I Try But I Fail

When you try so hard but see no results, its not very encouraging. People think Im slack but I stay up late most nights to finnish work that would take a normal person an hour to do. How does everyone else manage their lives? How can they have time to go out on weekends? How can they afford to go out on weekends? How do they have the time to have a job AND be in year 12?. I just, suck.
 

I have the body of a 12 year old, no hips and no boobs. Its all my mums fault. Parents are impossible to impress. I cannot do math, I take forever adding up money. I cannot write an essay, I think its alright but then I get a bad mark back from the teacher. I try, I really do. I have never won an award, I have never recieved top marks in anything. Im not a prefect....they walk around like the proudest people, with their stripes on their blazers....so perfect. Im always below average and I can see the disappointment in my parents eyes.
I can draw, thats about it. But I fail at all the things that count. I cry randomly all the time. I get depressed about three times a year. I love a man that will never love me back. I never go out to parties. Im 17 and my braces are still on. Im pale. My hair is curly thick and course....not silky and blonde. My eyes are plain old brown. No one notices. No one cares.
All I want is to be with him. To make him happy. Hes the only person that makes me happy. His face and his smile. He will never know how much he means to me. Will I ever even see him again?. I see couples in the street and sadness over comes me. I see young children and babies and I feel like I will never have that. I dont feel valued and I never have been. Hes the only one thats cared.

People will never know how sad I am inside. Everyone thinks I'm happy and care free.
I can hear my mum coming home, she always complaining about how her legs ache and how bad her day was. Forever its been this way. My feelings dont count. If I cry, then Im being a drama queen. Mum tells me to clean the kitchen, my brother never had to do anything when he was in year 12. I do it all now. I misplace my house key - dad says Im hopeless. Mum leaves the spa on and floods the house, she gets away with it by making excuses for herself. If its ever my fault, then BOY is it my fault!.
Maisie is not allowed to use the laptop because she'll probably break it.......even though shes 17. Maisie cant do anything because shes pathetic and stupid. Thats what my parents think.  Everyone else in the family gets laptops but Maisie has to use the same computer since she was 5. The screen is dark and she cant do her media properly.

I wish that one day he will come back and tell me Im worth while. Tell me I'm valuable. I wish that one day someone will love me.

DunderMifflin DunderMifflin
18-21, F
Mar 10, 2009