I Screwed Myself Again

Well I got into another online relationship after I thought I was doing better getting over my last relationship, but after a month or so I realized I'm still not over my last love. So not only did I screw myself again, I hurt someone else in the process. I really cared about this new girl too, and wanted to make it work. But I knew in my heart that I could not. I was not being fair to her or myself since I am still not over my last girl. I'm the kind of guy who has what seems like neverending love. Once I really fall in love I latch on, even long after they're gone.

So now I find myself sitting here listening to Tom Petty - Learning To Fly, crying, feeling worthless and pathetic. *sigh*

I just can't stop thinking about Sandra. I haven't spoken to her in probably about 8 months? I had persued her endlessly on yahoo for months even after she told me it was over. Then I learned via her myspace that she had a new man in the town where she lived, and it just infuriated and crushed me. She didn't have the guts to tell me about it I had to learn through her myspace. I went kind of nutty and hacked her myspace and deleted all of it. She got mad, of course, and said it was none of my business. Yeah.. I'm sure she figured I'd never read her myspace. I won't say I wasn't wrong, but she knew what she was doing.

I have a quote here I saved of what she said to me on April 4, 2007, after we'd been together for about 5 months. Keep in mind we hadn't met in person, nor did we ever. But this is what she told me, and I really beleived it:

MRS K1RKL4ND: I love you so much and never forget that like last night Jon that was so stupid that you was so upset there will be times that we do not get to talk and I really don't want you to think anything bad because of it I love you and that will not change no matter what happens you are my soulmate and the sooner you get that through your thick skull the better off we will be so say you will not loose faith again and I mean it

Sandra wasn't perfect. I knew that. She was/is an alcoholic. She had a lot of problems. She verbally abused me numerous times. I know it's no excuse, but her disease brought that on. She was never that way when she was off the bottle. Even still through all of the abuse, I knew, I just KNEW, that she really and truly loved me. I could hear it in her voice sometimes. There was a desperate need, desperate yearning in her voice. She was no easy woman to please either. And I thought I'd won her heart. I really thought we'd be together, she'd be the one for me. Guess I was dead wrong.

I've not been to see any docs about my depression to see if I have any other problems, which I probably do. I'm not on any medication, although I probably should be. Every time I meet a female online it's something new and exciting and I always have this thought in the back of my head like 'oh maybe this will turn into something', but it never does. Or it all goes wrong no matter how well my intentions are.

Does anyone have any advice what I can do, short of seeing a shrink or doping myself up? :(

HopelessRomanticless HopelessRomanticless
22-25, M
Mar 9, 2009