Clinical Depression?

I don't know what the term "clinical depression" really means, I've never been checked but at times think I should. "Why don't you" some might ask? I think the answer is two-fold; first I'd have to explain it to people and am embarrassed and second I think I am afraid of the answer I'll get.

As I look back on my life I realize that I've been this way a very long time - many years ago I choked myself unconscious to see what dying was like. Another time I found myself holding a kitchen knife, it started innocent enough just making lunch but as I looked at the knife it just seemed so easy one quick swipe in the right place and it would be over; I stood there staring at the knife over 5 minutes - I think that time was the closest I've ever come to ending it. What scares me a little now looking back was the strange calmness, almost a feeling of elation that came over me as I stared at the knife.

I realized then that one way or another eventually I will run out of excuses to stop and will not be able to resist and then the knife will win - I think that this is what it means to battle depression.

DyingForTheGrave DyingForTheGrave
41-45
2 Responses Mar 14, 2009

Also scared of knives<br />
try to imagine doing something nasty with the knife when you use it<br />
my hands get so shaky sometimes i cut myself by accident<br />
I also tried cutting when neighbours would insult me but my skin is too thick<br />
I used to world it a kitchen and I would do salads, I go to that creative, happy place and the fear lessens<br />
Most important thing about fear<br />
fear is irrational, there is no reasdon for it... remember that and you always win. The knife cannot win... it is a tool<br />
message me if you ever want to talk about it<br />
I believe in you, not the knife

To whom you have to explain it that refrain you from getting help? You do not have to be afraid of your diagnosis you need to know what is happening. Seek help immediately to get control of those impulses. There was a time that I could not see a knife because I got the same feeling you are describing. If you have never seen a psychologist or a psychiatrist do it as soon as possible.