Yet again I'm feeling like the fight isn't worth it. I was in a bad state when I found this site a month ago. But I received much encouragement and a spark of renewed hope began to glow. I tried to encourage others with that hope. I read things to give me more hope and started to get somewhat better.

But I've been sick in bed for almost two weeks. And that has knocked me down more than physically. It's blowing out my progress. The fragile flame I found.

God told me today that when He takes me to a place where there's nothing left the only thing left is Him. And I thought...He is everything. But I feel so empty. You'd think I'd find hope in that but I can't somehow.

Suicide is a plague on this nation. Am I strong enough to not become a statistic? I tried to encourage many here not to take that way out but right now it calls to me with a seductive voice to end the suffering. I understand why ppl find it so alluring. The promise of no more pain. But the act itself isn't painless. There is no way to painlessly exit by your own hand. None. And the wake it leaves behind is hell for those who loved you.

So I sit here pondering what the one Who created me had to say. Can I let Him become everything to me since nothing is left?
Ludavin Ludavin
51-55, F
7 Responses Aug 31, 2014

I feel ya, I've been sick for over two weeks and am now recovering from hand, foot, and mouth disease.
Been very, very low the last few weeks.
Surrendering to God for your peace and happiness is not easy, but if you truly believe he can help, then do it.

hi there ludavin I have been there and me tried 2 times to end my live but just think it his not wouth it thing about your love ones and your fwiends me his sorry me can not spell too good but please do not do anything silly if you would like to chat friend me his always on line baby michael

hi there ludavin me has been battling amxeity and depression now for over 45 years and me still his now me his adultbaby 247 it has help me a very lot fwiend baby glencoe2

You are strong enough to not become a statistic.
You are submitting to His will at this very moment.
You are meant to mark our words and accept our help.
Let Him become your heart, your mind, and your soul.
Open yourself to Him, and embrace your brothers and sisters as the body.

Sometimes I can't trust Him. He speaks to me so many things. I talk to Him. But I don't think I fully surrendered. Probably the reason for what He said today.

Hun I don't want to sound like a broken record. I went through this for the last fifteen years. I lost myself and that's why my user name was fifteen years lost. I changed it yesterday to found's in spanish I meant to just go with found but oh well.

How did you find yourself? That's where I've been for so long too. I can't seem to break free into 'my own' I want to be happy and be me.

I found myself by excepting me for me. I noticed that I couldn't change anybody but myself. Changing yourself is the biggest achievement one can ever obtain.

Yes you are more than strong to win that fight, focus now in getting out of that bed, I hope you get well soon, because the fight continues and you'll need all your health to keep standing..
bad things often look easy, seductive and interesting from the distance but once you are close they show how bad they are, try to ignore those thoughts, there is no such thing as a painless and easy exit. life is not easy and thats what makes life interesting

Thank you. You're right. I let the pain come back and lie to me. It's just hard to get out of its grasp.

As you know I feel the same way. But you held on this long? Think of how your kids would feel. They need you. You can manage.

I know. I hang on for their sake. But it's so hard. The pain inside is taking it's revenge. Like it's saying how dare you try to get rid of me

Yup, I know the feeling... I don't know why I hold on... I think its mostly cause I can't build up the will power to beat my nerves and thrust a knife dead in me... Its not the pain... Its the blood, every time I think of it I want to throw up... And I don't understand it. I've seen death and blood before, so why would I feel sick of just thinking about the act...

You have love ones thou. You need to find a means to keep them safe and happy.

Were you in the military or something? To see death?

The pain inside is crushing. I can't believe how it wipes out the good I've tried to cultivate over the past month. Why? It's almost worse having found hope only to lose it like this. I feel alone. I want to cry and the tears won't even come.

Second Lt. In CDN armed forces. Was what I was...

I want to cry too... But my eyes hurt so much they almost feel dry...

Yeah hope... Had that blindingly for a yr and a half when people said they cared... But discarded me cause of lies and rumors...

I was in the navy years ago. Cryptologic tech.

I guess if there was hope, there's hope for hope. If it was there it can come back. I just feel crushed.

You know the truth. If they believed the lies them they didn't know you. That's pitiful on their part. I'm sorry that happened to you.

They knew me enough to create them.

Its all good. You got family, there's hope in bringing them closer!

Oh jeez. They weren't friends after all. I'm sorry.

Have you had counseling for post traumatic stress? If you saw all that I'm sure it gave you that.

For the armed conflict went thru a few weeks than.

For the use and abuse, nah. That is what it is. Going to see someone I have to pay to talk to me. Blah forget it. And if this does kill me. Society is to blame for us to hurt. Not us. We try to cope with it, but fail.

I don't know if society is to blame. It's just life. It's cruel sometimes. Evils in this world. It's too much sometimes. Ppl have the choice to do good or evil. It's so messed up tho. I know what you mean.

On the other hand I know we have a choice on how to react. The evils done to me in childhood are unspeakable. How a man can do it is beyond me. But I can choose to better myself or be his prisoner still. I just can't figure out how.

Coupled with my own mistakes in life it's a crushing weight to bear too. Life just sux again for now. Pain wins for now. And we hurt bad.

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