This War Is Never Ending . Is This Who I Am? Is she tracing my footsteps?

I found out at age 12 what chains bipolar manic depressive  people wrap around their souls.

 I even at such a young age tried several times to attempt suicide. My world was messy, I had no belonging. My family was the most disfunctional family one could ever imagine. 

   For several years I became the problem child always strung out on prozac, or zoloft, a little bit of paxil. Or maybe lexapro will fix her. Doctors never really got to the bottom of things. In my point of view all they ever wanted was a quick fix and for me to go on living in the numbest state of mind possible. Perhaps that would solve all the heartach in the world. 

     I began useing street drugs at an early age to escape the side effects of medication and to find me. That which I believe I never really did. But thats not the topic here... we can get to that later.

At 15 I managed to get threw the system, having had lived threw almost every foster home in my county. I began to experience a confusion about not only who I was but my sexuality. I thought perhaps since men had always hurt me, and I cringed to the thought of one touching me I was gay! That faded quickly once I came down from my high. How could I ever feel protected in a womans arms?

       I was still on a path of distruction. 2 mo after my sweet 16 I met a man who not only knew my world but shared my numbness. He and I later on that year found out we were pregnant . At that time I was taking zoloft for  my depression and paxil for my panic attacks. I didnt want a child nor did I want to be in this numb world forever. I cleaned up my act and took myself off medication. Thinking I could ride out my mood swings and manage.

 
     Boy was I wrong. A mo after I had my daughter. I sat beside her crib listening to her scream terrible cries out. I didnt dare pick her up. I sat there wondering where it was once again I belonged. Little did I know she being a helpless little  infant was probobly wondering the same thing, all she wanted was held and loved.

That in which I didnt know how to give!

   I fought baby blues for days starving myself,not showering moving nor taking care of my own child relying on family. Someone called the dr. Once again I found myself on medication.

Here I am 11 years after looking down into that crib wondering what my place was in life. Ive had 3 more children since then. Ive mannaged to get married to the man I had those children with and divorce. I still have no idea where I belong. Was I put here to be a mother? Is that my only purpose? Why is it I only find myself in relationships where all I do is give? Am I unloveable? Do I not have a place in life?

   I have been off medication now for 3 years . Ive learned to fake smiles even when I am at my low. And to act as if I am strong even when I am weak. Even when I panic and cant breathe ! I never or should I say saldom let my children see me cry. What kind of mother cries? I am their rock and their rock I will continue to be. I will not allow a chemical imbalance to interfear!

My soon to be 11 year old daughter shows alot of signs of being manic. My worst fear is that she will follow my every footsteps. I am not sure what to do and how to help her. I feel so responcible!

In order to win this war I need to make sure she finds herself before shes the 28 year old lost soul sitting behind a screen pouring her heart out like this. Any advice? Id appriciate it more than you know!

 sincearly a manic mother

hunny28 hunny28
26-30, F
1 Response Aug 15, 2007

Hi,<br />
It looks like you are a surviver, bigtime.<br />
you accomplished alot and raising kids, that's wonderful.<br />
I have a bit of the same back ground as you, I have horrible moodswings. Mostly depression and then once or twice a year I go on a manic stage, in between is only some time where I feel myself.<br />
I also have children. 4, I had the worst ppdepression after my last child. I was not allowed to be with my kids alone for almost 6 month. I was hospotalized during that time. I do have a husband of 10 years who is very supportive.<br />
After staying home with the children for seven years I went back to school.<br />
I don't know what my real calling is. but currently I work with the mentally ill population and that's in the area of my study.<br />
since I could not change my chemical imbalance, I decided to study everything about it to know as much about it as possible. I am on meds and I feel my mood swings less. However If I do not have a goal, school, exericse or save money from work to buy something I really want. I get very depressed. <br />
for me setting goals keeps me busy and a purpose to get up in the morning.<br />
I hope you are feeling better today. Keep up the fight.