My Life of Uncertanity

I battled depression all my life mostly from age 6 or 7 on untill now at age 53, have been on meds for it for the last 7 years when i was officiclly diaginosed with major depression, anxiety,panic, ptsd and ADD.  My childhood was very uncertain and very violent with lots of fear, which made me very insecure even today.  My mom and real dad divorced when i was 5, within a yr after that my dad abandoned me left and i never seen him again one time when i was 22, and then again when i was 46 at that time i came to stay in florida with him.. As far as growing up yrs, I lived with my mom and new step dad, he was an alcoholic.  He beat my mom regularly, bad beatings, he smacked me some nothing like he did mom, but he emotionally and verbally and mentally abused me and my half sister when she was born.  my mom me and my sister left home every six months to a  year every yr untill i was 18 then i left.  There were so many terrible and frightening things happened during that time.  It left me with guilt, for being born for one thing and being in the way , i thought my mom would of been better off with out me.   at 7 was the first time i ever thought that i wish i had never been born and i wanted to die.  growing up and seeing your mom beat is a terror for a child you feel so helpless and feel like you should be able to do something. changed schools almost every year so my life was not stable, from my life i got no self esteem, no self confidents,  was extreemly shy, and ashamed of my home life and insecure with all the moving and running away from home is what i called it... it was always the same when we went back, for a little while things would be good, but that did not last long it was always like walking on egg shells....so not only did my living environment contribute to my mental illnesses,  my real dad was bi polar, depression anxiety and others too. so i inherited it  guess i was doomed I went through all that married and divorced and married and waiting for a divorce again.  i left ky w here i last lived moved here i have had a rough time here.  I did meet someone else and had a chance to feel what it was like to be loved truly and deeply he treated me so good like i was the most important thing in the world to him... we were together for 17 months then he passed away and i broke completely down that was the first time in my life i felt loved and felt truely happy.that was 4 yrs ago, really have not got over it yet... well this is just a brief introduction of my life story... don't want to bore anyone so going to stop here

dolphinsangel dolphinsangel
51-55, F
2 Responses Mar 15, 2009

I am so sorry to hear about what you went through growing up.I had some of what you went through.mostly with my dad,he drank on the week-ends off and on we did go to church and that did help during that time.Dad would get board and go back to his old ways but mom stayed true.I learned to trust God he was the only person I knew that would keep me safe.I to carried things into my first marriage many fears.As I grew older I read as many books as I could to help me understand myself.Parents do not have the knowledge what harm, they bring upon there children and their childrens children.It happends in all walks of life, from the very rich to the poor.Our only hope is get help if you need to get somethings that really bother you.There are so many outreach programs that will help you understand your fears,worries,why you react to things the way you do.Know two people think the same OR react in the same way.To love your self is the greatest gift anyone could ever give themself.You see life so differently in all aspect of your life.We have to look at our past as it is the past,Mom and Dad did not know any better,they did not pick there parents,We could not either.Look at one or two things good and dwell on thoes.Your life will change from sad,to the most bautiful thinking and rewarding days ahead.I will be thinking of you,If you need a friend,I am here for you!Lots of hugs,Trails

I am so sorry to hear about what you went through growing up.I had some of what you went through.mostly with my dad,he drank on the week-ends off and on we did go to church and that did help during that time.Dad would get board and go back to his old ways but mom stayed true.I learned to trust God he was the only person I knew that would keep me safe.I to carried things into my first marriage many fears.As I grew older I read as many books as I could to help me understand myself.Parents do not have the knowledge what harm, they bring upon there children and their childrens children.It happends in all walks of life, from the very rich to the poor.Our only hope is get help if you need to get somethings that really bother you.There are so many outreach programs that will help you understand your fears,worries,why you react to things the way you do.Know two people think the same OR react in the same way.To love your self is the greatest gift anyone could ever give themself.You see life so differently in all aspect of your life.We have to look at our past as it is the past,Mom and Dad did not know any better,they did not pick there parents,We could not either.Look at one or two things good and dwell on thoes.Your life will change from sad,to the most bautiful thinking and rewarding days ahead.I will be thinking of you,If you need a friend,I am here for you!Lots of hugs,Trails