I Wish There Was At Least a Light Switch In This Pit
January 24, 2007
I’ve ached so deeply for so long, it seems the pain has become a part of my very being. I sound like a broken record to my own self. It seems like I’ve been in the same pain my entire life. For SEVERAL years, now, I’ve been trying so hard to move past it; to deal with everything the best way that I know how. But, time and time again, it’s proven to me that whatever I’m doing isn’t good enough. Maybe it was good enough for a while but….DAMN! I need to find some new methods! I feel like my insides are just FULL of garbage and rotting sadness. Lord help me if I don’t figure out how to heal!
I know people love me. But, no love is ever good enough… I’ve been wasting my whole life trying to replace the love and acceptance I NEVER got from my father. Two years away from 40, I’m seriously beginning to wonder if I’ll ever get over that.
Nicky (like most of the men I’ve dealt with and/or loved) is a way for me to continue avoiding my pain….to keep adding to it. I’m the one who’s doing this to myself and I know it. I’m holding onto him with everything I’ve got. He’s the last little string that’s binding me to my own self-avoidance and destruction. I know that, too. But, knowing it doesn’t make it any easier to deal with. Of course, he’s not JUST that to me. I very much enjoy him. But, to tell the truth, I don’t ever get that much of him. It’s been a great exercise, learning to accept him where he’s at. It’s been great getting to know what it feels like to deal with a man that I can’t manipulate. But, I’ve known all along that there’s likely no hope for me to ever have a future with him (for a multitude of reasons.) But, I’ve seriously grown to covet his friendship. I probably wouldn’t be bothering him so much if there was anything else going on in my life. But, there’s literally nothing; nothing that I’m very interested in, anyway. I’m always broke. I wouldn’t mind going out to listen to some music from time to time but I have no friends or money. It’s not that I have a problem getting “dates,” but I’ve just never really been one to date…in the traditional way. It’s such a waste of energy. Half the time, what you see when you start dating someone is NOT what you get. People have an ENORMOUSLY hard time opening up and trusting each other.
I need to just be quiet. I’m always complaining about how EVERYONE else does that ****. But, how the **** do I keep winding up in the position I’m in??? Why in the **** am I only attracted to men who will perpetuate the role my father has (always) played in my life?? Over and over again, I repeat the drama…over and over again, I wind up with a man that I end up having to try to convince that I’m good enough to accept and love. Over and over again, I create this scenario where men are telling me they can’t handle me; that I evoke such a strong response in them they are intimidated by me. Over and over, the cycle repeats itself. And, as ******* INTELLIGENT as I am, I can’t seem to ******* figure out how to end that cycle!!! Lord KNOWS I’m tired of it. I WANT TO SHARE MY LIFE WITH SOMEONE. I WANT TO BE LOVED AND ACCEPTED AS I AM. I WANT TO POUR ALL THIS ******* LOVE I HAVE ALL OVER SOMEONE!!!
But, there’s nothing but emptiness. I’m trying to be positive and strong. If only I didn’t have to crawl in that bed alone and cry myself to sleep…if only there was someone (that I actually liked and respected) to sit on the edge of my bed, look me in the eye, kiss me on the forehead and let me cry on their shoulder….without feeling like they had to say anything to fix my problems or me….if only there was someone who could just come into this pit WITH me….sit in it with me, just for a little while…..