Let's talk about suicide. I know, something everyone knows about but nobody will have a real discussion about it. But I want to talk about me as I have had depression for years now.

Before you all spam the "Don't do it! It's not the answer" bullshit to make you think you did something, don't. I'm not gonna kill myself. You don't have to worry about that. But why do you do that?

You think a mere comment on the internet would stop someone bent on death? No. It won't. You know what does? Treating them like a normal human being. I didn't choose depression nor cutting. They chose me. Talking to me like i'm ill or inferior irritates the hell out of me. Don't treat me like a thing, i'm a person. My abusive past, my rape, and the scars on my wrists took a lot from me. But they can't take that away.

Now, I live alone by choice. I am not around a lot people because I get very tense when I am. "Why are they looking at me? What did I do? God, they notice my scars? They're judging me-", it goes on and on. I have no relations outside. I actually get a check for being the paranoid monster I am.

It doesn't sound like a life that you'd want to live. So why do I live? I'm not gonna lie and say it never occurred to me. I'd be free of pain and i'd get back at my family for the hell they gave me. Compared to them, all my suffering would be gone in an instant.

So why didn't I? Well, to be honest, I can't fully answer that. I can relate to when I was a child. My father shot my pet cat. It was with a .22 and that bullet is very small and very hard to hit vital organs with. So I got home from school and there it was, laying there bleeding to death. I tried to touch it and it started twitching out of shock. I watched it take it's last breath. It was just a cat. It had no real purpose in this world. But it still lived. It didn't think about tomorrow, it didn't stop and worry, it lived. So I want to live. I don't want to kill myself because I want to live.

Who knows, maybe my heart will give out tomorrow and i'll die or one day I'll be able to live with my depression and maybe conquer my social fear. Maybe i'll make something of myself or die a nobody, who knows? But if I killed myself, it would be decided. I want to see the mystery of this world.
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2 Responses Sep 2, 2014

Was/am suicidal too and The curiosity of what might happen was One of The reasons I am still here. I can relate.

Well ******* spoken!!! Thank you!!! I'm in the process of conquering my social phobia, not easy, but I'm winning, and you know what, self harm didn't beat me, I'm winning the battle. I attempted suicide once when I was 17, got home from school, made sure nobody was home, feeling the same way I always did, and before I was "finished", I pulled back at 98%. I felt the same way you did. Bottom line, I know nothing I say will affect you, and I've been right were your at, but remember one thing, winning is always an option.