed at and mocked ruthlessly. Why? because i'm supposed to be a macho man and shrug it off? It hurt, it hurt a lot. I could barely walk for a few days and I do not like anyone near me anymore. I don't care what reason anyone has. You touch me for any reason, I will hurt you. I cut myself to escape the memories from the night.

That's what got a lot of attention, I cut. I do it almost daily. It makes me feel like a person, like I did before the abuse and the rape at the hands of my peers. What can I say? It's a bad habit? Maybe so but so is smoking, drinking, eating too much, eating too less. Everyone chooses their poison. And they all leave their marks.

Why do I bother typing this? I will be forgotten when i'm gone, and don't bullshit me and say you will remember me. A pal I knew also used this site to treat his depression. He had a lot of people tell him that and when he killed himself, everyone forgot about him. As they should.

Why so cruel about that? I feel bad enough as it is. You know what makes it worse? Depressing other people. It's not your fault, why should you feel bad because I thought I could escape my abuse and it got my innocence taken? I don't want a soul to hurt for me because it's not your problem. It's not like you were there.

Why do people offer fake pity? Why act like you care when you don't? Everyone's the same. They say they're there for you, you start to warm up and they leave as everyone else in my life has.

I find it funny people used to mock me for my pain then when I start cutting, they care. Go ahead, it's funny right? An boy who was abused and beaten at home tries to find joy in his life and lets his friends take to a wild party at some stranger's big fancy house. They offer him some punch, it's drugged and he gets raped. He tries to get help but is too prideful and scared to show his face, so he gets mocked and taunted. He resorts to cutting to keep his humanity and has been doing so for 5 years. Now, he lives alone buying material possessions to justify his life and show he's not a waste of space. Yep, perfect comedy material right there.

I vent to release my thoughts. Making dark humor keeps me calm. Kinda pathetic when you resort to making remarks about your own life isn't it? Rude humor aside, nobody online cares about me. My own family doesn't, why would strangers? And if you say you do care about me, that you truly do. Believe me, you're the only one.
deleted deleted
26-30
1 Response Aug 23, 2014

I think people say "cheer up" because they just don't understand. They probably are trying to help but don't know how.
I think that everyone has an effect on other people. Even though I don't know anyone on here, what I read effects my image of myself. I am reminded that I am not alone. I'm not the only one suffering, it helps me a little I guess.
The only advice I can give you is to maybe see about seeing a therapist. Maybe you have already tried. You may be able to find a therapist who you trust who can help with your pain.
I'm also sorry you have gone through so much pain. I can't understand exactly what you are going through. I too have depression, self harm and was raped (anally, so I know some of the pain. Not being able to walk right). I also attempted suicide. I wanted to get rid of my mental pain. But I know now (even though every once and a while I am suicidal) that suicide really does nothing good. I hurt a lot if people and lost their trust.

I just hope you will stay safe and keep reaching out, be it through EP or with a therapist. Oh and sorry for the really long comment.

Hmmm. My mom basically told me to cheer up. She seems like she is waiting for me to get over it ASAP. It really sucks.

But yah, it sucks. People are stupid and don't understand.