I Still Don't Matter

After all these years, I think I should be better but I'm not. I still feel like a stranger, an outsider in my own life. What's the point when everything is dreary? What's the point when all I want to do is to die? One of these days I will die and it's not going to be too soon. I figure because I want to die that God will not show me any mercy and just the opposite will be true. That I'll live to a ripe ol' age just to spite me. God is supposed to be loving and I can bet He doesn't love me. He puts one struggle after the other in my path. I just can't take it! He gives me too much. He overestimates me. I've heard it said that if God brings you to it He will bring you through it, well He's taking His sweet effen time! I've also heard it said that being rich doesn't make you happy, but I'll tell ya being poor doesn't either. I'd rather be rich and miserable than poor and miserable any day. And who wants to be around a effin depressed person anyway, and people wonder why we isolate. Stop wondering. We isolate because no one wants to be around people with depression. I know I don't. I'm depressed enough. I am tired. I am sick and tired. I just sit here in my depression and smoke cigarettes and drink coffee. I don't eat, I don't go out, because I don't matter and what's the point? I have tried and tried to pull myself out of this damned depression, tried positive thinking, affirmations, tried loving myself, tried reading self-help books, tried listening to subliminal and not subliminal self help cds over and over and over and over. Tried counselling, tried suicide, tried drinking myself into oblivion, trying AA, It doesn't help when all you get is **** and when no one cares not even me.
PiscesDream PiscesDream
51-55, F
3 Responses Mar 17, 2009

Man!!! I can relate to what you're feeling! i've been fighting depression for yearsand despite some good periods, it just never seems to go away. Last week I ran out of my meds and my new supply took it's sweet time getting here through the mail and I had a week of pure hell. I found my self wondering what's the point of living if the only thing that makes my life tolerable is these drugs! It's hard to figure out which one is the real me, the sweet guy on drugs or the miserable death-obsessed guy without them!

It sucks thats the truth and I hate it when people tell me that God doesn't put more on you than you can handle its normally people who have no clue what your going through. I know how you feel I know that flicker of light at the end of the tunnel is getting darker harder to see, but run full speed toward it and don't take the **** that life throws at you toss it back and tell them to bite you! <br />
I believe you can beat it that theres no reason to stop fighting you matter, there is a point and when we find out will laugh about it all. <br />
God is there and will help just does it in a funny way<br />
Take care of you!

I am sorry you are going through such a tough time. I often feel like this too, it feels like it will never end. I don't understand why God lets us feel like this, but I will pray for you anyway.