Fear of Everyone - People, Night, Girls

I am suffering with social anxiety since last 3 years. I successfully did 3rd year of my college, then I nearly bunked my whole final 4th year of college and now i just sit in house and hang on internet whole day. I don't even speak with my neighbors. For hair cutting i go to a far saloon which is half an hour cycle riding rather than the one which is near my house. I don't even go to the terrace in the day thinking that people will see me. I haven't opened my room's windows since last year November fearing neighbors will see me. Even i had fixed small small gaps between windows so that light even don't enter my room.

I knew why i have become like this. Its because I am ugly. I was very happy till I was in 12th class 7 years ago. I never cared about my looks and then I fell in love with a girl. She was my good friend. I never had any courage to propose her, but I think she knew about my intention from her friends whom I told everything. And then she started to avoid me. That was the first time i realized the importance of looks and my happiness graph started to fall from then.

From somewhere a feeling entered in me that people avoid me when i go to them. Many of them judge me even before knowing me.

I partially remember few things of my childhood when I was 5 years old. I remember i was playing with my class friends in school and it was an jump and break type accident unfortunately and unintentionally happened by me in which a guy got badly hurt. And all the girls of the class they were looking at me as if i was a monster. I still remember the words one girl said, as if its buzzing in my ear now.. "Bahut ganda ladka hai".. Means he is very dirty boy.

Then after few years my father got posted in new area. I admitted to new school. My parents always believed that a child must learn things himself and that is where they made the mistake. Dad never cared about me. All of the school going kids were alloted a bus pass but my dad was so busy with his work that he didn't had time to make me a buss pass. So i walked alone 3 KM to school everyday on a dead airforce runway. I was 8 years old then. One day when I was going to school walking in a deep day dreaming state and a school bus filled with school kids including some of my classmates also came from nowhere and stopped in front of me. I was clueless as what happened and I said "No sir i don't go in bus". And then the driver lashed at me so hard and scolded me very bad in front of everybody and i remember every singe soul was peeking out of the bus window at me. He said he will make me naked and beat me to hell. That 8 year old kid terrified and still clueless about what actually happened. And then he went on. I was shaking with fear. i sat there at the runaway for few mintues thinking what actually happened. Then I realized that I was walking a little bit inside the way. That dead runway was very very wide and there was no way I was blocking that driver's path. But then also he lashed out at me. A fear started to grow inside me from that day. I was terrified to go to school from then.

Then i admitted in a new school and this time there was a Sanskrit teacher who really beat me like a dog in front of whole class. He beat me with stick, scale, duster, slapped, punch on  spine. I don't remember any class in which I wasn't victim.

5 years ago i was wrongly accused by a bunch of girls for leaking out their private moments with their boyfriends ,one of who was unfortunately my roommate. All of the girls came to my hostel and scolded me badly and none of my friend defended me against this. I remember i was so angry that i broke the bed leg, banged the door and ran away from my hostel in that winter night of December and cried, slept in a bus stand. A nice police constable patrolling there condoled me and sent me hostel back. Later when the girls knew about the real culprit who did that, none of them came to apologize. Instead one of the girl said her bf to say me sorry for her. Whenever i remember that incident an anger runs through my spine, and I wish i could murder each and every character involved in that incident.

Despite all this I always was a helpful guy and I have counted compliments from at least 10 different people that 'I am the honest person they have ever met'.

I always was good at studies but now I don't even remember simple sql statements in which i have coded thousand times. I think i have started forgetting things. I don't even remember C syntax also. I have developed many application in my college days but now i feel dumb in C. I first time did computer programming when i was 12 years old but now my mind is numb. I can create logic easily but i don't remember any syntax and I need to check the reference every now and then. I feel like getting insane.

I am scared of doing job also. Last month under pressure from my mom I gave an exam for a job in MNC. I cleared exam, then cleared GD round also. They called me for interview. I was so scared of appearing in interview that i booked my flight return ticket the very same day and returned home without attending it. While 3 years ago i cracked my first interview very easily and confidently, but this time i felt like I am hollow inside. I am becoming mad day by day.

I had an athletic body, I was a good batsman, I loved playing badminton, swimming, I remember i used to play basketball on school exam days also,  but now I am a dumb fat, rotten fruit with hell lot of disease developing inside me.

I am scared of everyone. I don't even sleep at night or dark as i feel like someone will kill me, or the ceiling fan will fall on my head. Only time of in a 24 hour time period is which i fell relief and happy is 3:30 AM. I feel like lot of hope in that time. I go to terrace at that time. I do not fear dark also at 3:30 coz I know whatever happen it will be light after half an hour. I wake up almost every night to live a life at 3:30 AM. I feel safe sleeping at day time. Well i know this is all crazy.

Only person with whom I feel secure is my sister. I myself don't believe that I almost become Mr. Bean and behave so funny and full of humor when I am with her but with all other people in this world I feel like a horror story.

sarkarg sarkarg
2 Responses Mar 7, 2009

tell me about it, why are you so hung up on the past? find a good doctor to help you get over it and let it all go. You don't need to hash on what you can't change, only now is the thing you could make great.

Dear Sarkarg,<br />
<br />
You have been through some horrible experiences and it is no wonder you feel depressed. I don't know where you are - I'm in the USA - but I strongly advise you to try to find some therapy. There is a lot of anger and pain inside of you and that is what will continue to hold you back unless you can let some of it out.....<br />
<br />
It is not simple, I know that, and not easy. But I do hope you find some help.<br />
<br />
I also hope you keep trying to share & connect with others on here. I remember feeling that same feeling - not wanting people to see me, only comfortable in the dark of night. I used alcohol and drugs to help me try to hide from everything. Of course eventually that backfired on me.<br />
<br />
I had a baby that died prematurely, I have been a victim of rape, I lost my only brother who was like your sister is to you. And there's a lot more. I'm not ugly on the outside but I felt like it on the inside, which is what counts. After years on & off of therapy and groups I am much, much better, though I still take medication.