Sometimes There Is No Solution.

I am a 50 year old woman.  I have been lonely my entire life and depressed as long as I can remember. I believe that in my case, having been very overprotected and quite voiceless as a child, my enforced loneliness led to the depression, rather than the other way round. Depression does run in the family. I have been on numerous meds, been in therapy, and sought help. I have been there and done that.  I remember as a child wishing I had never been born. That thought has never been far from my mind. I was married for a short time and have had a few other relationships, none of which lasted more than 3 years. Yes, I am and have always been fat and unattractive. Yes, I have lost and gained that same 75 lbs. several times. I have joined clubs, volunteered for years and years, earned a BA and graduate degree, worked many hours overtime, been involved on boards of directors, and done all that sort of stuff they say to do to help overcome depression and loneliness. Still, I suffer from depression. Still, I suffer with the pain.

I read the stories and experiences posted here and on other sites. Most are from people much younger than myself and those who have support from family, friends, and others. I have one friend and few family. I am unable to talk to anyone anymore. I can no longer inflict myself on other people. No matter how close they are and say they care, even they do not want to hear that I am lonely and depressed anymore after years of hearing it. To them, and any "normal" person, I am a broken record.

Those of you that have family, a spouse, or any person willing to stand by them are lucky. I have difficulty understanding your situations. Next time you think how down you are, please try to stop yourself and realize how incredible lucky you are to have that support and realize how things could be if no one was there  - no family, no spouse, no significant other. Think about how different things would be if you were truly obese, unattractive, disabled, autistic, or otherwise challenged and society shuns you. 

Sometimes, a cigar is just a cigar, as they say. Sometimes, there is no solution for someone. Sometimes, the illness is not curable or manageable. Please understand, I am not thinking I am worse off than anyone else here. When you suffer from depression, only those that are in the same boat can truly understand. I do understand.

I am just tired of the Pollyanna responses I see that essentially tell people to cheer up and give hugs, and make the same suggestions most of us have heard a million times before. We are responsible for ourselves. No one can make us change, be they spiritual or human. Change or getting better has to come from within.

My point to all this is that sometimes, just sometimes, there is no magic bullet, medication, therapy, or club that's going to change things. Sometimes, treatment does not and will not help. Sometimes the pain will be too great to bear and it is not a weakness to want it to end, one way or another. Sometimes, suicide is the right and only answer. Not everyone who suffers from depression has an unclear mind. When you have tried everything, sometimes there is nothing else left to try. Sometimes there is no answer.


hepzibah hepzibah
5 Responses Mar 8, 2009

I hear what you are saying. There are unique problems in life (or maybe mental conditions) where this is no solution. It's bleak, and it's terrible to try to live through.

I am not fat or unattractive or alone yet i feel so very depressed all the time and then i have manic episodes of happiness where people want to take what im taking to feel like that and then im smack back where i started. anti depressants dont help and when you try to get off them they start zapping youre brain as if to say where do you think you're going, im tired of all the bullshit about positive thinking and sharing because positive thinking can be a very dangerous thing that sets you up for failure and sharing? give me a break...underneath youre guises of compassion i can see right through your exploitative self interests whether you call yourself mum or best friend to me. The truth is you are alone and if you take your own life then theres one less ******* in this world to worry about. We are a plague, a disiease of our own minds, a faulty product of our own sociobiological evolution. sure there are days when you feel that yes it is worth living only because you have so much bad **** in your life to cross reference it with. wanna take your own life? go ahead do it...if you have the balls..i dont and that makes me feel even more depressed and trapped....

i may be much younger but the pain of loness and isolation is always there. I used to keep myself so busy doing everything and anything to distact me. But once alone with nothing to do i find myself upset thinking whats the point. I'm just finished collage and work in a job in dislike, where no one knows anyone, and when then home where there is no one to talk to. I have no frends as such. As for family that is no help. Our family dont share trouble, its tabu any emotions is a sign of weekness. I have not seen or talked to anyone in weeks and feeling if i vanish tomorow no-one would know the differance. But lisioning to storys like your says that im not along feeling this way. I hope that you find happness that is all i could wish for. All that keeps me going is these bref little joys. And with thes joys in mind i get up and try again. But each time is a little harder.

I hear ya, I'm that person living that life x

I understand. I've battled depression pretty much my entire life as well. I spent my bedtime prayers in my childhood praying to die in the night. I am in my 40's and still dealing with this condition. And it very nearly killed me this past winter.<br />
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I won't offer quick fixes or pollyanna advice, because I know what you are up against. You sound a lot like me, in spite of the pain and difficulty, hanging in there, working, being part of the community, etc.<br />
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It is really unfair that doing the right things often doesn't fix it. There are the blues...then there is clinical depression, not the same animal. What works for the blues doesn't touch clinical depression, when your body works against you, and wont let you feel joy at all..not from memories, from pleasant activity or hope for the future, it chemically steals your ability to experience that satisfaction that gets pumped through a normal healthy body.<br />
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You are clearly a fighter who is really having a bad down and out time right now. If communicating with someone who knows what you are going through and isn't interested in talking you out of your feelings (though I do hope you can hang in and not follow through on suicide) might be a relief...I'm your girl!