Everything Is Always Up and Down

Officially I was diagnosed as being a depression sufferer 5 years ago, but I`m sure I`ve had recurring bouts all my life.

The incident that was the catalyst for my diagnosis came after a long period of time where I gradually became more and more withdrawn. My behaviour was slowly becoming more erratic and ended up getting me into some legal trouble. I wasn`t sleeping, drinking too much, negative thoughts consumed me. I didn`t want to be here. I hated me, and could see no good in myself.

I`d had some setbacks recently, but the state that my mind was in distorted the gravity of what I should have really been feeling. The end result was that I had a major depressive episode at my work-place.

I really believe that I am extremely lucky in my situation, as I found a great doctor who got the medication I needed at the time right, the first time. The support I had from family, friends and my work was phenominal.

Over the course of a year of so I was helped through medication, and some pretty intense cognitive behavior therapy.

Now, to get back to the start of my story. I honestly believe that a few factors came into play, as to why I feel I have been depressive all my life. Firstly I have a strong history of depression in my family, then there was the distant father, alcoholic mother, horrendous bullying in my school  and early working life. As young as 7 or 8 years old I remember feeling that everything was futile, often crying myself to sleep, or flying into self destructive rages.

These days I`m not feeling too bad at all. I`ve had 2 more episodes of depression since my intial diagnosis, but neither of them as severe. It makes all the difference knowing that I have help when I need it, and having that faith in myself that the periods where I am not feeling good will not last forever.

My last depressive episode was just over 12 months ago, and with the help of my doctor, and my shrink, I got through it without even having to resort to drugs. In fact I haven`t taken anything in the way of anti-depressants for over 2 years now.

I`m getting pretty good at recognising what triggers my depressive episodes. I exercise daily, avoid stress as much as humanly possible, try my best to eat well and to talk to myself internally in a positive manner.

Depression will always be lurking there trying to get me, but I won`t let the mongrel get in the way of a life that is very much worth living and enjoying.

musicmad musicmad
41-45, M
2 Responses Mar 15, 2009

You are doing great and you have achieve something that have been elusive to many of us, control over Depression. I can relate with your story specially about your parents and with bullying during elementary school but no as serious as yours. Anyway the best of luck, take care.

well done i realy do have respect for u, i no how hard it is althought my depression has not been there for aslong you, it nearly destroyd me at its worst, and like you i will not let it beat me, it trys to grab me i have come up with ways to tackle it, knowing the triggers and acting on them, its a never ending battle but one i will come out of and one day i will say i have beaten it and the struggle is over, all the best ,lee