Depression! An Unfortunate Way of Life

hey all. my name is scotty. i havent written a new story in a couple of weeks but now im back and got some stuff to say.

         DEPRESSION

 i have finally come to terms and grasped the realization that i have depression. i do not know which type i have but i am kinda thinking i might have bi-polar type. i watched a video on depression last night and i just felt so horrible inside both at me and facing what i have and for the other ppl out there who have it as well. as far as i can tell i guess i have a minor case of it cause i can go on bout my daily life and i can be happy sometimes but i find myself that out of nowhere i get these mood swings. sometimes it may be something that triggers these mood changes but i have noticed that there are other times where im perfectly fine but then i all the sudden get mad and all these mean thoughts rush thru my head about everything in my life. i start getting pissed off and i have heated conversations in my head with myself. its almost like i have a second person in my head. theres the good side and the bad side. i get mad about things like my lack of emotional connection with my gf or how the house looks cause it needs to be cleaned up. it could be something as simple as getting mad cause i go to the public library for my gf to get books and movies. i get soooo mad that it just ruins my day then i go home in a bad mood. i cant tell my gf why im mad so i make up excuses like im tired or something. i have been able to control these rages that i get tho. i can usually talk myself into calming down and reasoning with myself or by sleeping it off. i feel bad tho cause i usually get mad and it has to do with my gf. i love her and i dont want to hurt her. she has depression too. she says her depression is why she doesnt have a sex driive and why she doesnt feel feelings like love and stuff towards me. yes we still dont kiss and make out and still havent had sex either. we can do brief kisses , hold hands, and lay next to each other in bed but thats as far as it gets to go.

this recent discovery comes at a horrible time for me. im not sure what threw me into my depression so that makes me upset too. i just recently talked to my wife and she asked me to divorce her. i wasnt expecting her to ask me something like this right now. i told her yes i would sign the papers but now thinkging about it i dont want to just yet. i dont know why i want to wait. we arent getting back together but for some reason it just feels like it doesnt feel right to do it right now. i dont know what im gonna do. this is crazy and it is frustrating me. my sleep is all out of whack, im having these mood swings, im looking for a job, and im trying to figure out what to do with my relationship. sometimes it feels like its too much.

i was listening to music last night thinking about the divorce and i kept thinking bad things the whole time. for some reason i kept havin the same image of calling up my wife crying and telling her im sorry that i hurt her and let her down as a husband and then putting a gun to my head and pulling the trigger. no other images except that keep rollin thru my head. its crazy and i know it but still i wish i wouldnt have thoughts like this. it makes me angry and sad all at once. im not gonna actually kill myself but it makes me mad that i am having these images of doin it running thru my head. idk. i just want to be happy again. i had this whole idea of what i wanted my relationship to be like with my gf after my wife and i split up. our relationship is nothing close to what i had pictured. idk. im thinking about talking to someone professional but having no money really limits my resources. im gonna give it a try tho. wish me luck i guess.

later all!!!!

lostinmyheart lostinmyheart
26-30, M
2 Responses Mar 17, 2009

i think you may need to talk to someone and get on meds. i get it too!

hello im not going to pick the parts in your story that look to me could be why your fraustrated and irritable . You wrote it so im sure you already know, however good luck on finding your way through!